Trillions of Memories

5/15/09…At 5:12 am, I woke up. This is unusual for me, especially since I went to bed at 12:03 am, and yet Father I had a dream of a funeral for my Grandma Caines. And in this funeral there were those who were asked to play music for her and speak on her behalf and yet they truly did not know her, so instead those who did know her spoke up…and I could see the cackling hens making their presence known (note: cackling hens were a term of endearment given to my three aunts and my mom).

And now it seems You gave me a gift of words to write if only I am willing to lose some sleep and sit down and type, so I thank You.

In my dream, I saw myself standing in front of the family. I could see their faces. You then help me use my imagination to imagine what heaven will be like. It will not be grief when we meet our loved ones on the other side, instead it will be the gift of memory. In our flawed selves, we tend to lose memory over time, and yet maybe we do not. Louie Giglio, a renowned preacher passionate to connect in a meaningful way, said once in a message that there are trillions of cells in our bodies. And yet our minds have trouble grasping a number such as a trillion.

The perspective he offered was this…a million seconds ago, 12 days ago…my mind can grasp this number. A billion seconds ago however, try the year 1975. Now my mind begins to strain somewhat in comprehension. At a trillion though is when my mind begins to lose its grasp of such a number because a trillion seconds ago, try the year 29,700 Before Christ.

Our bodies contain trillions of cells. I wonder how many of those trillions are dedicated to memory.

Indeed Father, I wonder about memory, and what is our memory. What causes us to remember climbing on a sycamore tree, or watching Eric dip his face in a wheelbarrow of black mud, or seeing Avery catching a lizard, or sitting in Grandpa’s old Ford pickup truck on the way to get a treat? Each of the family, whether it be Aunt Loretta or cousin Penny or sister Tina have different memories of Grandma Caines, different memories of her house, and different memories of Loris, South Carolina. I wonder if each of those little memories is stored as a living cell in our brain. With trillions of cells in our bodies, I guess it is possible, but I do not know. Oh Father, for some reason You created us so we remember, why is that? You also created us so we forget, why is that? Yes, memory is there all our lives but it tends to lose the vivid detail over time. Is this not true? A fresh memory for us is colorful, vibrant and alive. A distant memory is one of fondness but a gradual hazing of detail. All we know is it makes us feel good to still hold onto a remnant of a good memory. The freshness is like a fresh tomato spot on our shirt that we laugh about. With enough time and a good detergent stick, we can wipe the spot away, but yet is it not true with a tomato spot, there is still a faint remnant there that is hard to totally erase…

My mind jumps back to the dream.

And in my dream, Grandma Caines died. All we have as the family are our memories and our hope of seeing her one day in heaven. These are the words You seem to have me writing now. I wonder if they hold true. When our time comes, and we die, when I die, I imagine myself suddenly in the presence of heaven, and in my mind all I can imagine is a lot of shining white brightness and a glow. I imagine an unbelievable calmness like sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake where no wind is blowing and no ripples in the water are present. The lake is so calm one might be tempted to step out of the boat and walk on the water.

Then I see Grandma Caines in the distance. I see her as Grandma, because I think You will have each of us see her in the way we knew her. Uncle Royce will see her as Mom, Avery will see her as Great Grandma, and yet she will not be just that way. She will also be young, and vibrant, and glowing. And in that instant I believe there will be a flood, not of water, but of memory. Every memory of her not only with us, but every good memory she had in her entire life will suddenly meld with our memory of her, so we get to see not only who she was with us, but we see the complete her, who she was with every person that crossed paths with her, both here on earth and there with You. Our good memories will connect us in a web that is so wonderfully intricate, we cannot fathom the possibilities and how far reaching it will be. Can one imagine such a moment as this? Everything that is good and is of You all in one glorious awakening. Dare I say trillions of memory cells will be present when we meet, and the good is so good, it envelopes us with a joy so immense we can barely contain ourselves. Maybe that is why Your will for our lives is to do good to glorify You. In one incredible moment, our collective memories embedded deep in our cells suddenly come back to life and connect us in a way we never knew was possible.

Part 15 of 18: Stuart

4/29/09…Tonight was a good night in the street ministry because I met Stuart. He is meek in his demeanor but confident in his words. For an entire hour he preached the word of God to me, but first he had to quench his thirst so I watched as he gulped an entire bottle of water in mere seconds. Then he proceeded with the words of God. His Bible was open and draped over his forearm as if his arm was held out for a woman to take but instead his bride was God. Such simple phrases came from his mouth about the truth of God. Honestly I could have stood there all night and listened to him. He is homeless and he is supposed to be leaving for Greenville, Mississippi in the morning. Yet somehow I doubt this will happen. He says he has a Mom and Dad there and his Mom receives his check so he is not sure if she loves him or wants him there for his check. I assume Stuart is on welfare, or maybe mental disability, not sure which. He says he really desires his independence and wants to be on his own as he quotes scripture to support this desire.

His faith is black and white. There is no gray area. Either something is of God or it is of the Devil. Over and over he reiterates this phrase. To Stuart, it is quite clear to him where the lines are drawn. He says there is despair in Jackson’s streets, to which I agreed after a terrible night last week, but as I tell him, our hope is in our God. He says the churches need to do more for the homeless, not just in giving or feeding them, but in telling them about the Word. He says he would house them all and tell them all about God but he does not have the money. His depth of knowledge of the Bible is humbling and the pages of his Bible are clearly worn from daily use.

Thank you Father. What a blessing given undeservedly to me. I was becoming weary trying to do good for You, but in Your love, You cross my path with someone who gave me such hope and lifted me up when I came down to lift others up. Oh God, You showed me a city on a hill and a light in a lamp post in order to give me hope once again and renew my energy in the street ministry. Thanks be to You for Stuart and thanks be to You for all blessings.

I was saving a bottle of water in the van for myself because I knew I would be thirsty at the end of the night. But in the moment I knew my thirst had been filled by You my Father. So I went to the van, got my bottle of water, and gave it to Stuart so that his earthly thirst may be filled. In the moment, I loved him more than I loved myself; therefore I gave him my water. I let Stuart know I loved Him as my brother in Christ. I prayed for him, and in the dim moonlit night we parted ways, both of us somehow not so alone, nor so weary.

Part 14 of 18: A Homeless Journey

4/22/09…I am troubled tonight and therefore I cannot sleep. Some five weeks removed from serving the homeless and afflicted, I once again trek down there because of my joyful heart for what God has done for me and my gratitude. I have come to rest in His words, “Be still and know I am God.” Yet tonight I felt so lonely. The ride over in the van felt good, like home, but Bob F. was unable to attend because of his own weariness, and I sense the same weariness in him that attacked me. We arrive and I reconnect with my friends who serve alongside me, Bridgett, Michael, and of course the Greene’s. Yet it is not the same. To some degree I felt like I deserted them over these last five weeks, but I felt my heart was just not in it and to go would have been out of duty or a sense of obligation, both of which I promised myself I would never do…so I did not go.

Visiting Miss Dorothy was special, but I am not sure she remembered me, although it did feel good to pray for her. It didn’t feel good that I had forgotten Darius’s name (a ten year old kid I met in her neighborhood) or at least I thought I did but later realized I didn’t, but at the time I was unsure of saying it in case I called him by the wrong name. Darius asked about Liv, one of our street ministry team. I believe I have lost some trust with him by not seeing him in five weeks. It did feel good to see Miss Gladys, Miss Dorothy’s sister. After visiting with her, we made our way to the Opportunity Center and along the way we pick up Sir Dan off the streets. I also meet Evan but that was it. In five weeks so much has changed. None of my friends were there and what once felt like home felt strange and empty as though I deserted them while trying to get through a difficult season in my walk. It seemed distant and I felt no connection to anyone. Before people would magically appear before me as if drawn to me, and tonight nothing so I wonder what God was trying to say to me. Maybe He rewards the faithful who stay steadfast even among difficulties. Maybe I have to build that trust again, but does He want me to press on if my heart is not postured right? I don’t know…

Then Bob G. tells me about Dewayne and how he is telling his friends in his machismo act that “we are stupid, and they should take us for everything we got.” Bob G. says Dewayne and some of his “friends” asked for a ride last time and took them on a wild goose chase in bad parts of the city as if they were trying to set them up. Bob’s face grimaces. Bob has spent a lot of time trying to connect with Dewayne. What happens though when you try to love those who do not want your love and may even wish harm upon you? I can see this is wearing on Bob.

My head lowers. All my joy in returning to the ministry seemingly evaporates…

Easter Invitation

4/12/09…”It is finished”…Father, it is Easter Sunday, and I awoke early in the a.m., somehow feeling the need to express what You have done for me in writing, but my thoughts turn to another. There is an image etched into the recesses of my mind causing it to continually replay over and over. I wonder if this is why You created memory. I also wonder about the miracle of memory, almost like data stored in my brain waiting for Your finger to press a button and download it at the appropriate time.

A week ago Sunday, I heard one of the most touching messages from a pulpit. In detail it described the crucifixion process, not in cold hard facts, but in cold hard emotion. For the first time in my life I understood some small measure of what Your Son went through, but I quickly remind myself I was not there so any attempts to truly understand are feeble at best. However, I can picture this as the pastor begins describing the crucifixion process. First, spikes are driven through both Christ’s hands, probably through the wrist area so the bones on either side could support sinking flesh. Then, a spike is driven through the left foot’s flesh into the right foot’s flesh as both feet are overlapped. And now begins the process of dying. Slowly His muscles in His arms begin to cramp. The cramps travel slowly from the forearms to the shoulders like a slow pouring out of molasses. They become so agonizing there is no relief, instead only hours of somehow trying to reposition Himself to alleviate the pain. Then slowly the leg cramps begin traveling from the calves to the thighs. Father, I have felt what a calf cramp feels like, it is an excruciating contraction of the muscle. In fact one time I recall falling down in agony on a gym floor with the only relief coming from someone taking their hand and pushing the top of my foot towards my head to relax the muscle. And now I think of Your Son because there was no one to do this for Him. Instead all He had was a metal spike mocking Him because any attempt by Him to push Himself up on the cross to alleviate the pain would in turn be met by the pain of His flesh being ripped apart by the spike. Father I could not endure 30 seconds of a calf cramp, how did Your Son endure HOURS OF THIS HELL?? I am so tired for waking up early to write these words that I am numb to the tears that want to flow. And now your finger presses the button and downloads the memory from a week ago…

In a church of which there are seated thousands in the pews, the preacher finishes his lesson and begins the invitation to those who want to accept that Jesus in fact was the Son of You. Normal protocol dictates the preacher goes through some standard words called the invitation. It is true that some part of me has become numb to these words because I have heard them repeatedly over the course of my life. Somehow they have lost meaning to me, which should trouble me, but it seems so impersonal because I am not the one uttering them. And I think of, let’s say, a faithful church attendee, who is 50 years old and let’s say they have attended church faithfully every week for 30 years…50 times a year times 30 years is 1,500. One thousand five hundred times this person has heard an invitation. I say, one thousand five hundred times. Isn’t it true that any one of us would become numb to this? The invitation has lost its taste, much like a piece of Godiva chocolate. In fact, I think of the first time I ate a piece of Godiva and I recall the wonder of its creaminess and the rush of endorphins in my body. Oh what a wonderful feeling of heightened sense and how satisfying it was. However, I wonder if I ate 1,500 pieces of the same chocolate if my body would respond the same way…

And now in the midst of thousands of people, a man arises from a pew. I see him from the corner of my eye. The preacher has not finished his habit. He is supposed to offer the standard words, and everyone in the congregation is supposed to remain seated until he asks for us to stand. This allows for some time for the deacons to position themselves in front to receive those who would come forth to make a decision. But this man could not wait. The preacher continues his habit, and this man breaks protocol and arises while thousands of people are still seated. I see him. Everyone sees him. The preacher sees him and for a moment he loses track of his habit, but quickly recovers and continues his standard rehearsed words. In the meantime this man is trying to do everything in his power to climb over eight people still seated in his pew so he can make it to the aisle. I have never seen such purpose in my life, and I have never witnessed such brokenness arising from a seat knowing that the only thing standing between him and salvation is making it to this aisle. I imagine he stepped on many feet and he bumped many knees just trying, trying, TRYING to make it to the aisle where the path was unobstructed to the front of the church. As I sit and watch this spectacle being played out before me, an emotion arises in me, and tears begin forming in the corner of my eyes as I experience the pain and brokenness of another man whom I do not even know, and who in desperation is trying to make it to the aisle…

And I think of the thief on the cross, who for six hours endured his pain, but in a moment of reflection as He witnessed the One without reproach enduring the same pain, cried out to the One above reproach, and Jesus did not say…go and be baptized, or start going to church for a year to understand more of who I am, or go start tithing your income each week, or go do penance. No. He simply told him, You have acknowledged me, so today You will enter the kingdom with me. And now thousands of years later a man in a church has heard this same message. Come as you are. And as I continue to watch this surreal moment play out, this man makes it to the aisle, and as my son Avery told me later, as the man in a half run makes it to the front of the church, he almost collapses before he makes it to the altar because of the weakness in his legs, because years of painful cramping can no longer support his weight. And this man, this huge man bulging in a suit which cannot contain his muscles, does indeed collapse before an entire congregation of thousands and asks Jesus to come into his life…

And Father this is what I think of when I think of Easter Sunday…thank You for downloading a memory…thank You for an invitation.

Meteor Shower

4/8/09…Father, I thank you for my friend because he taught me a lesson in life that to this day I still hold close to my heart. Seize the moment, because life is meant to live. These words he never uttered to me, but he showed me in action. At first I was too dumb to realize his approach to life, and sometimes I thought it was silly, irrational, wasteful, and any number of things of whom someone like me with a practical bent could say. And then one day, I realized how much of life I had been missing out on, how much better it is to lose sleep sometimes. And you Father taught me risk, living life is about taking risks for You because when we do is when You reveal Your glory of blessings to us. For having faith in You, and believing even in the desert that somehow someway You will come through for us…

And so my friend asks me if I would like to see the shooting stars. There is a meteor shower occurring that night that he heard about. I said, sure, “what time will it occur?” He responds, “3am.” What!! I say, 3am!!! Part of me said, I am not getting up at 3am to watch shooting stars, I really would rather sleep. But then Father, somehow even when I was not walking with You during this time, You nudged me to get out of a comfort zone, to get out of bed. So I said yes, wake me up at 3am so I can watch the shooting stars and at 3am he did wake me up along with his wife and two sons. Groggily I walked outside in the crisp cool night air and looked up…and behold it was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. The shooting stars were coming from everywhere. It looked as if You were painting white lines in the sky…and I stood there in awe, my soul elevated because of the beauty I was witnessing. Somehow sleep did not seem so important anymore. And as the moment passed, never to return again for eternity, my soul still remembers and reminds me to this day, to seize the moment…

Listening

3/22/09…It seems when I wait to actually hear from God that His timing is always perfect…It seems when I do not hear from Him and do not act on something that I am asking for or is weighing on my mind, it always works out without me forcing it…It seems when I go to Him in prayer for a decision or request, I receive more peace regarding the matter…It seems when I become impatient and run ahead I make a mess of things, but sometimes it is so hard waiting…So why do I still not trust, and I still doubt, and I still have trouble praying to Him and really listening to what He would say or more importantly not say?

Can I Lie Here?

3/22/09…Father, I ponder this idea of service. Somehow, I feel I have come around in a circle on this matter. Oh, how my heart is on fire to serve You. However, over time I feel this idea of service has overtaken our relationship. At the end of the day, I am sure You do not want to lose relationship with me, but how do I balance this? I love writing these reflections to You and musing in who You are because writing helps me feel You in a different way. However, I must admit this sometimes substitutes for prayer and even more importantly quieting my mind and listening to You. Thus my dilemma…is this good?

Service

Writing

Prayer

Listening

Study

Do You look at these avenues equally? Father I have to assume intimacy in relationship is what You truly desire from me. Do You get this from my writing? I wonder. I do find this to be true; the closer I draw to You the more I want to serve You. Alas though there does not seem enough time in the day to do all these words I wrote above, and because of this, I sometimes feel frustrated. It feels like I have to continue to strive, and strive, and strive. I seem to be always striving for relationship and now I am also striving in service. At times I just want to be still and know You are my God. And to my mind a verse spoken by Jesus envelopes me “For my yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” I just want to rest…

vi of vi: The beautiful balance of the Protestant and Catholic faiths

There are a few last thoughts I have on these matters Father. It seems hard for me to deny any longer that the Catholic faith was indeed built upon Peter, and he was the rock upon which You built Your testimony. Yet is this not true of a rock? A rock is steady, unwavering, but over time even it experiences some erosion does it not? I hope being a Protestant is the result to an answer of some erosion of which You had to correct. Whoa, what a thought that is! But as I let that thought resonate, let me also say this, I do have comfort in knowing the Catholic Church, Your rock, has in a catechism accepted those who are not of the faith but still acknowledge Your Son as their Savior and strive to follow Your Word, albeit in a different way.

Once again I go back to the beginning. People came to you in faith on the spot. There were no classes given on who You were. Paul, and Peter, and John, and Thomas, and all the disciples simply preached and in faith people came to You on the spot. Just with Peter alone, three thousand people came to You in one instance. Surely this is what Martin Luther was trying to say. I also look at the thief on the cross. You presented Yourself, he believed, and he was saved. There were no attending classes for a year to find out who You were. The thief believed and he was saved. And yet what is equally wrong with the beauty of the Catholic faith and the tradition, and the sacraments, and the holding on to this. At the moment of confirmation, if the person believes, then they believe. I know the arguments people will bring up regarding this, but the fact is confirmation includes a profession of faith in You, Your Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Maybe the Catholic rock stabilizes all of us and is a check and balance against the Protestant religions. Maybe in the same way the Protestant faith is a check and balance against the Catholic religion, as if to ensure we always remember people were saved in a different way at the very start.

Father I end all this by writing the following. I don’t know. And I especially do not fully understand all the differences in the Catholic religion and Protestant factions. I have questions, but I do not know. For anyone reading this, I hope they understand this. There was a time that I was scared that my faith could not stand up to the seeking, yet it seems my faith is growing stronger and my horizon is expanding. I realize by writing these things I am probably opening myself up to “venom” that may be directed my way, but again what is it we are scared of when asking these questions or pondering these thoughts? My passion for You causes me to seek You further, not my need to know the answers because I already realize I will never know. Three years ago, I would not have written a provoking piece like this. I am interested to see what I may write three years from now.

In the end, Father I love You, I love my Savior, and I love the Holy Spirit. Thank you for Your grace and Your love, and please forgive me for my continued seeking and at times an inability to simply rest in You. Oh Father, let me follow Your heart to feed the hungry, care for the poor, and help the afflicted souls. Let my thirst for knowledge decrease and mercy increase for others. In the end does knowledge really help to feed the hungry, or to care for the poor, or to help the afflicted souls. I am not so sure.

Indeed, maybe that is the lesson in all of this…

v of vi: To believe requires “faith,” not answers.

And so the questions continue…and what I realize is You require me walking in “faith,” not in answers. But Father, if you may, at least humor me with further reflections.

The Protestants; Lutheran, Baptist, Episcopal, Anglican, Pentecostal, Methodist, Moravian, Presbyterian, Mennonite, Amish, and so on. The list is quite extensive. Protestants have in truth only been around for five hundred years or so…a very brief time. I have heard enough testimonies to know that the Protestant way is real, and now I am realizing the Catholic faith is just as real. Why was there such fear in sharing this history with me when I was growing up? What are they scared of? It seems if our faith is true it will endure historical lessons. After all it seems no matter how much knowledge is presented, in the end to believe in You requires “faith,” not answers. For is it not true even with answers, our eyes are still blinded. Even today I am dating someone who was Baptist and decided to practice Catholicism, and everyone around her in the Bible Belt lamented against her as if her soul was doomed to eternal damnation. And then I read an online piece by a messenger of Yours whom I highly respect and in his worship of religion, he condemned a Catholic mass and had to walk out because he was “disgusted.” Again Father, it is hard for me to understand these things. Is it really our place to judge? Are we worshipping religion or are we worshipping You? I understand Your Word says be aware of false doctrine and teaching but is this really the responsibility of leaders, or is there not a better way for a leader to teach history and religious differences, and then let Your Holy Spirit guide the individual seeker? As in both Catholic and Protestant religions is it not true it is a matter of faith? In both, there are those who go to the Church, and church, but live according to the world. To them You say depart from Me because You never knew them. And yet in both, are there not those who pursue You, sometimes with reckless passion, and to them You say welcome. Different avenues. Same ending. What do I believe? I believe,

You are One; God, Jesus Christ, and Holy Spirit…

Jesus Christ is the only way to my eternal salvation…

Faith without works is dead…

Living a life of intentional sin because I have been forgiven has no part in You…

I must continually ask for forgiveness for my sins, because unfortunately I will continue to sin. Therefore asking for forgiveness is not a onetime deal if I want to maintain an intimate relationship with You…

If my life is not changing and conforming to who Christ was, and how He was my living example, then You may indeed have every right to say depart from me, because I never knew you…

And now I am crossing the line into too much theology and need to back off. I fear this may only lead to “venom.”

iv of vi: Is it true Martin Luther hated Jews?

After one thousand five hundred years, or 1500 A.D., it happened, the start of the Protestant Reformation. For 1500 years there was no such thing as a Protestant, so what happened Lord? Did the Catholic Church for a time lose itself and in Your divine hand You intervened through a flawed person in Martin Luther? Or did Satan take over, much like he did in Job, but You used it for Your glory? Or did You do this in order to expand who You are to the lost? In the beginning You started with Jews, then through Christ You opened Yourself to the Gentiles. Was the Protestant Reformation another way to reveal Yourself? Do You even care about religion? I am talking religion Lord, not fellowship or worship? Did You see the Catholic Church after one thousand five hundred years drifting from who You are, so You had to open up another path through the thoughts of a flawed human being? Would it not have been easier just to reveal Yourself? Or was this simply Satan deceiving and causing a rift in the Church beyond repair? Or did You once again create good out of something that was bad? I can’t help but think even through the flawed person of Martin Luther that there was truth there, and You used him to reveal it. In no way does it seem that it negated the Catholic Church, it seems that it opened another avenue of truth to You. I hope what I am writing is truth. I hope I am not being used by Satan to write falsely of You. Martin Luther was indeed a flawed person just like the rest of us.

However, what really brought me to my knees in a literal sense is when I read that Martin Luther had such hatred for the Jews, Your chosen people. At first, if I understand the accounts correct, he had empathy and thought if a different approach could be shared with them, they might turn. But later in life when he realized this would not be the case, he wrote some words which quite frankly Father are anti-Semitic. Father, this is the man who lit the spark for the Protestant Reformation. And Father how could this man who spent countless hours studying Your Word and even translating it to German not understand. Your Word in the Old Testament clearly says You have hid from the Jews, at least most of them, who their Messiah would be. It says so in Your Word. For whatever reason, You are doing this in order to show Your glory when Your Son returns and at that moment their eyes will open and all glory will go to You. How is it Martin Luther did not understand this? Surely I am missing something. I have not heard anyone ever mention this fact about Martin Luther. In fact most regard him as highly as a saint. I am a little dumbfounded. The man whom You used gave me an avenue to my salvation different from the Catholic creed, but he was a hater of Your people.

iii of vi: Interpretation

Father, maybe You already knew we would read the same words in Your book and come up with different interpretations. Maybe You already knew our perspectives, backgrounds, and experiences would color the way we saw You. Maybe You knew the destructive influence of Satan, our human pride, and our flaws would all detrimentally affect the way we saw You. Is this not true even when You presented Yourself on earth? For some recognized You as Savior, others saw You as a threat, still others were indifferent to You…so I guess if You stood in front of us today, the same thing would happen would it not? But I must say, a part of me would love for You to stand before me so I could ask all my questions and get the answers straight from You…but alas it seems this is not to be, or is it?

ii of vi: Could Protestants be wrong?

Father, in Your breathed Word, You told Peter that he was the rock You would build on. What did this mean? Did it in fact mean You wanted Him to assume spiritual authority on this earth and for the Church to be built upon him? After Peter was martyred, Linus was asked to assume authority. Eventually this action led to the office of Pope, and the line of the papacy has continued until this day from Linus. Is it not true the Catholic Church is the true lineage handed down after Peter’s martyrdom? But a percentage of Protestants say it is not based on Your Words that they are interpreting. They say that is not what You meant when You said that to Peter, but how are they to really know? They were not there when You said it. I wonder if Peter even really knew what You meant.

And now the confusion, as in anything with human involvement, begins. I wonder if Satan has a hand in all this? And I wonder again why, if this is true, would You allow Satan to deceive? And then I quickly realize once again I have to let go of the need to know.

And yet, I think back to the beginning. There was no New Testament, there was no Catechism, there was an awful lot of confusion even to the point Paul and others had to continually go to churches to correct those in the midst of the false teaching. And this was not long after Your death. So Father within years after Your Son’s death there was already factions, and false teaching, and false doctrine, even though Your Son’s blood was still fresh in a manner of speaking. How do we have any hope of getting You right 2000 years removed when we could not even get You right 10 years removed? Oh Father how much easier it would be if You just stood before us and told us exactly what You meant by Your breathed Words. Instead, amazingly, all of us can read the same Words and come up with different interpretations. This reminds me of the exercise where everyone is in a circle and one person passes a saying on to the next person but then by the time it comes around to the person who first uttered the saying, it is no longer the same words.

i of vi: Faith in the midst of continued questions

3/7/09...Father, I must say, Your ways continue to be mysterious to me. With knowledge comes pain, and I sometimes wish this was not a spiritual pursuit You bestowed upon me. Truly, I hope it will decrease over time instead of increasing.

Here is my latest pursuit; the origins of religion. Father I was never taught the origins of my religion in any depth. My only teaching was from a pulpit of a religion that condemned all Catholics and either judged or mildly condemned factions of Protestants.

I wonder if the tribulations I have faced with religion would have been avoided if I was taught the history of religion in Sunday School. But then again, I think it would have been colored by the perspective of the teacher and who knows how much more harm that could have caused. So in my quest to try and help my son, I have delved into religious history and Father I am not at all happy with some of the discovery. My eyes are opening, or You are opening my eyes, not sure which, and in the end I am left only with my “faith” in You, and a realization that I have to let go of the need to know.

Fighting Myself

3/6/09…Father, I have become unholy. I do not phrase this as a question because it is a statement is it not? I wish it were not so, but it is. Remember that day Lord, remember when You took my hand in Your hand, and You let me know, “Lo I am with always, even until the end of the ages.” Oh how sweet our relationship was after that crisp September evening. I ate your Word day and night savoring it like a truffle. I talked to You, and I listened to You. We had relationship, You and me, Father and son, man it was so awesome. I felt You so close to me, to the extent that fifteen minutes every morning of study, prayer, journaling, and listening, produced such fruit for Your glory and such joy for me.

As I remember this season, which is so important, I remember my all consuming passion for You. It overrode everything else in my life. What happened? Is it true your holiness cannot attach itself to my unholiness any longer? Are there degrees? Lord, You know my heart is still for You, all of me and nothing held back, and yet I miss our relationship. You are, or is it me, that is so distant?

It seems one thing I do remember during our season was my thought life. With my surrendering and Your indwelling in me, my desires were quenched. This seemed to make a difference. And now it is a struggle, at times without me putting up much of a fight anymore. Before I had no need to fight it because my joy was so great I did not want to risk losing it. But now, my spirit is sad, and in the pain, and sometimes in the desire, I give in. And now I wonder is my unholiness causing You to remain distant? In the purity that is You, have I crossed a line? I can only think this is truth.

Father, I pray help me restore us. Reveal to me how to restore us. I miss You so much. I do not like this feeling of not feeling You in my prayer life. Let me surrender, let me trust, let me put on my body of armor and fight my thought life. Let me not give in to pain nor search for relief in avenues apart from You. Indeed, let me go to You for relief…

Experiencing the Holy Spirit

2/28/09…At times I experience promptings by the Holy Spirit. These are urges that do not leave me alone. Sometimes they appear in thought during prayer time, sometimes they do not, but one thing is for sure, they are unmistakable. At times it requires immediate action and it is up to me to follow or the opportunity will be missed. At other times it is a consistent tugging thought that simply will not leave me alone. And what I notice is when the moment comes to act and I do not, then the thought leaves and I miss the opportunity. However, if there is something God really, really, wants of me, or to show me, at times He will not let the Holy Spirit give up on me. It is odd and I laugh about this, but sometimes I give in just so the Holy Spirit will leave me alone.

Sometimes the promptings are to do a good deed for someone. Sometimes it is to reveal to me a small portion of a plan God has in store. At other times it is to teach me obedience, trust, or faith. Without question, every time I follow through with a prompting I feel an emotion of rest, peace, joy, relief, and sometimes a combination of all these. It seems as long as my intent is pure, as in not doing it for myself, then the result usually connects, sometimes in ways I never could have imagined.

I am also finding out that God takes His time. Yes there are some exceptions, but in general He gives me time to follow. Generally it is not an all or nothing deal. In general, He will place the prompting there early on, and then lets events come together so I see His undeniable hand in the prompting. As I say, sometimes the promptings require immediate action and so this is a different test from Him, but most of the time it is a gradual revealing of something that is of Him. At the point a decision is to be made, the decision presents itself, and I know He is in it so I proceed.

Part 13 of 18: Miss Dorothy

2/25/09…

I’m giving everything to God

I’m giving everything to God

I’m giving everything to God

He’s given everything to me

Desperation Band

Father, I do not feel like going down to the lonely streets of Jackson tonight. Because I feel so distant from You, I would rather spend tonight in study and prayer. And yet in some unknown way You speak to me and say go. Somehow You know time spent tonight in prayer and reading the Bible is not going to do either one of us any good. Somehow You know what is going to glorify You tonight is for me to go. So I go. But I am not happy about it. And I tell You, the only reason I am going is because you have given everything to me, so I want to give back to You. Just so You know though, I am going somewhat reluctantly and if You want to use me, well then that is up to You.

The night air is warm and humid. The streets of Jackson are the same as last week, pot holed and wrinkled from the unstable Yazoo clay. We stop at Miss Dorothy’s house on the way to our final destination, the Opportunity Center. Uncharacteristically she greets us at the door so we enter in. We deliver some food and towels and I take a seat next to her on her couch. In front of me are the butts of cigarettes, salt and pepper shakers, some type of sauce, and honestly just a whole host of stuff spread everywhere. In her cramped living room, clutter abounds. Her side of the duplex house is like all the other houses in the neighborhood; run down from the lack of maintenance, both inside and outside. Furthermore, her neighborhood is not safe. On several occasions, street prostitutes make their way over from the adjoining street asking us for food or clothing. Knowing the neighborhood is not safe, every week Bob F. makes sure he prays to God regarding Miss Dorothy and asks Him to “place a hedge of protection” around her. She is very appreciative of not only our prayers but our short time spent with her and liberally gives out “wet” kisses on the cheek upon our departure. In fact I am proud to say I have been the recipient of a few wet kisses. However it is Andre, one of our other street ministry team members, that remains her favorite. Before he even enters her house, he already knows kisses will be given freely from her. We just laugh at him and tease him to no end about this.

As we settle in, Miss Dorothy begins to share some of her troubles regarding her brother LeeRoy who is a double amputee. In some earlier conversations with Bob F., he shares when LeeRoy was younger, a run-in with law enforcement resulted in cuffs being placed on his legs. Apparently law enforcement handled LeeRoy roughly. The cuffs they placed on his legs were so tight it ended up causing an infection resulting in the need for amputating his legs. Whether this is true or not Bob is not sure but I am too fearful to ask LeeRoy directly. All I know is it has caused a lot of resentment in LeeRoy’s eyes to the world around him and this resentment seems to lash out at others at times, even with his sister Miss Dorothy. Seems lately he is directing a lot of his anger towards her. As we sit and listen to her, I realize this is a little unusual for her to unload on us like this. Clearly she has been holding it in for our arrival. As I lean in to focus on what she is saying, I feel an unusual calm fill the room. After she is done, we all hold hands and pray for her and in this moment it is clear that Miss Dorothy is comforted by our presence. It is amazing to me how 5 or 10 minutes of visitation brings comfort to someone. She tells us our short time together has done a world of good for her. And so my blasé attitude about tonight softens, and I realize just sitting there listening for 5 minutes did more glory for God than any knowledge I could have gained in hours of Bible study back at home. Thank You God…

A Stained Incredible Lineage

2/23/09…This is incredible. I thought to myself, what can I learn by reading the genealogy of Christ at the start of Matthew? And then truth is revealed. In Jesus Christ, our Savior’s lineage on the female side was in part from Tamar, a Canaanite woman who posed as a prostitute to seduce Judah, Rahab who was a Gentile and a prostitute, Bathsheba who committed adultery with David, and Mary who in everyone’s eyes conceived Jesus outside of wedlock.. Our omnipotent and holy Lord’s lineage was from those whom society looked down upon and it was a lineage stained in sexual sin, both in His eyes and the world’s eyes. From the broken lives rose up a Savior to save us all; I think it speaks volumes that Jesus Christ’s lineage was not from the holiest of holies or from the righteous of righteous. True, the Immaculate Conception was pure, but the lineage was stained.

The interesting thing about this line of thought is tying this all back to the Old Testament and how it all connects. When reading the Old Testament on its own, we may wonder why are the stories of these particular characters shared? It is only when we get to the very start of Matthew that we fully understand these real stories of real people in the Old Testament were the lineage of Jesus Christ all the way to Mary. This was His family history, a dysfunctional family.

This just makes me want to fall down and worship Him with all my might. He made it a point to come from one of us so we could relate to Him. Why? Because as a living example he wanted to show us how much beauty can arise from so much dysfunction. This speaks of a love and compassion of which I have no words for. Our Holy Father choosing to come from one of us; why indeed would he do this if not for the all consuming love He has for us?

Oh my Savior, my God, my Love, how can I ever repay You for Your sacrifice? You did this just so I would know You understand me, and how broken I am, and how stained I am, and You humbled Yourself by sharing Your own family history in all of its dysfunction. And now Your real beauty shines as You show me the beauty that can arise from the depths of such brokenness… Father, I pray our homeless friends may understand there is beauty within the dysfunction of their lives and their Savior, our Savior knows this because His beauty came from dysfunction. Indeed, I am stunned by the depth of this truth.

Part 12 of 18: On the Street

2/21/09…When I say street ministry, what comes to one’s mind? I never gave this much thought until someone close to me imagined the exact opposite of what the Jackson Street Ministry team does, and then I realized there is a stereotype out there. Over and over again, when I speak of this ministry, people picture me with a megaphone on the sidewalk yelling at people to convert to God or go to Hell. In some minds, I am waving my Bible high into the air and preaching fire and brimstone to anyone who will listen. It is amazing to me that this stereotype exists and yet it does, I guess due in part to those who have and are doing it to this day. I suppose there is a place for this but for us this is so far removed from what we actually do. Our purpose is to show love by building relationships with others. Our purpose is to truly care for those who cross our paths. Then if the Holy Spirit guides, then we share what God’s redemption has done for us. I am not sure you can love or build relationships with someone by continually yelling at them. Instead this is our desire; to serve our God and make ourselves available for His glory.

Prelude: Part 12 of 18

2/21/09…I am still astounded at these odds. In the entire Jackson, Mississippi metro area, including Clinton, Byram, Ridgeland, Madison, Raymond, there are hundreds of thousands of people. Against this backdrop I end up buying a house of which I am now selling because my Lord has shown me to undo my yoke, yet when I prayed to Him about buying this one versus another one, somehow He guided me in my thoughts to buy this one. For months I was despondent because my fire for serving my Lord was put on hold. But I kept searching and seeking Him through His Word and little did I understand that He was first working on changing my heart and direction. I had no idea. And at the perfect moment when He realized I was open for growth, I cross paths with Bob, my neighbor who lives across the street. After my Lord showed me His heart, to feed the hungry, to care for those in need, to help the afflicted souls, He introduced me to Bob, and Bob shared his heart with me as he talked about the street ministry he is involved in to tend to the homeless, poor, down and out, and indigent. My jaw dropped as I realize this is exactly, I mean exactly the avenue my heart was searching for…

And here in an area of hundreds of thousands, I happen to buy the house across the street from a neighbor who is 1 of only about 40 people who is involved in this specialized type of ministry.

Postlude 1/30/11…When I read this entry from almost two years ago, my thoughts roam to words such as faith, relationship, and passion. There are times when it feels undeniable that God is guiding me, and there are times when I wonder. Indeed, what are the odds in what I wrote above?

The Ten Commandments Test

2/20/09…No problem, all I have to do is keep the Ten Commandments. Well let me see how I am doing so far over the course of my life…

1. You shall have no other gods before Me.

0 for 1
Why? Success, money, self, golf, etc.

2. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth below, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them.

I am pretty sure I have not done this one…
1 for 2

3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.

1 for 3

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work.

1 for 4

5. Honor your father and your mother.

1 for 5

6. You shall not murder.

Alright, I have not done that.
2 for 6

Oops, I forgot. In Matthew, Christ says “Whoever is angry with his brother without a cause…”
Back to 1 for 6

7. You shall not commit adultery.

1 for 7
In Matthew, Christ says “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Still 1 for 7 Hmmm...

8. You shall not steal.

It’s ok to take home office supplies like paper clips, right?
1 for 8

Is there any hope for me?


9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

1 for 9

10. You shall not covet.

1 for 10



1 for 10, no wonder I need grace…

Rubik’s Cube

2/20/09…Distance, it is the measure between two points…my mind can grasp this. Time, it is the interval between two moments; past or present…my mind can grasp this. A woman, her beauty I can see, and her skin I can touch…my mind can grasp this. The birth of my son and the death of my grandfather…my mind can grasp the beginning and the end. But God, I cannot grasp You, who You are. During the day, I stare outside my window into the seemingly never ending blue sky and at night I stare at the black with the pin pricks of stars surrounding me. You created this? How? How does my mind begin to grasp there has never been a beginning with You, what dimension of my mind do I need to patch into. I think about You…and I realize there was never a birth. “All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.” I read these words, and they are true, and yet I cannot comprehend them…maybe if I just take a small part of this, “nothing was made that was made.” It is like a riddle. It is like a puzzle, like a Rubik’s cube. In my frustrated attempts I never once solved a Rubik’s cube, never once did I enjoy the sheer triumph of seeing all those colors line up in unison on each face of the cube, so how can I ever expect to solve You? I cannot. And yet…

I still find it amazing that with You there is no beginning. No birth. You just are. Distance has no meaning. Time is of no relevance. To see You or touch You escapes me. I am only left with my faith and Your statement in Exodus that is so simple a two year old could utter it, “I AM WHO I AM.”

Nothing Pollinates my Soul Like You

2/16/09…All I want to do is feel You, all I want to do is hear Your voice, where are You oh my God? I shed tears because I know there is nothing else this world has to offer me other than You, nothing is like Your nectar, nothing pollinates my soul like You…You carry me away in the wind, my soul is a flutter for it is weightless in Your arms, there is no pain, no brokenness, no hurt, only love …please Father, “show me Your heart, show me Your way, show me Your glory,” …let me decrease, let You increase in my life…let me write words of unworthiness on my epitaph, and bury me deep into the red clay, returning me to the dust from which I was created…and then let Your majestic tender loving hand create a seed, and let this seed sprout from the depths of the brown mire…let it arise into a weed for on its own that is all it is...and then, and only then, from Your hope that springs eternal, let Your redemption pollinate me into a beautiful sonflower. Let me spread Your glory and Your good to every person who comes in contact with me…

Oh my Savior, how I miss You… and all I have to offer, is my devotion.

He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me.

2/9/09…In Matthew 10, Jesus said, “Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before My Father who is in heaven. Do not think I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.”

These are such strong words; maybe my Savior had to utter them in order to give strength to those who had to face this realization, in order for them to understand there is no black and white where He is concerned. Our Savior is to be acknowledged above all else. I never had to face this realization in my life. Most sons and daughters want to please their parents and make them proud. Imagine if you were a son or daughter and acknowledged Christ as Savior, but then were met with ridicule or scorn or even dismissal by those whom you love the most. Now what?

Jesus goes even further, into the utter depths of our souls, to confront what it means to follow Him, “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me in not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.”

I am now shedding tears, for the full onslaught of these words have crumbled me to the ground. And the words of Hillsong dance around my eardrums expressing my thankfulness, my joy, my praise, my worship, my humility, my undying love for my Savior,

Cause I know…that You’re alive

You came to face…my broken life

And I sing…to glorify

Your holy name… Jesus Christ

Truth Ever Evading

2/2/09…Jeremiah 31: 31-34 “Behold, the days are coming, says the Lord, when I will make a new covenant…I will put My law in their minds, and write it on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. No more shall every man teach his neighbor, and every man his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ for they all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them, says the Lord. For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.”…

I ponder Your words my Father. What I find interesting is You say you will put Your law in my mind. Is this to mean you will replace man’s attempt to define law, i.e. my attempt to define You? Instead will You guide me from within regarding the law You want me to follow? All this in order to have relationship with You. Also, please help me understand what You mean when You say You will write it on my heart, because I am not sure what this means. Then You say “no more shall every man teach his neighbor, and every man his brother.” This seems to say I will know You without an intercessory on Your behalf. Is that what this means? Please help me correctly understand what You are trying to say here because this passage reaches out to me, but my mind is not grasping its full meaning or depth yet. I am trying, but I am getting a mental block.

There is some deeper truth here…some beauty I am reaching out for and not yet able to comprehend.

Back to Reality

2/1/09… “That may be your God! But that is not my God!” The venom spews forth towards me taking me completely by surprise, and now I am humbled by the damage of words. These were words I wrote in purity and worship towards my God, but these seemingly innocent words touched an infected sore, and the reaction was to spew venom towards me. A day later my soul is still troubled. How am I supposed to use my spiritual gifts of knowledge, faith, encouragement, and creativity if this is what it can create? Would it be better for me not to write and share? I in no way want to cause this type of reaction in someone; especially when enough damage by a religion has already been done to this soul.

And now I know why there are denominational and religious lines. All of us read words, even Your Words Father, and we come up with different doctrine or different interpretations…but is this not why, or partly why? We all come from different upbringings. We all come from different pains. We all come from different experiences. This colors our perspective and not only how we see the world, but more importantly probably color the way we see You. It is so hard for us to put ourselves in other people’s shoes because we have not walked in their footsteps…so therefore we perceive we are right, really not even because of what we think is right, but just because it is all we know. What we know is all we know, nothing more. No matter how much I may desire to understand other religions or denominations, I am unable to relate because I was not brought up in the environment. In fact because there are so many different denominations out there it is almost impossible to ever learn them all; mostly because you have to feel them. Perspective is not found in a book nor is it found in one worship service. I remember someone close to me saying they once visited a Catholic church, once. And after that one visit, this person felt they now understood Catholicism. I thought, how can one understand the intricacies of the Catholic faith from one visit to a church service. Father, is it not true if we have not lived it, then how can we relate? We cannot…

So now I understand why words I wrote in purity and innocence for You to do glory can unexpectedly cause venom to spew forth…

and my heart sinks.

In your freedom I will live!!

1/31/09…Oh my God You reign! Yes You reign! Everyone look to my God, He reigns!! I love everything about You, oh everything! Forever and ever, my God You reign! Whoa, my soul, let me dance, let me spin, let me throw my arms into the air, and laugh, and sing to the top of my lungs, oh my God You reign!! There is no other who can do this to me, no other, I laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh, because my joy cannot be contained!!

My eyes close, my arms rise to the sky, and I sing

In your freedom I will live!!

In your freedom I will live!!

I offer devotion!!

I offer devotion!!

Hillsong – Savior King

A Little Deeper…

1/31/09…I just do not understand and yet I do. In the New Testament, over and over again people were drawn to Jesus…why is this? In part, I believe it is because He did not judge. He welcomed all into the kingdom, no matter what their past was. Even the “dregs” of society as our world would label them came to Him. Yes, Father I understand Christ brought judgment into the world but the judgment He brought was of free will, and He, You spoke the truth in love. I hope what I am writing is truth. For those who were angered against Jesus, he represented a threat to their world of created religion. Am I speaking truth here Father? If I am, then why over 2,000 years later have we not changed? Those who carry Your name, so many of them, seem to speak the truth in judgment and not the truth in love. My heart breaks for the damage done to souls. When our faith becomes a faith of words and not action, when our faith becomes a faith of words and not love, and when our faith becomes a faith of words and not relationship, it seems it becomes hollow to the world and to You.

Judging Others

1/31/09…Your words in Matthew 7:1-5, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me remove the speck from your eye; and look a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”…Yes those who read this may say, “I do not judge.” I say there is a difference between teaching someone who God is in love versus teaching someone who God is in judgment and condemnation.

Is this not true? As soon as we say “you,” we have already crossed the line…

Is it ok to drink? Is that the right question?

1/31/09…She said, “I remember when you opened your Bible and showed me the verse that explained why we should not drink, do you remember?” I say no, I did not remember this time, but she did, and it was burned into her memory, still fresh after all these years. Yes Father, it was during this time I was spiritually struggling, trying to find answers to questions, yet having no one to show me who You were, and I was not really seeking You as much as I was hoping I might stumble into some enlightenment.

She did not understand I was grasping to reconcile a legalistic view that hinged on obedience versus one starting with relationship with You. Later in life I finally learned out of relationship comes the right obedience, one that has nothing to do with legalism, but instead is rooted in love for You.

So is it ok to drink?

I wish someone had shared this passage with me years ago…

Romans 14

1 Receive one who is weak in the faith, but not to disputes over doubtful things. 2 For one believes he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats only vegetables. 3 Let not him who eats despise him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats; for God has received him. 4 Who are you to judge another’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.

5 One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind. 6 He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord; and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives God thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks. 7 For none of us lives to himself, and no one dies to himself. 8 For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s. 9 For to this end Christ died and rose and lived again, that He might be Lord of both the dead and the living. 10 But why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. 11 For it is written:

“As I live, says the LORD,

Every knee shall bow to Me,

And every tongue shall confess to God.”

12 So then each of us shall give account of himself to God. 13 Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother’s way.

14 I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. 15 Yet if your brother is grieved because of your food, you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food the one for whom Christ died. 16 Therefore do not let your good be spoken of as evil; 17 for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. 18 For he who serves Christ in these things is acceptable to God and approved by men.

19 Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another. 20 Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All things indeed are pure, but it is evil for the man who eats with offense. 21 It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine nor do anything by which your brother stumbles or is offended or is made weak. 22 Do you have faith? Have it to yourself before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves. 23 But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not eat from faith; for whatever is not from faith is sin.

Believe

1/31/09…Hebrews 11:6, “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” I take this to mean Father that if we do great and mighty and good works, and yet these things are not done in faith to honor You whom we cannot see or touch, then it is impossible to please You, no matter how much good we do. Our faith is for You, for things hoped for, for us to honor You because we acknowledge You created us to do good works to glorify You. This is what pleases You, acknowledging You in our free will, by our faith.

I think back to doubting Thomas, and Your response to him when he did not believe You had come back to life, until You had him reach out his finger to touch Your hands and Your side…You said to him, “Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

Father, I have not seen You, but I believe.

My son...

1/31/09…My son is growing up before my eyes. Since High School started, he is different. And me, I have to face the fact that this is the fact. He is becoming a man. He needs me, but he does not need me in the same way. In fact, I remember not too long ago where his world revolved around me or at least it seemed that way. It did not matter what we did as long as we did it together. I remember all the times before bedtime he would come lay with me on the couch and rest his little head on my chest, listening to my heartbeat lulling him to sleep. Oh Father! Thank you for those times, and thank you for blessing me with him. But now our relationship is evolving and changing. I am still unsure how to relate to him, and yet in Your divine design of our lives, You designed it this way. In order for him to become an adult, he must exert his independence, and I must change with him. Not only must I change but I must embrace him becoming a man, even though part of me wants to hold onto those times I could fit his entire body between my hand and forearm.

More importantly Father, help me understand how to spiritually be there for him and continue to show Your glory and who You are to him. I pray for your guidance and protection, and Your revealing Yourself to my son. I pray You may help him learn from his mistakes, his detours, and his dead ends. And in the end what I pray the most for is my son’s soul, that You may show him how wonderfully worthy You are for him to follow all of his days.

Incest

1/30/09… “I felt so dirty,” she said to me. She reflects on this after the sickening truth is revealed to her just months ago between her grandfather and mother. I look at her and see a 30-year old woman in a kamikaze dive struggling to pull the nose of the plane up. What words can I offer her, none. All I can do is listen and embrace her, for I have nothing else to give. This is a horror of which there are very few comparisons. “Learn to function in the dysfunction,” is the advice given to her by a therapist, and yet it seems so cold and detached to me. How do you tell someone this? To learn to function in the dysfunction. In this world of pain Father, You are the function, because there is no laundry detergent known to a human being to wash a stain such as this, especially when your living body is a constant reminder. I can only imagine how Satan relishes in this, knowing at any time, he can simply suggest with a subtle hint the worst possible thought and send her into a tailspin. Yet You are her hope. In You lies peace and rest, because is it not true, through the pain is Your redemption in all life. The worst possible nightmares become the greatest testimonies in Your hands, and in turn this speaks of the marvelous Light that You are.

At times it is hard for us to understand Your ways, so it says so in Isaiah…why would You allow such pain in this world? And yet we will never know the full answer to this question, but Father one thing is for sure, I do know our pain becomes the avenue to help others in this world and in turn completes the healing process. I have seen this realization in my life…and for her, oh Father, I pray for Your continued healing in her life. Let her see the beauty both You and I see in her. Let her lay the pain down at Your feet. When the time is right because indeed it may take many years, but when that time comes and against all impossibility, let her forgive those who have trespassed against her…

Haiku: The Only Hope

Sunflower petal

Water pours down from the Son

Washes away stain

Part 11 of 18: To Connect

1/30/09…As evening ends and the cold chill sets in, the dew in the night lays its head on the works of man. Shortly the dew will turn into a blanket of frost over the streets of Jackson. After our visitation, we head back to Clinton in our white Chevy church van. Inside sits DeWayne and Monica. Earlier in the evening I called out to them by name and DeWayne said, “Finally, someone remembers our name.” This catches me a little bit by surprise. Indeed one of the most important things one can do when serving on the streets is remembering their names. Over and over when I recognize someone and say hey to them by name, they warm up to me instantly.

We are giving DeWayne and Monica a ride back to what I would loosely call their “house.” There is no electricity, therefore no heat. I see them get out of our van, walk across their unkempt yard, and open the door. As our van turns around and passes by I see DeWayne lighting a candle inside. Monica says her pregnancy is coming along fine although I do not get many details because she is very quiet. As for DeWayne, he puts on a macho front at the Opportunity Center, but it is clear when he is away from this environment, his demeanor changes from machismo to one resembling a scared little boy. On the streets, I suppose he has to survive by putting on his macho act. I do wonder is there some way I can connect with him, yet it is difficult to do when he hardly says two words in response to a question. In some ways behind his tough exterior, he really is a scared little boy who is socially awkward in front of us.

And what strikes me beyond just DeWayne is the difficulty to connect. In all the conversations I have had; with Alma, with Faye, with Gussie, with Mark, and everyone else, it always seems to be one-sided, as in me listening. I know just being there to listen is so important because they need someone to unload on. I know they are hoping that somehow the sharing of their struggles will relieve the burden they carry on their backs but I so much, just once, want someone to ask me, “Why are you out here? Why are you doing this?” so I can tell them more about my Savior, and how He rescued me, and the peace and rest He has given me even amidst my own trials and struggles. Yet it has not happened thus far. Sometimes I ask if I can I pray for them and every time they always say yes, but I so much want to go further. However, to witness to them and maybe even see them surrender seems to me ineffective if I am not able to disciple them on this walk. As I have found out, surrendering your life to Christ is only the first step of a long journey of the soul. Without adequate support, and encouragement, and accountability, and constant nourishment, the soul is so susceptible to drift. And I realize here is what I need to understand; it is not about me. I simply need to have faith that God will take care of the details or show me how to proceed. The last thing I want Father is to bring someone to You and then wipe my hands clean, saying I have done my Christian duty, because I have not.

I pray You help me recognize opportunities. I pray You help me take more risk for souls. I pray You direct me and help me recognize that my prayer life needs strengthening for whatever task You have in store for me.

Part 10 of 18: Alma

1/30/09…Father, this past Wednesday I saw Alma. Thank you for her showing up. I had not seen her for over a month. One of the reasons we made a connection is come to find out both of us have a love for art. Over and over again she tells me about the new museum of art opening up downtown. I can’t help but think seeing the beauty of color on canvas is her escape from this world. She is an ex-con and she is currently living with a boyfriend Jamie whom she readily has told me is on crack. To look at Jamie, one would never know this. He is young and in shape; the crack addiction has yet to take its toll on his flesh. Quickly after exiting the van, I hastily make my way over to her. It was easy to spot her because she is so short. I laugh at this, she does too. We give each other a big hug and hello. I say hey to Julian, her friend. Months earlier he was telling me about trying to start a dry cleaning business but lacked the money. She proceeds to tell me about what is going on in her life and about Kimo (her ten year old son). The connection is good; I missed seeing her all these weeks. Yet I really worry about her. As I am talking to her I see Jamie across the street wondering around and ask her what is going on. She tells me he is high and looking to score a deal. I see him duck behind some bushes and vanish in between some houses. As she tells me this, you can hear the stress in her voice. Alma really desires to change her life but as an ex-con living with a crack addict, it seems the odds are stacked against her. I pray for her because I am not sure what else to do. Alma has never asked anything from me, clothing, money, or food, she just is there for my company so I try to provide as much comfort for her as I can.

She is also there to get her picture taken by Gerry, one of the street ministry team. Gerry is an amateur photographer who randomly takes pictures of the Jackson homeless and with their permission, posts them online http://gprintz.smugmug.com/Street-Scenes. Usually, he will show up the following week and hand out copies of the photos to the people he took pictures of. Some seem to get a real joy and kick from this. In particular, Alma is giddy as a school kid to get her picture taken and she always makes a point to find Gerry and ask for a memento. For her, I think seeing herself in a photo means she exists. It almost seems like she is crying out behind her smiles and laughter as if she is saying…remember me.

Postlude 12/7/10…In an email from Gerry, I learn Alma died. Sad cannot adequately describe how I felt when I read that email. I do not know if Alma made it to heaven, and I have serious doubts. Because of this I am feeling deep remorse. Here was Alma, a living breathing person with a soul. Someone who befriended me as much as I befriended her. Both of us coming from opposite worlds and yet somehow God provided an avenue for us to meet. Yes, I prayed with her several times, but was it truly enough? Was I truly convicted enough to make her understand every time she walked away at the end of the night, there was no other decision that was as important as giving her life to Christ? I hang my head when I realize I did not. And now Alma is gone.

Things Hoped For…

1/22/09…Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:13 talks of Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, and Sarah, and writes, “These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.” Father, help me see the truth in your Words. It is so difficult at times to follow You because I cannot see or touch You. It is so much easier to follow this world because I can see and touch it…yet where is the truth in this? Have I not learned the path of the world is one which leads to the metaphor of a rotted out log? On the outside it looks like a log, but on the inside it is devoid of living cells. Father, let faith be my substance, let it be my hope, and let it be my evidence of things not seen. Let me remember all of Your promises that You have shown me in Your Word. Indeed they are too many to count on my fingers. I have received them, but many of them I will never see while I am here on earth, and yet let me keep remembering that indeed I am a stranger here. I am a pilgrim. My house has no meaning, my possessions have no meaning, and my money has no meaning. I am a nomad on a place that at best is just a “blip” in time, a quick blink of Your eye…

Let me pursue You with passion, and let me surrender myself daily to You in order to do good and glorify Your name. There is no other meaning to life than this.

Would God Rather Clean Toilets?

1/21/09…Oh Father, how another truth is revealed to me. Sitting down at lunch and talking with a woman, Your nature shows itself upon my reflection. You want all of me do You not? If I am checked out or lukewarm towards You, then there is no relationship. Is this not true? If I am sitting there listening to her in an apathetic manner, she would pick up on this. To herself she would probably think, “This guy is not listening to me, what good is it for me to sit here and talk with him, to develop relationship. I would rather go home and clean the toilets.” Is this not true? Since a woman is a reflection of You, a reflection of relationship, what does this say about You when I am apathetic towards You? Would You not rather go clean the toilets? Why bother with me if I am checked out…

I must say this is an interesting lesson for me to learn. Our relationship is only as good as my commitment towards You. It all rests on my pursuit of You like a lover. Where there is no passion, there is only a lukewarm relationship…