One Foot In, One Foot Out, One in My Mouth and One in the Thorns

5/14/13…Lately a realization is creeping in. Did drift happen overnight? No. Never seems to work this way. Whether spiritually growing closer to God or spiritually drifting away from God, I find a slow welling up of joy or a slow erosion occurs. I much prefer the joy vs the erosion.

What do I realize? A number of things. I am straddling the world with one foot in and the other straddling God. My conscious guides me but I am not heeding, and I believe I let the devil convince me what’s the harm? The drift is so subtle, and I find my second thoughts about my actions no longer creep in. I no longer give much of a second thought. This is troubling.

I also am choking in the thorns of this world. The stress of work is hard to ignore anymore. I now realize why Deming said management by objectives is so debilitating over time. There remains a fear of keeping my job, brought on by the firing from two jobs ago. I stress ensuring my son is getting a college education. I stress financially supporting my wonderful wife. I stress way more about money than the past. Thankfully, we continue giving even in the midst of this stress.

I also realize being married and learning how to spiritually lead is difficult. My instinct is spending time on my own with Christ. However, I have a house where there is no privacy or alone time. I now understand what Paul meant when he cautioned those who are married will be conflicted with worries of the world. Those who are single have a freedom those who are married do not have. Before I considered marriage, I wrestled with this passage from Paul. My friend David knows because of our many discussions. In particular my lust needing a healthy outlet. Not a sole reason for getting married but alas playing a part when I read the Word. Do I regret marriage? Absolutely not. But I do miss the alone time with Christ. Somehow my wife and I must learn how we approach as Savior as one.

Of this I grieve. There is not much spiritual fruit in me. I feel as if I am becoming more of a caricature of my former self. This is simply seed spread on stony ground. There is not much dirt for the roots to take hold. I hang on former moments versus living joyfully in the present and letting the Spirit guide me in doing glory for God.

Righteousness

7/28/12…Proverbs 10:3 The Lord will not allow the righteous soul to famish. Father, I seek a deeper meaning. This verse appears straightforward. Yet, I cannot move on. The words Solomon wrote intrigue me as if I am approaching a green traffic light turning yellow.

I go to the dictionary for added information. I learn a righteous person is concerned with principles of right and wrong or conforming to standards of behavior and character based on those principles. I immediately think of the word self-righteous. In fact when I hear the word righteous I actually seem to hear self-righteous. However self-righteous is this; confident of one’s own righteousness, especially when smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others. Hmmm…Self-righteous is when a righteous person crosses a line. The other word popping into my thoughts like buttered popcorn is legalism; the strict adherence or the principle of strict adherence, to law or prescription, especially to the letter rather than the spirit. I also learn famish in part means to anguish or to be weak or suffer.

As I juxtapose Proverbs 10:3, this is what I come up with; The Lord will not allow the soul of a person concerned with principles of right or wrong or one who conforms to standards of behavior and character of right and wrong to anguish or to be weak or suffer. My next thought on this sends me to the Beatitudes spoken by Jesus. Among them, blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled. As well, blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Father, I am driven to go further. I am so tired right now, but I am unable to stop. I look up the meaning of suffer, I look up the meaning of persecuted and I also acknowledge famish is about those who hunger. Where does the line of thought reach a sensible conclusion to give me rest in Your Word? How much further? I wait…

I let my mind think…

Some moments later, peripheral thoughts not quite coherent enter my mind. I am one whose tendency is to avoid conflict. I fear the accusation of self-righteousness. I fear legalism. These are things of the world, not on the above. I think I fear persecution. I may fear suffering. And yet when my posture loved You with all my heart, soul and mind I was willing to go to China and face arrest. There was no fear. Now, I am in comfort and sanctuary. Is this a time of rest You blessed me with? Or am I not moving because of…

Or do I move because of…?

Submission? Community? Openness? Confession? Meditation? Listening? Willingness? Enveloping? Engulfing? Wide Wonder? Love? Study? Pursuit? Worship? Music? Joy?

I shall write no more Lord with only the final thought. Is not humility the core of righteousness?