The Whirlpool Galaxy

12/11/08…The universe, one verse, is you oh God. My desire is for You, I reach out my arms towards You, laughing, spinning, dancing in my soul. My feet hop onto Your oxygen and I hang 10 through the atmosphere. Looking back and laughing I see the planet Earth fading from view as I leave the last traces of the Milky Way in my wake towards You. Yes, with all my heart I sing praise, “I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back”…I grin from ear to ear as I pass by the Supergiant Star Monocerotis and its supergiant light echoes back to me with praise of You. I struggle to gain my balance by bending my knees and balancing myself with my arms. Your beauty is so wonderfully distracting…

I feel space flowing through my gray hair betraying my years. Over and over again I blink my eyes trying to return moisture as the artificially created wind dries them out. After 30 million light years I see my destination faintly before me…an image taken by a man-made telescope by astronomers whom You gifted. This marvel of a telescope, the Hubble, is one of the greatest inventions made by man. Oh but you God, show us the marvel and humbly bring us to our knees at Your majesty because we make telescopes, You make galaxies. In denial, NASA calls it the X structure in the Whirlpool Galaxy. It looks like anything but an X. I arrive and in wonder I hang in mid-air and look before me. In awe before Your spectacle, my voice is lost, tears form in my eyes, and my breath abandons me. I stand amazed. My eyes rise as I bask in the blue light of my Jesus. I am dwarfed, barely to be seen, in the glow of a cross so big and beautiful its height is only measured by a number not yet created by man. The only thing I am able to do is slowly raise my arms above my head and turn my palms up to the majesty of the cross before me. All because of Your love, in devotion I sing, “the cross befoooore meee, the world behiiiind meee, the cross befoooore meee, the world behiiiind meee, the cross befoooore meee, the world behiiiind meee, no turning back, no turning back”…

A humble prayer to all of God’s daughters…

12/10/08…Father… Your breathed words to those who nourish life, “Do not let your adornment be merely outward ”…oh how as a man I want them to understand the beauty of this passage…they are a mystery to me, awaiting discovery, and a seeking of a treasure that is ever elusive, but so much worth the pursuit… is this not why You created them?... is this not a reflection of You, who You are, a mystery, but worth the pursuit…and You give me, a man, a taste of who You are in a woman… so I pursue, sometimes with reckless abandon, these wonderful treasures...but Father, with time I now see a woman differently…I may see the outside first but as a pursuer of You I quickly look to the inside…yes, I see the adornment on the outside, how can a man not notice the outward beauty of a woman…but I now look at them to see if they have “the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of You ”…whenever I cross paths with a gilded flower such as this, I immediately notice a radiance and joy emanating from them…

I have seen women who look to You as duty or obligation, it is never a pleasant sight to see…I have seen women who are lukewarm toward You, and in turn my heart breaks for them knowing the chains that bind their heart, and instead of a radiating joy, there is only a bath of water, not warm enough to draw others to them…And Father I have seen one, who in flawed pursuit, still passionately pursues You…and it is so refreshing …this is where, dare I say, a woman’s sexiness comes from…the glow covers up whatever perceived flaws she thinks she has, weight, cellulite, even a bad hair day…how can I help them understand the truth in this?...when she is looking to You, it is the purest form of the pouring out of love that there is…Your water nourishes her, and she sprouts from a weed into a brilliant tenebrosa orchid…

And as a man, this is the beauty that draws me to her, and lo I am drawn to be her water…

Oh up High I feel so Alive

12/9/08…My gait is slow and labored but I keep walking, one foot in front of the other. My eye is full of darkness so I doubt my next step. The only thing I know to do though is take another step…and another step, and another step. What else am I to do but take another step. I continue on into the cold starlit night. My path is only illuminated by the occasional streetlight. As I walk, my thoughts turn to words of comfort, words from a friend back in Tennessee who understands me. And somehow the sensation of vibrations travels the length of a cord to my ear, and I hear triumphantly “I am free to run!” I slowly break out into a run, I lift my arms to heaven, and a smile as large as Guitar-Man crosses my face.

“Oh up High I feel so alive, so alive for the very first time.”

Paradox of Obedience

12/8/08…Father, as I pondered the paradox of obedience, You pointed me to Your passage in Matthew. Unbelievably I turned right to it as I randomly flipped the pages of Your Word and started reading the temptation of Christ three times by the Devil. What immediately struck me were the opening Words, “Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.”…What!? I say incredulously! You intentionally had Your Spirit lead Him into temptation. Why? Why would You do this to Your Son? Was there intent here? Did You deliberately want to test Him? Yes, I understand there are other meanings to this passage, but what strikes me in this moment is the intent, and the words “Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted.”

Everything Christ experienced was experienced in human form so vessels like me could relate to Him and understand His perfection even in the midst of temptation. He is my living example as a human. But I am now wondering if what the Spirit did to Him, will it do to me likewise, otherwise why bother including this story in Your Word? At times, will you be leading me into temptation? Is this truth? Is it true Your Spirit will act on Your behalf and actually!! direct me so I can be tempted? If so, that doesn’t seem quite fair. It is not like apples to apples, it is apples to oranges…Christ to Greg, ughhh, I even hate writing my name next to Your Son’s…that is apples to rotten oranges, by no means is that apples to apples. I don’t stand a chance…

And so Father, I heard Your messenger this Sunday talk of obedience, once again…but how do I reconcile this? Your messenger talks of obedience as if now that the words are uttered, his hands are wiped clean of the matter, and time to move on to the next topic…but hold on, wait a minute. Your Word dare I say, demands obedience, but You say, or is it You know, we are not going to be obedient. That is why You sent Your Son to die for me is it not? I understand grace but this paradox of obedience continues to haunt me. Father, are You not saying, be obedient, and yet You know I will not be obedient. Once again, be obedient, but You know I will not be obedient…and for good measure You may, with intent, allow temptation in my path. And since I am not Christ, You already know I will probably fail. Father, I almost have to laugh at this, it is maddening in so many ways, which I know You understand. My only hope is in You. Please forgive me. Thank You for Your Son dying on the cross for my continued disobedience. Thank You for Christmas and helping me remember it is about celebrating His birth, it is about celebrating forgiveness, and it is about celebrating an apple to a rotten orange…

God is Disappointed in You

12/5/08…There is a battle raging in me. The Holy Spirit has taken up arms. He intends to win. The closer I have drawn to my Lord, my Savior, my God, the more I have been attacked, in ways unimaginable to me. Who else but Satan would be involved in this lie told to me? A lie told by a person that cuts to the core when the words are, “God is disappointed in you.” Yes I know it is a lie, given to me by the father of all lies but the battle has raged for weeks on end. At first with me pretending the words did not cut deep…but then later, weeks later, I realized they reached the mark Satan had intended it to reach and all those demons from my teenage years and why I drifted resurfacing. So the Holy Spirit has taken up arms on behalf of me…for who else is fighting for me, when I have all but laid down my Bible for three weeks, and stopped praying, and stopped listening. It is a war of attrition in the spiritual realm I cannot see, or touch, or hear, but somehow I can feel. And every temptation thrown my way is presented so I can reinforce that I am a disappointment to God. And yet I know I am not, but how do I rid myself of this thought that has haunted me every single day for weeks on end. When I least expect it, it crosses my mind and I give in to a temptation versus going to my Father. But He has not forsaken me, instead He is fighting for me. He knows there is too much good, and too much glory, for Satan to win…

Tonight I feel stronger, I can feel the battle being waged inside my soul, and for the first time I can feel Him winning. And all the while God continues to show me where the true battlefront is…for those who are sleeping tonight on a concrete slab with cardboard as their bed. For Douglas who is huddled in his dented green car trying to keep warm. To Alma who is fresh out of prison, facing a son up for murder charges, and a daughter who has been raped. For Vanda who is unable to kick her drug habit. For Jamie who is a crack addict. For Priscilla who has HIV. For Byrd whose only request of me was for a winter coat to keep warm. These are the ones whom Satan is having his way with. So I know my Father has put on his armor, and He is in me fighting as a warrior to kick the father of all lies out of me once and for all…so He can use me to do good and glorify Him. For my God is strong enough to split boulders in two with the touch of His pinkie. My God breathes dust and spits it out creating a fire breathing Sun. My God sighs and smites the evil of nations. My God is a warrior who fights for His redeemed. With the palm of His hand, my God can press down Mount Everest into a pile of dust. Who are you Satan to fight my God!? My God will win because my God is a warrior fighting for me on my behalf and His Son has said to you, “Get thee behind me Satan!”

Poor in Spirit...Am I?

10/05/08…Oh, Christ Jesus, my Savior…I think I understand Your beatitude, “Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” I never knew its truth before this pursuit of You. My spirit feels poor. Through Your holy truth, my spirit grieves. It is unable to completely let go of creature comforts, and to take everything I own and lay it before You; to store up no treasure here on earth, and instead, focus on feeding the hungry, and helping the poor. If my soul can cry, then its tears are staining my heart. They are coming down in slow drips, a slow torture. One drop at a time, reminding me every three seconds of my inability to drop it all and follow You in reckless passionate pursuit. This beckoning truth weighs heavy on my shoulders. I am unable to shoulder it alone. What am I to do? You ask nothing of me, but me, yet I am so in love with You I want to follow You so bad, it hurts me, and in turn my spirit indeed grieves. Is this what it means to be poor in spirit? I realize the unworthiness of following You. I say one thing, I do another. Were this body garbage, I would throw it in a landfill and cover it up with the stinking refuse and then let the birds pick at it so at least they gain some nourishment from me.