4/22/09…I am troubled tonight and therefore I cannot sleep. Some five weeks removed from serving the homeless and afflicted, I once again trek down there because of my joyful heart for what God has done for me and my gratitude. I have come to rest in His words, “Be still and know I am God.” Yet tonight I felt so lonely. The ride over in the van felt good, like home, but Bob F. was unable to attend because of his own weariness, and I sense the same weariness in him that attacked me. We arrive and I reconnect with my friends who serve alongside me, Bridgett, Michael, and of course the Greene’s. Yet it is not the same. To some degree I felt like I deserted them over these last five weeks, but I felt my heart was just not in it and to go would have been out of duty or a sense of obligation, both of which I promised myself I would never do…so I did not go.
Visiting Miss Dorothy was special, but I am not sure she remembered me, although it did feel good to pray for her. It didn’t feel good that I had forgotten Darius’s name (a ten year old kid I met in her neighborhood) or at least I thought I did but later realized I didn’t, but at the time I was unsure of saying it in case I called him by the wrong name. Darius asked about Liv, one of our street ministry team. I believe I have lost some trust with him by not seeing him in five weeks. It did feel good to see Miss Gladys, Miss Dorothy’s sister. After visiting with her, we made our way to the Opportunity Center and along the way we pick up Sir Dan off the streets. I also meet Evan but that was it. In five weeks so much has changed. None of my friends were there and what once felt like home felt strange and empty as though I deserted them while trying to get through a difficult season in my walk. It seemed distant and I felt no connection to anyone. Before people would magically appear before me as if drawn to me, and tonight nothing so I wonder what God was trying to say to me. Maybe He rewards the faithful who stay steadfast even among difficulties. Maybe I have to build that trust again, but does He want me to press on if my heart is not postured right? I don’t know…
Then Bob G. tells me about Dewayne and how he is telling his friends in his machismo act that “we are stupid, and they should take us for everything we got.” Bob G. says Dewayne and some of his “friends” asked for a ride last time and took them on a wild goose chase in bad parts of the city as if they were trying to set them up. Bob’s face grimaces. Bob has spent a lot of time trying to connect with Dewayne. What happens though when you try to love those who do not want your love and may even wish harm upon you? I can see this is wearing on Bob.
My head lowers. All my joy in returning to the ministry seemingly evaporates…
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