3/6/09…Father, I have become unholy. I do not phrase this as a question because it is a statement is it not? I wish it were not so, but it is. Remember that day Lord, remember when You took my hand in Your hand, and You let me know, “Lo I am with always, even until the end of the ages.” Oh how sweet our relationship was after that crisp September evening. I ate your Word day and night savoring it like a truffle. I talked to You, and I listened to You. We had relationship, You and me, Father and son, man it was so awesome. I felt You so close to me, to the extent that fifteen minutes every morning of study, prayer, journaling, and listening, produced such fruit for Your glory and such joy for me.
As I remember this season, which is so important, I remember my all consuming passion for You. It overrode everything else in my life. What happened? Is it true your holiness cannot attach itself to my unholiness any longer? Are there degrees? Lord, You know my heart is still for You, all of me and nothing held back, and yet I miss our relationship. You are, or is it me, that is so distant?
It seems one thing I do remember during our season was my thought life. With my surrendering and Your indwelling in me, my desires were quenched. This seemed to make a difference. And now it is a struggle, at times without me putting up much of a fight anymore. Before I had no need to fight it because my joy was so great I did not want to risk losing it. But now, my spirit is sad, and in the pain, and sometimes in the desire, I give in. And now I wonder is my unholiness causing You to remain distant? In the purity that is You, have I crossed a line? I can only think this is truth.
Father, I pray help me restore us. Reveal to me how to restore us. I miss You so much. I do not like this feeling of not feeling You in my prayer life. Let me surrender, let me trust, let me put on my body of armor and fight my thought life. Let me not give in to pain nor search for relief in avenues apart from You. Indeed, let me go to You for relief…
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