Seeing God: Post 2

 

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On the shores of Lake McDonald. I think words along with a photograph tell a complete story. In this picture, the sunrise is the most beautiful one I ever experience in my fifty years. However, what you as the viewer may not realize is we went through a lengthy list of coincidences and planning to experience this incredible sunrise. Let’s start with, this is our first ever visit to Glacier National Park. Next, previous to this day we awake in the predawn hours of 4 am on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and another Friday with uneventful results in capturing a sunrise. On multiple days we brave 25-30 mile per hour predawn winds with bone chilling temperatures in the lower 40’s. Melody chases me around as I try finding the perfect photographic spot, with some misses like not getting an object in the foreground. Me trying to figure out the right camera settings on my new DSLR camera, again with some misses.

And finally, this morning. On the night before, we were feeling iffy regarding driving back into the park from Kalispell on our last day since the trip adds another two hours driving time when we return to Missoula. At 3:30 am I wake without the alarm clock going off, a good sign but I notice I am lukewarm in my motivation. Melody notices too but encourages us to go. We go.

After driving forty-five minutes and entering the park around 5 am, the road hugs the fifteen-mile lake and I see predawn reflections in the water; probably the first time all week the lake is calm. As I drive, from experience, I see the potential of a spectacular sunrise due to a break in the clouds on the horizon and overhead. I suddenly decide to pull over. I rush out of the car leaving Melody behind and make my way down a steep ledge and through some trees to the lakeshore. I set my camera up. I swat some mosquitoes away, actually many mosquitoes. Oops I forgot the bug spray.

Minutes later, I see the first traces of pink in the sky and quickly go get Melody out of the car to come join me. I carefully help her down the slick dirt slope. Within moments, we see more faint glimpses of color; and then, in one brief second, God turns on His bedroom light to greet the day. Wow! The sky fills with pinks, reds, yellows and oranges. And then, WHOA, the most intense orange sunrays illuminate the sky like a flashlight!!! We just sit there with our mouths open wide. The intensity continues to ramp up. We hear multiple people stop their cars, jump out, scurry down to the shoreline and ooo and aww in amazement! In less than five minutes the display is over.

I sometimes wonder if this is a glimpse of how God rewards the faithful. Maybe He too wants to see the desire for us to experience Him but not unless we are able to rise at 3:30 am. Not unless we brave bone chilling cold. Not unless we persist in coming to Him every day. And yes, sometimes, not unless we are willing to fight off the mosquitoes.

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Seeing God: Post 1

A still dusk behind the Turret Arch moves me to photograph this scene. Among the hue of orange and red rocks, the sky is drawing me in. The color of God's handiwork, so unimaginative yet so mesmerizing. There are no hard transitions between the orange, yellow and blue, and as all artists know this is the most challenging aspect of any art, the blending. And yet here before me, the perfection of a blend.

Canon EOS 5D Mark IV

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Where is my Reverence?

2/20/16…Monday morning my shovel pushes the powdery snow to the edge of our driveway. Back and forth I go. Snow falls. Cold nips my cheeks. Sweat forms on my back. I pause. In the still of the morning, I gaze around. Why does quiet sound so different when snow is falling? There is a stillness in the air and yet the snowflakes quietly whisper as they descend. And then a thought, maybe it is the whisper of a snowflake, enters into my head. My problem is not my relationship with God, my problem is my reverence to my God. I pause my shovel. All those days stuck in Job and rereading the same passages over and over come rushing back to me.

After losing everything including his health, Job’s friends, Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar come to mourn with him and give him comfort. For seven days and seven nights they remain silent and grieve with Job. Then Job finally speaks of his misery. And his friends feel compelled to offer advice. First is Eliphaz. He tells Job the form of a spirit came before him and spoke words of which he offers to Job. Eliphaz conveys to Job his issue is unresolved sin, and God is chastening him for his sin. Bildad adds Job’s confessions are not in earnest nor his supplications towards God. If they were, God would already have restored Job. Zophar offers Job is hiding his iniquities and not bringing them to the Light.

Like counterpunches, Job provides thoughts back to his friends, mostly chastising them for their accusations. Eliphaz answers. Job’s knowledge is puffing him up and causing him not to listen to his friends. Bildad counters and asks how dare Job think they are stupid. It is Job’s wickedness which has brought all this upon himself. Zophar accuses Job of being a hypocrite and haughty. Bildad chimes in and asks how Job can really discern whether he himself is righteous. Finally, after Job gives a final discourse, his three friends give up because Job is righteous in his own eyes.

Elihu, remaining quiet the whole time finally erupts. He is years younger than everyone else. He tells the spirit within him compels him to offer words. He declares himself a spokesman before God. He lets Job know he will teach him wisdom. To Job, he offers God would not do anything to Job unless Job had committed iniquities. Further Job is without knowledge and wisdom, so he does not speak truth. Added to this, Job is also rebelling against God.

Herein lies the problem from Job and all his friends. Through 37 chapters. Through all the questioning. Through all the advice, insight and perspective. Through all the debate. The truth is no one spoke truth.

Beginning in chapter 38 God answers Job. Not regarding why his oxen and donkeys were stolen, his servants killed, his sheep and servants burned, his camels stolen, his sons and daughters killed, and his body infected with boils from head to toe.

God’s answer to Job’s condition is this.

Where is your reverence…

Why am I stuck in JOB?

9/16/2013…Oh my! I realize my last blog entry was so long ago. My head hangs. My gut expands and not in breath. I have sought comfort in things not of God because I am stuck. Seems my only instant gratification consisted of this world. Is it not true I am allowing the thorns of this world to choke me out?

Late last summer, I was breezing through the Old Testament at a moderate pace and then I came across Job. For three months, I could not get past this book. It was as if the Spirit in my mind said hold on, stop, embrace. My feeble attempts to move on resulted in unfocused study and rambling short prayers. And so I would go back to Job, read some, and then try to move on. I repeated this over and over to no avail. Unfortunately, no measure of peace in my mind allowed me to move on. And then, I stopped. Everything stopped. Fifteen months later, I now sit down and write words in hope of an answer.

This is my confession. In Job, God allowed Satan to take everything away from him. The writer responds, “in all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.” Further, Satan then infected Job with boils from head to toe. Job’s response, “Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” The writer adds, “…in all this Job did not sin with his lips.”

You may ask, what is my confession? It is this. If God took all away from me today, I fear I would not respond as Job did. After all God has done for me, I feel shame. I realize maybe I did not learn anything from my previous test in Mississippi. Almost two years into a move which raised me to new spiritual heights and yet pressed on me beyond what I thought I could handle, I charged God with questioning doubt and I sinned. I also feel I sinned with my lips to my Creator. And maybe this is why Job hits home so much. I can relate to parts of his story. Near the end of the Book of Job, God calls into question Job, and this could easily be me. God says, “Who is this who darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Now prepare yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer Me.” God goes on a rant, and I mean this in the best way, because this is what Job and myself need to hear. We are put in our place as creatures created by One who is under no obligation to explain rationale or reason. After all, we created nothing. In my feeble attempts, I only create these words because of the same challenge God gives to Job, “Who has put wisdom in the mind? Or who has given understanding to the heart?”

Of nothing I have done of my own accord. My best is nothing in God’s sight. And yet the paradox, is He wants me…all in. 

One Foot In, One Foot Out, One in My Mouth and One in the Thorns

5/14/13…Lately a realization is creeping in. Did drift happen overnight? No. Never seems to work this way. Whether spiritually growing closer to God or spiritually drifting away from God, I find a slow welling up of joy or a slow erosion occurs. I much prefer the joy vs the erosion.

What do I realize? A number of things. I am straddling the world with one foot in and the other straddling God. My conscious guides me but I am not heeding, and I believe I let the devil convince me what’s the harm? The drift is so subtle, and I find my second thoughts about my actions no longer creep in. I no longer give much of a second thought. This is troubling.

I also am choking in the thorns of this world. The stress of work is hard to ignore anymore. I now realize why Deming said management by objectives is so debilitating over time. There remains a fear of keeping my job, brought on by the firing from two jobs ago. I stress ensuring my son is getting a college education. I stress financially supporting my wonderful wife. I stress way more about money than the past. Thankfully, we continue giving even in the midst of this stress.

I also realize being married and learning how to spiritually lead is difficult. My instinct is spending time on my own with Christ. However, I have a house where there is no privacy or alone time. I now understand what Paul meant when he cautioned those who are married will be conflicted with worries of the world. Those who are single have a freedom those who are married do not have. Before I considered marriage, I wrestled with this passage from Paul. My friend David knows because of our many discussions. In particular my lust needing a healthy outlet. Not a sole reason for getting married but alas playing a part when I read the Word. Do I regret marriage? Absolutely not. But I do miss the alone time with Christ. Somehow my wife and I must learn how we approach as Savior as one.

Of this I grieve. There is not much spiritual fruit in me. I feel as if I am becoming more of a caricature of my former self. This is simply seed spread on stony ground. There is not much dirt for the roots to take hold. I hang on former moments versus living joyfully in the present and letting the Spirit guide me in doing glory for God.

Righteousness

7/28/12…Proverbs 10:3 The Lord will not allow the righteous soul to famish. Father, I seek a deeper meaning. This verse appears straightforward. Yet, I cannot move on. The words Solomon wrote intrigue me as if I am approaching a green traffic light turning yellow.

I go to the dictionary for added information. I learn a righteous person is concerned with principles of right and wrong or conforming to standards of behavior and character based on those principles. I immediately think of the word self-righteous. In fact when I hear the word righteous I actually seem to hear self-righteous. However self-righteous is this; confident of one’s own righteousness, especially when smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others. Hmmm…Self-righteous is when a righteous person crosses a line. The other word popping into my thoughts like buttered popcorn is legalism; the strict adherence or the principle of strict adherence, to law or prescription, especially to the letter rather than the spirit. I also learn famish in part means to anguish or to be weak or suffer.

As I juxtapose Proverbs 10:3, this is what I come up with; The Lord will not allow the soul of a person concerned with principles of right or wrong or one who conforms to standards of behavior and character of right and wrong to anguish or to be weak or suffer. My next thought on this sends me to the Beatitudes spoken by Jesus. Among them, blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled. As well, blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Father, I am driven to go further. I am so tired right now, but I am unable to stop. I look up the meaning of suffer, I look up the meaning of persecuted and I also acknowledge famish is about those who hunger. Where does the line of thought reach a sensible conclusion to give me rest in Your Word? How much further? I wait…

I let my mind think…

Some moments later, peripheral thoughts not quite coherent enter my mind. I am one whose tendency is to avoid conflict. I fear the accusation of self-righteousness. I fear legalism. These are things of the world, not on the above. I think I fear persecution. I may fear suffering. And yet when my posture loved You with all my heart, soul and mind I was willing to go to China and face arrest. There was no fear. Now, I am in comfort and sanctuary. Is this a time of rest You blessed me with? Or am I not moving because of…

Or do I move because of…?

Submission? Community? Openness? Confession? Meditation? Listening? Willingness? Enveloping? Engulfing? Wide Wonder? Love? Study? Pursuit? Worship? Music? Joy?

I shall write no more Lord with only the final thought. Is not humility the core of righteousness?

Scoffer

7/25/12…Before I am able to get past the first twelve chapters, I keep coming back to this verse in Proverbs, He who corrects a scoffer gets shame for himself. I am unable to get past these words. I look up scoffer and understand it to mean an expression of mockery, derision, doubt, or derisive scorn; jeer. I was not expecting the word doubt to appear within the definition.  Doubt is a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something. I look up the word shame but find nothing on a deeper level. Certainly I understand correcting a scoffer is fruitless. I ask God if there are any scoffers currently in my life or ones in my past. As I am sure there are, only one comes to mind, and this hits a little too close to home.

The part I am unable to process through is the shame. Why would correcting a scoffer bring shame? I understand a scoffer might mock in return, or express derision, maybe even jeer. There could be doubt expressed. But why would this bring shame on me? I would probably just dismiss this person, or choose never to reengage. Father, the true meaning of what Solomon wrote eludes me.

I fear the knowledge may only present itself when it occurs to me. After all, words in the Bible do not come to life until we live them in experience. However, this sounds like an experience I would rather avoid.

Abominations Postlude

7/25/12…A final thought or two on abominations (see previous entry). In my life, I always thought the word abomination meant stirring up anger or hatred towards something. Now I know there is another meaning.

I also must unexpectedly acknowledge the way I viewed the two men who seemed to sow discord amongst the brethren has changed. At first, I passed judgment on them, and their behavior really detested me. I questioned whether this church was even the right place for my wife and I. In my heart, I sinned against both of them with my self-righteousness. Indeed, my pride put myself above them. This sort of disgusts me, but alas this is my confession.

This is the surprising part. Later my feelings turned into despondency. This I did not expect. Then my despondency turned into compassion for my brothers. Yes, abomination means stirring up anger or hatred towards something, and yet with Christ in me, these feelings eventually transitioned to compassion. This makes me wonder if my Father in heaven feels the same way, and somehow when those who spew abomination sermons from the pulpit actually miss the total picture.

Certainly the timing of reading this passage along with my real-life experience is curious. Proverbs 2:10 When knowledge is pleasant to my soul, discretion will preserve me; understanding will keep me, to deliver me from the way of evil. 

Abominations

7/23/12…This past week there was another passage coming to mind over and over. As I have prayed to God for wisdom, I do not want to blow through Proverbs in a couple of days. Instead I want to slow down and allow time for the words to soak in. In fact I feel there are words to digest which require time. I want to feel at peace before moving on. So I find myself stopping after chapter twelve and going back rereading the highlighted passages from the last week. One of those passages was in chapter six. When I first read it the last sentence really struck a chord with me. In this passage starting with verse 16, Solomon outlines six abominations to the Lord, and then adds a seventh, almost as if the seventh one is worse than the previous six. Whether or not this is the case or not, I am not sure.

The word abomination is a strong word. Within the context of the Bible whenever I hear of this I usually think of the Old Testament where in the Pentateuch the Lord shares abominations in His eyes. The one I seem to hear so often from pulpits is the one regarding homosexuals. So once again as I try to dig a little deeper, I look up the meaning of the word and find a list of the following definitions; abomination is anything greatly disliked or abhorred (to regard with extreme repugnance or aversion; detest utterly; loathe) or an intense aversion; a vile, shameful, or detestable action, condition, habit, etc.

In this context, I reread Proverbs and the list of the six abominations, all of which seem to make sense; a proud look, someone who lies, someone who murders, someone who devises wicked plans, those who run quickly seeking out evil, and those who speak false witness. I would not argue with any of these. They certainly are egregious and belong together. But the seventh one? I pause…then I read, and one who sows discord among brethren. One, I thought how unusual sowing discord is in the same list as murder. Two, I began to wonder if I do this in my life? Then I think about my past. Have I conducted myself in a way where I sowed discord among brethren? And what does discord really mean? Looking it up discord means in part a lack of harmony between persons or disagreement; difference of opinion; strife; dispute. So if I am sowing this among my brethren, then God views this along the same lines as murder. I am somewhat dumbfounded.

Five days later, my wife and I are going to church and a parishioner makes a snide comment about where we live and in a joking manner, they better make sure the Baptists don’t get hold of us first. Everyone around him laughs.

And then in the service, a person who is heading up the capital campaign makes a snide reference that we do not want others going to the Presbyterian or Baptist churches because the this church does not have the good facilities or such. As I listened to this, my heart sank. Is this really the reason to spend millions of dollars on building upgrades?

Keep in mind, this is only our third visit to this church, and as we have struggled to find a Spirit-filled church, hearing this was not good. I wonder if this qualifies as an abomination.

   

For some reason, I have a desire to hold this verse close to my heart on my continued journey. And I certainly wonder if I will ever outrun denominations; the answer is probably not. I can only hope I never contribute to this by railing against the very thing I detest. As I contemplate this more, the feeling I have is one of despondency, and I wonder if this is what God feels. Yes, the act itself is one of abomination. If indeed what I experienced is considered sowing discord, I find the resulting feeling I have is not anger, but a sad feeling of despondency, as if how is there any hope? Once realizing this, I realize the only answer is a Savior.

Indeed, the only logical answer God could provide human kind in our abominations is Grace.

Enraptured With Her Love

7/23/12…Certainly this passage in Proverbs spoke to me on a personal level:

18 Let your fountain be blessed

And rejoice with your wife of your youth.

19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe,

Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;

And always be enraptured with her love.

I find the blessing behind what the Psalmist wrote regarding meditating day and night on what is good. As I read the above words, I think about them not only in the moment, but at other times. The words in the Bible are all good. I do not recall anything within the Bible directing me in such a way which causes me intentional harm. Even in those cases where trials, tests, and tribulations are present, there is a greater good at work of which I may or may not know. The world directs me otherwise. The world directs me to chase. There is a lot of harm in chasing, especially in what the world is selling. 

As I read the above passage in Proverbs, I certainly felt not only continuing to find satisfaction with my wife, but letting her satisfy me at all times. Meaning this. There are times where she wants to connect physically with myself and within just this need, she finds an inner satisfaction I cannot understand. When those times occur, I need to let go and apart from feeling tired, or not feeling the same thing, indeed just let go. Let myself be enraptured with her love for me, even though I may not feel I deserve her love always. 

There was a moment this past week when I found myself at this crossroad. And suddenly this passage from Proverbs came to mind. And as this verse came to mind, I just let go…in her love.

Compelled

7/15/12…Melody and I suffered paralysis for many months on end. Why? We felt Grace in Johnson City was a place to go for our spirits being lifted in worship and teaching. However, the drive is 1 hour 20 minutes. And yet, I felt a certain amount of guilt knowing there are brothers and sisters around the world who probably walk as far as this every week just to have a chance to worship. Us, we have a nice car to take us. With this said, we acknowledge even if we did attend Grace on a regular basis, being part of a meaningful community would be a challenge.

After two years and visiting many churches, we felt compelled to attend a local church. Yet week after week of good intention instead led to us waking up on Sunday mornings still paralyzed, and avoiding. However, these last two mornings of such pure desire and joy in spending time with my Father in the Bible seemed to finally break the wall down. Once again we woke up late after sleeping 11 hours! Yes, the time was 9:15 and the service started at 9:50. When Melody realized this she broke into tears and my heart suddenly became tender towards her. I encouraged her and said we could still attend the 11:00 service. She mentioned maybe we could skip the service and go to Sunday school. The word Sunday school still causes the hair on my neck to bristle as the words have a deeper connotation of mixed emotion from my past. Her earlier tears though I could not deny. I waffled enough not to discourage, but enough to give us both an out, just in case.

On our way, a train delays us, we seem to hit every traffic light, and we have no idea where we are going. I am a little anxious as meeting new people sometimes is draining for an introvert, not to mention knowing how once again, I will have to embrace honesty in my walk, i.e. failings, if I desire to spiritually grow.

Yet somehow later in the morning I find myself sitting on a couch in front of a small group of Christians, in community. And a sense of belonging suddenly washes over me.

I feel compelled to acknowledge my Father in all this. 

Paths

7/15/12…Father, thank you for this gift of connectedness. When I submit myself and open up my desire is when your Spirit within seems to bless me. I find myself joyfully relishing in those moments when I feel Your presence by the insights offered before me. I acknowledge this. I acknowledge my own intelligence is too feeble. But oh what joy when You open my eyes! Truly I feel joy in my being! These verses in Proverbs speak to me and connect…

5:21 For the ways of myself are before the eyes of my Father, and He ponders all my paths, so therefore, 3:5 trust in my Father with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct my paths, because 2:10 when wisdom enters my heart, and knowledge is pleasant to my soul, discretion will preserve me; understanding will keep me, to deliver me from the way of evil, and oh for joy! 4:18 the path of the just is like the shining sun, that shines ever brighter unto the perfect day!

As my mind thinks deeper on these verses, I replace the some of the words above with these dictionary definitions:

Way is a method, plan, or means for attaining a goal; a manner or mode; a characteristic or habitual manner.

Ponder is to consider something deeply and thoroughly.

Path is a narrow walk or way.

Acknowledge is to admit to be real or true; recognize the existence, truth, or fact of; to show or express appreciation or gratitude; to recognize the authority, validity, or claims of.

Just is guided by truth, reason, justice and fairness.

As my mind finishes meditating on these passages, all I can think of is the last verse in Proverbs. Why? Because the last verse is the one Esther, a deeply committed sister in Christ I met in China, pointed out to me as her favorite…five years ago. I still remember. 

Love and Fear

7/14/12…Oh Father, as I sit here this morning, I desire Your presence. Strangely I feel so calm, reassured and peaceful. Seeking You soothes my soul. The days passing me by are restless. Within I sense a need of seeking out instruction, guidance and wisdom. Yesterday I turned to Proverbs in the hope of uncovering seeds of knowledge. I long not to stray, and certainly feel going to Your Word and connecting with those who came before me is the most sensible thing to do. Strange how thousands of years ago I seek the knowledge today’s world is unable to provide. One would think the advancement of our technological intellect would lead to a direct correlation of the advancement of our souls. Sadly though, it has not. We remain slaves to our sin and oppress ourselves. I know this. Therefore I seek the words of wisdom from Solomon, knowing before his fall, You inspired Him with thoughts of who You are, and guidance to travel well.

I pray for insight and humility, for I fear pride is my largest obstacle.

As I go through Proverbs, I realize circumstances in my life and the experiences behind me may shape how the Spirit within chooses to speak to me. As I start, this initial verse stands out to me:

1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. For some reason this verse caused me to pause before reading on. The word fear stood out to me like a monolith. I read this verse again and wonder why I am compelled to go no further. Indeed, the greatest commandment consistent throughout the Old and New Testament is to love, not fear, my Father with all my heart, soul and mind. On a personal level, the word fear brings up bad memories for me, especially from a fire and brimstone religious upbringing. So I think to myself, to even begin knowing God, I must fear Him first? Loving someone is much better than fearing someone. After all, with fear, how do I build relationship? With love, yes. With fear, hmmm. So I look up the word fear in a dictionary to try and grasp more of what this word means. What I find is this among the many definitions: fear is extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power. Okay, in this context, I can better live with the word fear because I am in awe of my God, and the word reverence speaks of respect, which I desire to have for God.

Still I am not quite grasping the depth yet. Hmmm. Let me look up reverence and understand more of what this word means. The definition of reverence is a feeling of profound awe and respect and often love. I am sitting in my chair and my eyes open wider and my face moves suddenly towards the computer screen. I am somewhat dumbfounded by what I just read. Am I really seeing this correctly? Did I just read the word love? I look again at the screen and indeed yes, I just read the word love.

Somehow…the definition of fear led to the word love. 

Traveling Companions

7/1/12…As I cleaned up sticks from a severe storm today, I listened to the first of seven messages in Traveling Companions by Tom Oyler of Grace Fellowship Church. This morning’s topic was Help. There was one nugget today from Tom, “With enough time, and correct theology, most of the time in hindsight we can see where the Lord was for us.” As Tom notes, easier said than done. Why? For one, we experience pitfalls in theology interpretation. And two, our nature is evaluating God in the moment, instead of letting time be our ally. 

Indeed, sometimes time is the correct theological interpretation.

Return to a “Normal Job”

6/30/12…Tom’s second message in the series Xmas in Conflict is entitled Spiritual vs Material, and reaffirmed something I needed to hear. In my book, Expect Nothing Expect Everything, I wrote about my difficulty returning to “normal” life after experiencing such a spiritual high on a short term mission trip.

In Tom’s message, he talked about the shepherds who experienced the birth of Jesus. They understood the significance. This was the Messiah. I wonder what conversations the Shepherds engaged in with Mary and Joseph as they gazed upon the newborn. And yet, what I really think about is what happened afterwards. They were, dare I say, on a spiritual high as they returned to their “normal” job. I wonder what they talked about on their walk back. More importantly, what did they talk about in the next thirty years, because Jesus did not even start his ministry until His thirties? Indeed, thirty years is a long time to wait.

Indeed, the Shepherds, just like me, must return to the Toil... 

A Quote from Tom...Priceless

6/30/12…From the series, Xmas in Conflict, “Seeking to resolve our doubts leads to freedom in time.” Tom Oyler, Grace Fellowship Church

M I Crooked Letter Crooked Letter

6/30/12…Today on my hike I listened to a message by Tom Oyler of Grace Fellowship Church. The series title was Xmas in Conflict. And yes the month is June. The message was Belief vs Skepticism and the content centered on John the Baptist’s parents. As usual Tom dug deep and offered wonderful insight. One quote which caused me pause was the following:

“Sometimes we ask for more than we need or more from God than He ever intends to give us to solicit our faith.” As an example, Tom explained how the angel only told Zacharias just enough to elicit a necessary response of faith. The angel never explained how his son would foreshadow the Messiah and eventually baptize Jesus. Indeed, maybe God never intends to tell me everything, just the minimal amount to cause action on my part. I think back on my short time in Mississippi. Upon my return to God, He blessed me with a wonderful church in Grace Fellowship, a wonderful community group of friends and a beautiful area of the country in Northeast Tennessee. And yet, as I was in-between jobs, all the doors kept closing on me until a job in Mississippi opened up. Somehow, and I cannot explain, I felt this is where I needed to go. I told God in prayer I wanted to serve Him and know Him better. He had been so good to me, and in turn I wanted to serve Him out of my gratitude.

Weeks later I am in Mississippi in my new house, starting a new job, not knowing anyone and ten plus hours away from family and my friends. The first year was incredibly difficult and many times I asked God why? And then all of a sudden incredible blessings began occurring. I met deeply committed Christian brothers and sisters. I wrote a book. I served in a downtown street ministry, whose impact still burns in me. And towards the end of my time there, I met my future wife. All this in one year’s time. God did not tell me all this before I moved to Mississippi. All I received was a prompting in some voiceless thought in my mind, somehow encouraging me to go. Somehow, just enough to solicit my faith.

Illicit a Response of Action

5/16/12…What strikes me when reading through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, and now 1 Samuel, is the word stiff-necked. It is eye opening to read how often God’s people loved God and repented of their sins, but soon thereafter became stiff-necked. Time after time, they disposed of God’s love and guidance, and furthermore showed ambivalence towards His power. Hmm…I wonder if I am no better. Maybe the Israelites are a reflection of me. Surely at times I appear stiff-necked towards Him with repeated sin. Surely at times I begin relying on my own guidance versus His guidance in my life. Surely at times I do not seek Him out with all my heart and soul.

So now towards the end of June, I have read through 2 Samuel, 1 Kings, and 2 Kings. I am depressed. King after King did evil in the sight of God and decided not to follow His ways, but am I any better? Only a King here and there such as Josiah did what was right in the sight of God. And I think, why? Why would evil King after evil King endure the horrendous response of God in their lives when they have seen His blessings and peace with Kings such as Josiah. Why? Even David gave away God’s blessings for sex and murder. There were even son’s of Kings who saw their fathers doing what was right in the sight of God, but decided not to follow, and instead did evil.

Many times when the word stiff-necked appears, the word provoke appears soon after. I looked up the dictionary meaning and the definition is “to illicit a response of action”. Over and over the Kings of Israel and Judah did so much evil, abomination, and idolatry, God was provoked to action. In my life, I wonder if I ever provoked Him? I hope my pride does not think the possibility does not exist.

Pride and the Shell Game

4/23/12…I realized something today. Most of my life I spent putting up a wall. The wall I put up was of this world. I let no one in for a long, long time. I let myself become a shallow shell of a man, someone who was good at putting up appearances, but not letting anyone in lest they find me out. Funny thing is, I bet most people could see I was a shell with very little substance on the inside. 

Shell – World

And now I have replaced one shell with another. Once God shattered my world shell and brought me to my knees acknowledging my need for Him, I have slowly without my realizing it built another shell. The shell did not happen overnight. Indeed the shell did not even start forming for 3 years. Then all of a sudden I began missing the intimacy of God. I read a blog article by John Ortberg discussing the spiritual wilderness. I remember reading a book of Mother Teresa’s memoirs. I remember a discussion by a Christian counselor. Without me knowing it, I am finding myself in a wilderness. And now the shell I am building is one of what my relationship with God use to be like versus what it actually is. What it actually is, is a shell with very little substance.

Shell – Religious

I find some ironic connection regarding going from a shell in this world to a shell in the spiritual.

God's Initiative

3/5/12…Over several years, I recorded a number of instrumental tracks. This was my last one. I recorded this with my PRS guitar and Cakewalk Guitar Tracks Pro 3 software. Except for the drums, all sounds are with my guitar or guitar effects pedals linked through an M-Audio interface to a computer.

The song's title and spiritual theme weave around the words, will and initiative. When I am closest to Him, I seek His will, not mine own. These times I savor. Why, because I can sense His initiative in my life, somehow guiding me through his Spirit, which in turn seems to bring about the most good that truly glorifies the One I love. Enjoy...

To listen to God's Initiative, click play:

photo by Greg P.