One Foot In, One Foot Out, One in My Mouth and One in the Thorns

5/14/13…Lately a realization is creeping in. Did drift happen overnight? No. Never seems to work this way. Whether spiritually growing closer to God or spiritually drifting away from God, I find a slow welling up of joy or a slow erosion occurs. I much prefer the joy vs the erosion.

What do I realize? A number of things. I am straddling the world with one foot in and the other straddling God. My conscious guides me but I am not heeding, and I believe I let the devil convince me what’s the harm? The drift is so subtle, and I find my second thoughts about my actions no longer creep in. I no longer give much of a second thought. This is troubling.

I also am choking in the thorns of this world. The stress of work is hard to ignore anymore. I now realize why Deming said management by objectives is so debilitating over time. There remains a fear of keeping my job, brought on by the firing from two jobs ago. I stress ensuring my son is getting a college education. I stress financially supporting my wonderful wife. I stress way more about money than the past. Thankfully, we continue giving even in the midst of this stress.

I also realize being married and learning how to spiritually lead is difficult. My instinct is spending time on my own with Christ. However, I have a house where there is no privacy or alone time. I now understand what Paul meant when he cautioned those who are married will be conflicted with worries of the world. Those who are single have a freedom those who are married do not have. Before I considered marriage, I wrestled with this passage from Paul. My friend David knows because of our many discussions. In particular my lust needing a healthy outlet. Not a sole reason for getting married but alas playing a part when I read the Word. Do I regret marriage? Absolutely not. But I do miss the alone time with Christ. Somehow my wife and I must learn how we approach as Savior as one.

Of this I grieve. There is not much spiritual fruit in me. I feel as if I am becoming more of a caricature of my former self. This is simply seed spread on stony ground. There is not much dirt for the roots to take hold. I hang on former moments versus living joyfully in the present and letting the Spirit guide me in doing glory for God.