God's Initiative

3/5/12…Over several years, I recorded a number of instrumental tracks. This was my last one. I recorded this with my PRS guitar and Cakewalk Guitar Tracks Pro 3 software. Except for the drums, all sounds are with my guitar or guitar effects pedals linked through an M-Audio interface to a computer.

The song's title and spiritual theme weave around the words, will and initiative. When I am closest to Him, I seek His will, not mine own. These times I savor. Why, because I can sense His initiative in my life, somehow guiding me through his Spirit, which in turn seems to bring about the most good that truly glorifies the One I love. Enjoy...

To listen to God's Initiative, click play:

photo by Greg P.

Unconditional Love is NOT Compromise

2/6/12…I recently wrote regarding marriage not being a compromise. So many people in my life have reiterated marriage is about compromising or finding some common ground to what the other person wants. The thing is; I still disagree with this statement. In compromise, each person loses. No one wins. Indeed, I still believe passion does not exist in compromise.

Marriage is NOT compromise. Some would say unconditional love is also equated to compromising; i.e. give up something of yourself in order to love someone else unconditionally. And yet if I let this thought ruminate in the recesses of my mind, I cannot help but also think unconditional love is NOT compromise. Unconditional love is about giving up something of ourselves without any expectation of anything in return. It is the purest form of love, especially when done to others who actually despise you or are indifferent to you.

The only way to love unconditionally is to have passion. When I begin compromising is when I lose passion. When I lose passion is when I lose the ability to love unconditionally. Why? Because my mind is telling me I am losing something. 

In my life, Christ has been the only one to ever stir passion within me. What I now fight as a husband is this incorrect thinking of compromising in order to make my wife happy. Compromising eventually leads to a deadening of love. Passion soon leaves. The façade becomes exhausting. 

The only hope is stirring my passion for Christ in all seasons. 

A Message to My Son

1/15/12…I came across a verse in Deuteronomy regarding marriage. Strangely, the verse seemed out of place and came out of nowhere. Oh how I wished someone had told me about it when I first remarried;

24:5 When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken.

My first year of marriage at times became a struggle regarding what God would have me do next, or more importantly how to start leading us both. I was at times not content, nor focused on the happiness of my wife. Instead I was always looking to the future. If I had come across this verse or had someone tell me about it, I think my whole outlook would have changed.

I would have rested in the fact that making my wife happy in the first year of marriage glorifies God.

Slowing Down

1/3/12…Creativity does not seem to glorify God as much in the moment as it does over time. Those who toiled for glory, like the apostle Paul, did not receive the glory of their creations in the moment. When Paul wrote the epistles, surely he never imagined the impact of his words. And not just within the confines of the Roman Empire, but the entire world. The Bible, with Paul’s writing, is the best-selling book of all time. He did not set out writing letters that would touch into the billions across time. Instead of laying in prison and wondering why God placed him there, he hand wrote the Spirit inspired beautiful epistles. Indeed, if God had not slowed Paul down and put him in a place where he had time to do this, maybe the epistles would not have been written.

One never knows how God will use what we create. Indeed, one never knows how God will use us…when He slows us down.

Marriage Part 2

12/29/11…And now my Lord, I glorify You because I believe your Holy Spirit has placed a thought in my mind. I believe all the meditations and studying of Your Word allows this to happen. At the most inopportune times, a prompting of remembrance occurs in Your scripture. I quickly turn the pages and I find the precious words. I take solace in knowing I can see these words with my eyes and I can touch your Word with my fingers. Sometimes I need this.

So how do we, my wife and I as newly married people, approach You and utter the words, “we are all in”. What happens if my wife and I are on different pages? What if she is not ready to utter these words and I am? What do I do? What do we do? And now Father, I feel in Your graciousness, You have provided me with a mustard seed of knowledge. I hope what I write reflects this but I do not know. 

Based on your Word, I believe I understand the sanctity of marriage a little more and how You view just how important it is. In Your passage in Matthew, You mention the possibility of causing division among those closest to us: a father, a son, a mother, and a daughter. You even mention mother-in-law and daughter-in-law knowing in marriage the extension includes the in-law. Now my thoughts roam to this realization. You make no mention of husband and wife. You do not say I will set a husband against his wife, and a wife against her husband. You do not say anyone who loves wife or husband above me is not worthy of following Me. The reason being I think is this. You consider husband and wife as one. Therefore there is no reason to mention this because there are no longer two people. You view us both as one.

Therefore, my wife and I should take comfort in knowing You will ask nothing of us that will cause division of us, because we are one in Your name. Doing good to glorify You does not mean setting each of us against the other, it means following You in one accord. I made a decision to serve You through the sanctity of marriage versus a single. You take this promise seriously and You honor this promise seriously. Seems so obvious, but I wonder how obvious the reality of this really is.

Christ, my Lord, I ask that Your will be done in our marriage that allows us to do good and glorify You. I thank you for Your patience. I thank you for Your Word. If what I wrote is not of You, then I pray the words will fall to the ground.

And now, the journey continues…

Marriage Part 1

12/29/11…

Christ speaks in Matthew:

34 “Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. 35 For I have come to ‘set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’; 36 and ‘a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.’ 37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. 38 And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. 39 He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.

Christ, my Lord, the relationships you mention above are the closest ones we have in a family: a father, a son, a mother, and a daughter. My Lord you know my desire to be all in for you once again, to indeed love you with all my heart, soul, and mind. And yet over this last year I have had difficulty figuring out how to do this within my marriage. As a single person, it was so easy to spend time with You whenever I wanted, and no distractions of anyone were around. I could spend 10 minutes with You or hours with You. I loved the freedom in being able to do this. But now in marriage I find this is not so easy to do. Maybe this is what Paul meant when he let me know as a single person it would be much easier to directly serve You, but in marriage, a new dynamic happens between us. I must love my wife as You loved the church. To do this means bringing glory to Your name. However, how did You love the church? What are the real depths of this meaning? How can I view doing good for my wife as glorifying You, and not be tempted to be looking outward more first, as if nothing counts unless doing good happens outside the home. Ah, I see once again, a paradigm shift must occur. Slowly I have felt You working in me in regards to this matter, and it seems as in all seasons, You seem to be patient. Your patience gives me time to come to realizations, and You insert thoughts here and there, and cross my paths with circumstances all at the right time until You guide my soul accordingly.

I hope I am close.

Deuteronomy Grace

10/13/11…In the early parts of Deuteronomy, Moses speaks of God’s anger, God’s wrath and God’s jealousy because of the Israelites sin. My thoughts continue plaguing me knowing how much of a sinner I am. I am no better than the Israelites. Even when I know the commandments and acknowledge His presence, there are times when I willfully sin. During these times, I sometimes wonder, where is my respect or even fear of my Lord?

At times, God smited the Israelites because of their willful sins. And I ask myself, would God smite me for my willful sins? I know the answer is yes He can…and yet, like the Israelites, I find my only saving grace are the words written by Moses in Deuteronomy 4;

When you…do evil in the sight of the Lord your God to provoke Him to anger, I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day, that you will soon utterly perish from the land which you cross over the Jordan to possess; you will not prolong your days in it, but will be utterly destroyed. And the Lord will scatter you among the peoples, and you will be left few in number among the nations where the Lord will drive you. And there you will serve gods, the work of men’s hands, wood and stone, which neither see nor hear nor eat nor smell. 

But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress, and all these things come upon you in the latter days, when you turn to the Lord your God and obey His voice (for the Lord your God is a merciful God), He will not forsake you nor destroy you…

Indeed…grace is in the Old Testament. Grace is in Deuteronomy.

An Australian Question…

9/19/11…Are you a Christian? This question continues haunting me. I was not ready for it, I stumbled in my response, and I now regret my lack of preparation for such a life-changing question such as this. A co-worker in Adelaide, Australia asked this question of me over dinner with another co-worker. Over time I have prayed to God to help me be in the moment and witness to someone when the time presented itself. Sadly, I believe due to my spiritual loss of intimacy with my Father during this season, I was not prepared.

Despite my lack of preparation, I did give a response. I bowed my head and admitted I was a very flawed Christian. Not much of an answer, although how true it is.

I now wish this is the answer I had given: 

“Humbly I offer you this answer. The word Christian has so many different connotations that I hesitate to say I am. If by Christian you mean someone who realizes how flawed they really are, then I am. If by Christian you mean someone who is trying to learn to love others whom sometimes do not want to be loved, then I am. If by chance you mean someone who is struggling to try and give away all their excess money and possessions and against all reason do this against what the entire world would tell me not to do, then I am. If by Christian you mean someone who is holding onto hope that there is a better world than this, then I am. This hope is the only thing that satisfies my soul because I have chased all this world has to offer and in the end, there is no comparing the hollowness the world offers versus the inherent joy Christ offers.

To be a follower of the Way is the most difficult and paradoxical journey of my life. There is nothing easy about declaring myself a Christ follower, and only by Grace am I even able to make such a proclamation. What I do know is this. This world only brings me temporary happiness and contentment. Eventually I am always left aching for something more. Always something more.

But oh, how following my Lord brings such lasting joy to my spirit! When I read the Bible in its entirety, I find the beauty of God undeniable. Although my mind still longs for answers to all my questions, my soul is letting go of the need to know. And what I have come to believe, because in the end it is a matter of faith, is I was meant for more than just living in this broken world and then dying. I also have concluded millions upon millions of people before me have come to the same conclusion, including a number of brilliant scholars and scientists. Surely all of us cannot be so wrong.

By the grace of God, yes I am a Christian, but I am working out what this journey of the Way means…with fear and with trembling.”

Numbers

9/15/11…Oh Father, as I read Your Word in Numbers I pray for your Spirit to speak to me if it is Your will. What impresses upon me as I close my eyes and reflect on the first fifteen chapters is this. You become angered and hurt when Your people complain, doubt, or become disobedient. After two years in the Wilderness of Sinai and then Paran, forgetfulness creeps in, a wish for more creeps in, and soon they forget all the miracles You performed for them. Every day they see the cloud above the tabernacle and every night they see the fire above the tabernacle guiding them. Surely they know it is You. But alas even Your presence among them does not satisfy. I am sure You must wonder why. What else can You do if even Your presence is rejected by Your people in complaints, doubt, and disobedience. And I find my life is much the same. Oh Father! Let me fear You, let me respect You as a man’s soul desires respect, and let me not complain, doubt, or continually be disobedient to Your guidance.

Caleb and Joshua had faith in You. And You blessed them. Not because they were after a reward, but because they had faith in Your promises and rose to speak up in Your name even when the people threatened to stone them. Oh what another lesson to learn from these two followers of the Way.

Nothing pollinates my soul like…

9/12/11…Father, I praise You for Your Word and how Your Word nourishes me. I just want to read and study and not be worried by the toil this world requires. Oh how sweet it is to gain knowledge and know the Spirit of Your truth speaks to the depth of my soul.

In Leviticus 26, I come across a passage which speaks of Your soul and I am immediately struck by this. Twice, You say “My soul”. Is the soul within me a tiny sliver of the soul in You? Or is it more of a reflection? I am not sure but I am struck by the fact You make reference to Your soul. Somehow I feel closer to You knowing this. Knowing I may contain even the tiniest sliver of the glory that is You uplifts me. Maybe this is what Christ in me means. A piece of You is in me, even amongst the evilness and selfishness wanting to dominate this human form of mine. My body continually desires things of this world and I continually fight against this. However, the only cure is daily, daily, daily nourishment in You. I can’t go a day without Your word without my soul withering. Truly the Bible is the Holy Spirit’s inspired words of truth pollinating me.

Nothing pollinates my soul like You.

Grace Abounds in Leviticus

9/8/11…Some interesting thoughts while finishing the Book of Leviticus. When I read these verses, this is what came to mind…

26: 1-13 
God’s promises of life if the Israelites follow in His statutes and commandments.

26: 14-39
God’s judgment and punishment against the Israelites if they do not. Only thirteen verses pertaining to the promises, twenty-five verses pertaining to our Father’s condemnation.

26: 40-45
God’s forgiveness if the drift occurs, if iniquity is confessed with a humble and contrite spirit. But also, accepting the guilt and possible consequences.

Already early in the Bible, our Father foreshadows the fall of man, indeed the fall of me. I feel Life flowing through me when I am meditating on God’s word day and night. I feel his Spirit within guiding me all of my days. I feel Christ as close to me as a friend. And then…and then I forget. I turn to those things not life giving. Why?! This question burns my soul. Why when I have experienced the Light, will I continually seem to want to turn from it, and instead quench my own selfish desires? And yet, when I confess, my Father welcomes me back, even though there are consequences. But He forgives! In Leviticus, He is already telling me He forgives, if I just swallow my pride, humble myself and confess.

Indeed, Grace abounds in Leviticus.

Leviticus Verses

9/6/11…

Leviticus 23: 29
And when you offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the Lord, offer it of your own free will.

Leviticus 25: 23
The land shall not be sold permanently, for the land is Mine; for you are strangers and sojourners with Me.

John Ellis

6/24/11…As I continue reading Leviticus, albeit after a two month interlude, I am continually struck by the tediousness of God’s commands for Israel. Part of me wants to give up because extracting any kernel of knowledge from this book is an exercise in patience. But then again, part of me is hopeful, just knowing how much I learned already from these dusty old Pentateuch Books. Sometimes learning is like panning for gold. The thing is, there is no guarantee. I press on because I know only God brings any lasting meaning or joy to my life. Lately, I often wonder why I run so much from Him when I know this realization.

I think of John Ellis, formerly of the Christian band, Tree 63. Recently I read an interview with him. Ellis was the driving force and lyricist behind the band. After years of album releases and an unrelenting tour schedule, John called it quits, not just from the band, but as he said from American Christianity. He became worn down in his walk, possibly from experiencing such things as hypocrisy, legalism, and criticism. He returned to his native land in South Africa. From his interviews and reading his blog, entitled Rants and Raves of a Restless Native, I gathered he wrestled with his experience in the States. Today I read something written by him which connected. John wrote how it is difficult to play his earlier music because as he wrote, the lyrics reflected his spirituality at the time, almost embarrassingly so. I know when I listen to his earlier work in Tree63, Ellis seemed to have an unabashed love affair with Christ. I can really sense someone who loved God with all their heart, mind, and soul, much like me just three short years ago. Indeed, reading his lyrics at face value somehow reminds me of a child. I think of children and how they typically love with few questions asked. Not only are children naïve to the fallen world, they typically are not worn down by years of living in the despair of this world or even in a divisive Christian world. Although John admits he still plays his earlier work, the reason he provides is ensuring he is connecting with his fan base, not for worship.

I know in my heart I love God, and I believe in Christ. But I also know this journey I am on, which I believe is a journey of the Way, is fraught with peril. Callouses envelope me, mostly due to myself. This saddens me. The deeper I let the callousness affect me, the harder it is to return with passion and joy; indeed the harder it seems to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind.

And so as I read Leviticus today, I drew the following parallel. God or should I say Christ, which is an interesting thought, explains in detail to Moses what He considers unclean, and if his people expose themselves to uncleanness, God explains what they are supposed to do to become clean. Ad nausea, this continues chapter after chapter. As I read these passages, I asked God to speak to me if He so desired. Here is the thought I came away with:

            Holiness cannot attach itself to uncleanness. 

Hmmm…what does holy mean? I suppose holy in this context means love is so pure it cannot attach itself to anything selfish or evil. Goodness by definition cannot exist with selfishness or wickedness. Therefore, if God is by definition the purest form of goodness, then it stands to reason my uncleanness drives me away from goodness. And this is why I need Grace, to cover why I cannot be good consistently. However, my pride creeps in and does not want to admit for the thousandth time I failed again. Nor does my pride want to do those things before God in order to rid myself of uncleanness. If I follow Leviticus, then getting rid of uncleanness is clear, especially in the realm of animal sacrifices. Sometimes though, I think I would need a million bulls to cover all my uncleanness. Gratefully, Christ offers Grace. Still, I feel ashamed because of my continuing failures to become holy. Even though I realize true holiness is not possible, for God I want to rid myself entirely of sin. Unfortunately, my wash cycle is habitually stuck on stuck.

This realization at times, drives me further from God, and in some way this is how I connected with John Ellis. I wonder if he is trapped in the same cycle. I wonder if we return to our embarrassing admissions of love to our God, will our childlike wonder return?

           

In the darkest night of the desert

In the deepest hole of the valley

My soul, my soul clings to You

My soul, my soul clings to You

In the freezing chill of winter

In the furnace of Your fire

My soul, my soul clings to You

My soul, my soul clings to You

Tree63

Leviticus: A Sweet Aroma

5/4/11…Oh Father, I write these words to You. The times I drift away are the times I feel most disconnected. I sometimes wonder why the selfishness in me keeps me away from You. I sometimes wonder why the thoughts of this world keep me preoccupied from You. Just a few months ago You revealed such wonderful truths to me from Your Word and these truths energized me. I never knew the old dusty book of Exodus could reveal such depth. But then once again, my human frailty distracted me. This time with sickness. Not just once, but twice and all of a sudden I found myself drifting. I sometimes wonder if Satan afflicts me in order to keep me away from You or is this a test given by You to discern my resolve? What I do know is this. After attending a worship service for the first time in weeks and returning to Your Word these last three days has me thirsting once again for You. You are the only one who can bring peace, contentment, and joy in my soul. There is a yearning to follow and to strive for truth in You. I cannot escape it, no matter how often I drift. Now once again I come home from work and I am eager to open Your Word. I turn the pages of Leviticus, and like a child, I discover the wonder of these words…

 

Leviticus 1:17 It is a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by fire, a sweet aroma to the Lord.

 

Ephesians 5:1-2 Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering, and a sacrifice to God for a sweet smelling aroma.

 

Leviticus, another old dusty book near the beginning of the Bible. A book steeped in tediousness if one chooses to read every word. And yet once again, as in Exodus, I find opening the old dusty book of Leviticus offers a fresh connection I never realized before. I ask my Father to open my eyes. I read the first seven chapters, and the words, “a sweet aroma” jump off the pages. Over and over these words come up as Moses dictates protocol of offerings and sacrifices. All end with the words, a sweet aroma.

 

Then my mind or maybe my Father directs my mind to Ephesians 5:1-2, a passage my dear friend Pam gave to me a long time ago in a land far away. And years later, alas I connect the words from the New to the Old Testament.

 

Indeed, Leviticus…a sweet aroma.

This post dedicated to my dear sister in Christ, Pam.

Exodus and Tediousness

3/8/11…I just finished reading Exodus. I pray my Father may enlighten me if He wills. Minutes later, as I seek to ponder the words written in this book by Moses, I make note of the following themes;

            A cry out by the people of God and the birth of Moses
            The consuming plagues
            The subsequent exodus
            The creation of the Ten Commandments atop Mt. Sinai
            The building of the Tabernacle and the Ark of the Covenant

The last theme peaks my interest. I realize half the book of Exodus describes the precise instructions regarding the building of the Tabernacle and the Ark of the Covenant. This precision was so intense I found myself reading through these passages quickly because of the tediousness. But wait. Let me pause. Let me reflect on why the descriptions are so tedious. What I soon realize is a good portion of the tediousness is written by Moses and he is directly quoting Your words Father.

So what does this mean? What might You be saying Father? If I stop and take more than a moment to reflect, there is a great opportunity to learn more of who You are. After all, direct quotes attributed to You should cause me to pause and ask You humbly for deeper enlightenment. Oh, how exciting it is to have this opportunity. Indeed, how often do I really get this opportunity? So I start. I first ask myself what words come to my mind throughout Your exhaustive quotations in Exodus. These are the words coming into my mind, and I wonder if You are speaking to me;

            Exactness

            Attention to detail
            Consequences
            Artistic beauty
            Creating

As I ponder these words, I am struck by how these words not only apply to the Tabernacle and the Ark of the Covenant, but also in how You created nature. “Exactness” is written all over your creation. Equally so is “attention to detail.” It is so clear how life and nature are so interwoven even down to the micro-organisms. I also marvel at how “consequences” seem to occur in nature when the laws are compromised. In a sense, adjustments occur in nature to bring back balance. There is an exactness here and an attention to detail that is indeed hard to deny. And furthermore Father, how can anyone deny the “artistic beauty” all around us from the smallest daisy by the roadside to the balds of Carver Gap? Artistic beauty surrounds us everywhere we look. Indeed I see beauty in my wife every day. Last of all, the word “creating” comes to mind. Of course. All around us creating is going on, day in and day out. Nature creates. Man creates. Creating is constantly occurring around our globe at every hour and every minute. It permeates us and it permeates nature everywhere. I feel I am understating the breadth of this revelation. Beyond our globe, I think of the universe. At any given second, there may not be a number to contain the amount of creating going on within God’s universe. It is constant.

…

Now what does this say about me Father? Does this mean I was created in the same way; with exactness, with attention to detail, with consequences when I deviate from the path, with beauty, and with an innate sense to create?

Somehow the tediousness of Exodus does not seem so tedious anymore. Instead…the words seem so beautiful to me.