San Andreas Fault

5/12/10…Father, I realize us is in a fracture. There is a divide expanding as wide as the San Andreas Fault. My hope is in a vacuum which seems devoid of direction. Maybe through your Spirit I will somehow stumble out of this season. I sure wonder why I am in it. You gave me my heart when I went to Mississippi. I wrote a book, I served You in a way I never could have imagined, and I met my future wife. A door then opened allowing me to be near my son, near my friends, and in the area of the country where I experience Your beauty every day. And yet, I lost You along the way. Of course the fault is mine, and I am perplexed why. Why after all these blessings am I not seeking you in passionate pursuit like I once was. I am lukewarm approaching indifference.

You who search the heart and test the mind know. My initial passion grew when I realized I needed to do nothing for Your love but accept it. There was no striving. There was no guilt. There was only forgiveness and a beckoning back to You once again. Out of this grew Your love and then Your love began manifesting itself in the acts I did for others and in how I sought You out. The more I cried out to You to show me Your heart, the more You responded. So much so, I soon realized my unworthiness. The love You represent is a love I am afraid I can never meet. I feel I tried and I feel I failed. So now what. I feel I am repeating part of my life again where passion for You was replaced with the daily grind of life void of true meaning.

To reverse this, I simply need to open your Word and begin reading. I need to pray and praise You. So easy to do and yet I find I am busying myself with activity to avoid You. Again, why? We are indeed wicked in our hearts and I sometimes wonder what hope there is for any of us. We are so selfish. It is our bent. But selfish and You do not go together.

So I am on this air flight from Lehigh with these thoughts. I thank You for Your blessings of which I must admit I am not sure if You are in it or not. As my friend David and I say, we just don’t know. It is our humility before You. We know nothing and are nothing.