Criticize

5/30/10…Donald Miller, a writer, made an interesting comment on his blog. As he opened himself up to others as a writer, critics would freely offer their opinions, sometimes in a very negative way. His intentions were pure, or at least as pure as a human can make them. After all, Jeremiah reminds us how wicked our heart is and we cannot know its ways. Nevertheless we are supposed to give of ourselves as best we can.

Miller decided to offer his talents through writing. However, as he became more famous, the critics came out of the woodworks. The criticism leveled by these people who did not know him troubled him quite a bit on occasion. Finally, he came to a realization that sharing his faith and his thoughts on the imperfect journey he was on is going to lead to criticism. Sometimes the criticism will be good, sometimes bad, and sometimes criticism is a front for a hidden agenda.

In his mind Miller reconciled himself to the following; if he is trying to do God’s work to God’s glory, and indeed God is using him, then the appearance of critics is a good thing because it affirms he is doing the right thing.

A Buttercup

5/30/10…A field of yellow buttercups dots the mountain side as I gaze up towards the sky. My life will soon change as I am now engaged to Melody. Clouds of cotton peek above the mountain. Thoughts wonder in random meaning across my mind. Loneliness is a part of me. Some say I am introverted as I enjoy my own company. And yet I also know the aching aloneness when returning from a soul nourishing mountain experience. My soul never feels more alive when sitting in the shade atop a mountain and feeling the invisible wind tingle my skin. My soul never feels more alone when returning from this experience, alone, with no one to come back to. I think this is what God knew about a man when he created a woman. Somehow God knew we needed someone in our life to share this earthly walk. Someone we can relate to. We cannot relate to God. To think otherwise would be the most prideful thought on our part. I love God, but I am unable to comprehend God.

So I thank you God for Melody, my soon to be wife. I look forward to the day when I come off the mountain and her arms are waiting to welcome me back…

San Andreas Fault

5/12/10…Father, I realize us is in a fracture. There is a divide expanding as wide as the San Andreas Fault. My hope is in a vacuum which seems devoid of direction. Maybe through your Spirit I will somehow stumble out of this season. I sure wonder why I am in it. You gave me my heart when I went to Mississippi. I wrote a book, I served You in a way I never could have imagined, and I met my future wife. A door then opened allowing me to be near my son, near my friends, and in the area of the country where I experience Your beauty every day. And yet, I lost You along the way. Of course the fault is mine, and I am perplexed why. Why after all these blessings am I not seeking you in passionate pursuit like I once was. I am lukewarm approaching indifference.

You who search the heart and test the mind know. My initial passion grew when I realized I needed to do nothing for Your love but accept it. There was no striving. There was no guilt. There was only forgiveness and a beckoning back to You once again. Out of this grew Your love and then Your love began manifesting itself in the acts I did for others and in how I sought You out. The more I cried out to You to show me Your heart, the more You responded. So much so, I soon realized my unworthiness. The love You represent is a love I am afraid I can never meet. I feel I tried and I feel I failed. So now what. I feel I am repeating part of my life again where passion for You was replaced with the daily grind of life void of true meaning.

To reverse this, I simply need to open your Word and begin reading. I need to pray and praise You. So easy to do and yet I find I am busying myself with activity to avoid You. Again, why? We are indeed wicked in our hearts and I sometimes wonder what hope there is for any of us. We are so selfish. It is our bent. But selfish and You do not go together.

So I am on this air flight from Lehigh with these thoughts. I thank You for Your blessings of which I must admit I am not sure if You are in it or not. As my friend David and I say, we just don’t know. It is our humility before You. We know nothing and are nothing.

Waking Dream

4/12/10…I think I just had my first ever “Waking Dream.” My friend would know what this means. The dream was so vivid, it woke me. Usually this does not happen. In fact, I can only recall this happening back when I was so intimate with God that every once in a while I felt a stirring in me to wake up because He had something to say. This time, I am not sure. However, I believe only good can come out of this so maybe God was involved. So here I am writing at 4:05am, but only after going to my knees in utter humility and confessing what needed to be confessed and talking with Him.

Most people who know me know I never remember dreams. This time is different. My dream was about friends, whom I could not recognize, waiting on the hour of rapture. For some reason they knew the time and they were waiting along with me at some appointed destination atop a building, or on a hill, or as in most dreams I am not sure because landscapes seem to fade in and out. But as the hour closed in at this appointed location, I decide I am thirsty. I decide to take a risk at 12 minutes til rapture and quickly hop in my car to go to a convenience store. When I arrive, I find there is not much to choose from but I do find some sort of Milky Way twinkie (pretty vivid huh), and something to drink but the clock is ticking. Suddenly I think to myself, what am I doing? I am going to risk my eternity on getting a candy bar twinkie and a drink. What if something happens here and I cannot make it back? There could be a robber that comes in to rob and he takes us all hostage. Or there could be a car accident on the way back. Or a thousand other things. Was my soul really worth taking this risk?

As I reflect on this, I realize I just had a beautiful collision. My friend would also understand what this means. The thing is, I was not only asking myself was my soul really worth taking this risk, but I also realized…there was only emptiness in this risk.

At this point in the dream, the rapture has now occurred. I am in a house and I look outside and cars are strewn everywhere with no one in them. I now realize I am alone. Everything feels empty and hollow…and so lonely. As I mentioned before, landscapes evolve suddenly in dreams. I remember suddenly going from one landscape with Jesus or maybe Jesus in me, not sure which, and walking around a warehouse. There are people and there is nothing but hatred, and they come over and begin wailing on me. But I do not fight back. This happens over and over again. The despair of the lost attack me, but somehow through this they soon realize it is Jesus. Again the dream landscape at times seems like the person is me, then sometimes Jesus. It fades back and forth from this. Towards the end of the dream, those thugs realize it is Jesus and suddenly their thuggish attitude changes to humility and sorrow and yearning to follow Him. And yet Jesus keeps walking, and though He has compassion for them He offers no reconciliation for their souls. They watch as He walks away and they remain. Their souls are lost because they made their decision long ago.

The End.

Seeking Treasure

1/04/10...I have a friend. This friend has been on my mind alot lately. Not sure why, and to some extent I know why. I know this. Life is short and life is fleeting in this world. Anything we do, if not done for the glory of God, seems to be a waste of time. After all, once we die, it is all in vanity unless there is a treasure awaiting us in heaven. And yet our primary motivation can only be to love God with all our heart. To seek the treasure in heaven without God is a disconnect. We must love Him first before we serve Him or else I am afraid it is all in vain.

So why am I writing about this? Well, I must confess over these last 4-5 months, I have had some difficulties in my relationship with God. I am having a hard time understanding how to balance living in this world and the next. Maybe it is because I do not want to let go of this world totally. And yet I have to live here. I have to work here. Life is here and life is now. There is no escaping this fact. In some ways, I feel like hanging on to the world and still pursuing the nice car, the nice house, good vacations, and creature comforts. Even though I have sacrificed a great deal financially over these last three years, I can't say it has given me peace. I am glad I did it. Each time I have done it, I have felt joy but the joy fades. But now I feel I am approaching a crossroads of sorts, the like of which I really don't know what to do, or maybe I do not want to admit what I should do.

God gives us free will in everything we do. This much I am learning. The hard part is there is no guarantee that everything will turn out right, even when you are doing it for God's glory. Sometimes it does, sometimes it does not. The does not part is the one that is sort of discouraging.

Maybe We Should Fall in Love

1/01/10… “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12. Oh, Father, I will tell you I used to claim this passage not too long ago as I hung on. My hanging on deeply trusted you and there was no doubt. My hope was deferred. My heart was sick. However, there was joy in my serving the poor and oppressed and it seemed my life was rising above itself. Then it all started to come crashing down. I could no longer see a longing fulfilled. I could no longer see a tree of life. I lost hope.

And now I feel guilty. To think, there is a chance of moving back near my son, back to your beauty in nature, and back to dear friends. If only I had held on to the hope. But Father, I held on for sooooo long without giving up. But I just couldn’t hold on anymore. I was weak when my hope in You should have been stronger. And now I know everything will be ok, even if I do not land this job in Chilhowie. Something else will occur. I just need to hold onto hope. But it goes deeper than this. Like all relationships, they ebb and flow. You made us in Your image, so our life mimics what You want from us. You want my love, but somehow I have fallen out of love with You. It happens. And I think to myself…

Maybe, once again, we should fall in love…

No (You)

No me

(LORD) only we

Melt like sugar

Into black coffee

Our race is run

Our chase is done

No longer may we flee

Maybe we should fall in Love

So it's official now

There's nothing we can do

Now (You're) a part of me and I'm a part of (You)

And we can see how (One) and one makes more than two

Maybe we should fall in Love

Maybe We Should Fall in Love, by Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers

Hurt

12/30/09…I have a friend. Actually he is more than a friend, he is my blood brother. He is a kindred spirit in the artistic and spiritual realm. What I am beginning to realize in this short life is one does not come across friends like this very often; ones who can listen without judging, ones who can empathize. An actual man who is not scared to open up and talk about their deep fears, hurts, and even failures. I have to say in my entire lifetime, he is my closest friend I have ever had in this regard. I cherish him and I do not take his friendship for granted. Distance may separate us, but my love for him does not. Does that creep you out for me to say that? I hope not.

My friend is hurting. That may be the most understated thing I have ever written. What does my friend do with a love that has been pent up inside for so long awaiting a woman to accept? At times, he thinks he knows who the right woman may be only to see it come crashing down like the Twin Towers in New York, literally. It feels like I am verbalizing too much melodrama right now, but that is what hurt feels like in the moment. It is hard to see the other side. We don’t even want to see the other side. We want to wallow in the hurt. I find it amazing how God has made us to embrace hurt like this because we cannot heal if we do not. We want to hurt. We want to lash out in anguish, cry tears of despair and lost hope, and withdraw ourselves from others. It is the only way to heal.

What does my friend do with this love that seemingly is never accepted by a woman? All he wants is a chance. That is all. Just a chance. Nothing more. Is that really asking for too much…God? Our Father, you have made us for relationship, so why is it so hard.

For my friend, I want to give him some “canned” advice like, “It is going to be ok, time heals” or better yet, “There are other fish in the sea” or how about this gem, “It is better to be single than married, at least according to the apostle Paul.” I suppose if someone told me these sayings, I might punch them in the face. After all, how could I know how my friend feels? I don’t. I have never lived the exact life he has lived. Therefore how would I know. I think that is the problem with “canned” advice, it is so “canned.”

I have to tell you, I feel depressed since finding out the news from my friend. Maybe a year ago, I would have dismissed it a little. But over time, as our friendship has grown, I honestly ache for his heart. I feel his hurt, not because I understand it, but because he is my friend.