My son...

1/31/09…My son is growing up before my eyes. Since High School started, he is different. And me, I have to face the fact that this is the fact. He is becoming a man. He needs me, but he does not need me in the same way. In fact, I remember not too long ago where his world revolved around me or at least it seemed that way. It did not matter what we did as long as we did it together. I remember all the times before bedtime he would come lay with me on the couch and rest his little head on my chest, listening to my heartbeat lulling him to sleep. Oh Father! Thank you for those times, and thank you for blessing me with him. But now our relationship is evolving and changing. I am still unsure how to relate to him, and yet in Your divine design of our lives, You designed it this way. In order for him to become an adult, he must exert his independence, and I must change with him. Not only must I change but I must embrace him becoming a man, even though part of me wants to hold onto those times I could fit his entire body between my hand and forearm.

More importantly Father, help me understand how to spiritually be there for him and continue to show Your glory and who You are to him. I pray for your guidance and protection, and Your revealing Yourself to my son. I pray You may help him learn from his mistakes, his detours, and his dead ends. And in the end what I pray the most for is my son’s soul, that You may show him how wonderfully worthy You are for him to follow all of his days.

Incest

1/30/09… “I felt so dirty,” she said to me. She reflects on this after the sickening truth is revealed to her just months ago between her grandfather and mother. I look at her and see a 30-year old woman in a kamikaze dive struggling to pull the nose of the plane up. What words can I offer her, none. All I can do is listen and embrace her, for I have nothing else to give. This is a horror of which there are very few comparisons. “Learn to function in the dysfunction,” is the advice given to her by a therapist, and yet it seems so cold and detached to me. How do you tell someone this? To learn to function in the dysfunction. In this world of pain Father, You are the function, because there is no laundry detergent known to a human being to wash a stain such as this, especially when your living body is a constant reminder. I can only imagine how Satan relishes in this, knowing at any time, he can simply suggest with a subtle hint the worst possible thought and send her into a tailspin. Yet You are her hope. In You lies peace and rest, because is it not true, through the pain is Your redemption in all life. The worst possible nightmares become the greatest testimonies in Your hands, and in turn this speaks of the marvelous Light that You are.

At times it is hard for us to understand Your ways, so it says so in Isaiah…why would You allow such pain in this world? And yet we will never know the full answer to this question, but Father one thing is for sure, I do know our pain becomes the avenue to help others in this world and in turn completes the healing process. I have seen this realization in my life…and for her, oh Father, I pray for Your continued healing in her life. Let her see the beauty both You and I see in her. Let her lay the pain down at Your feet. When the time is right because indeed it may take many years, but when that time comes and against all impossibility, let her forgive those who have trespassed against her…

Haiku: The Only Hope

Sunflower petal

Water pours down from the Son

Washes away stain

Part 11 of 18: To Connect

1/30/09…As evening ends and the cold chill sets in, the dew in the night lays its head on the works of man. Shortly the dew will turn into a blanket of frost over the streets of Jackson. After our visitation, we head back to Clinton in our white Chevy church van. Inside sits DeWayne and Monica. Earlier in the evening I called out to them by name and DeWayne said, “Finally, someone remembers our name.” This catches me a little bit by surprise. Indeed one of the most important things one can do when serving on the streets is remembering their names. Over and over when I recognize someone and say hey to them by name, they warm up to me instantly.

We are giving DeWayne and Monica a ride back to what I would loosely call their “house.” There is no electricity, therefore no heat. I see them get out of our van, walk across their unkempt yard, and open the door. As our van turns around and passes by I see DeWayne lighting a candle inside. Monica says her pregnancy is coming along fine although I do not get many details because she is very quiet. As for DeWayne, he puts on a macho front at the Opportunity Center, but it is clear when he is away from this environment, his demeanor changes from machismo to one resembling a scared little boy. On the streets, I suppose he has to survive by putting on his macho act. I do wonder is there some way I can connect with him, yet it is difficult to do when he hardly says two words in response to a question. In some ways behind his tough exterior, he really is a scared little boy who is socially awkward in front of us.

And what strikes me beyond just DeWayne is the difficulty to connect. In all the conversations I have had; with Alma, with Faye, with Gussie, with Mark, and everyone else, it always seems to be one-sided, as in me listening. I know just being there to listen is so important because they need someone to unload on. I know they are hoping that somehow the sharing of their struggles will relieve the burden they carry on their backs but I so much, just once, want someone to ask me, “Why are you out here? Why are you doing this?” so I can tell them more about my Savior, and how He rescued me, and the peace and rest He has given me even amidst my own trials and struggles. Yet it has not happened thus far. Sometimes I ask if I can I pray for them and every time they always say yes, but I so much want to go further. However, to witness to them and maybe even see them surrender seems to me ineffective if I am not able to disciple them on this walk. As I have found out, surrendering your life to Christ is only the first step of a long journey of the soul. Without adequate support, and encouragement, and accountability, and constant nourishment, the soul is so susceptible to drift. And I realize here is what I need to understand; it is not about me. I simply need to have faith that God will take care of the details or show me how to proceed. The last thing I want Father is to bring someone to You and then wipe my hands clean, saying I have done my Christian duty, because I have not.

I pray You help me recognize opportunities. I pray You help me take more risk for souls. I pray You direct me and help me recognize that my prayer life needs strengthening for whatever task You have in store for me.

Part 10 of 18: Alma

1/30/09…Father, this past Wednesday I saw Alma. Thank you for her showing up. I had not seen her for over a month. One of the reasons we made a connection is come to find out both of us have a love for art. Over and over again she tells me about the new museum of art opening up downtown. I can’t help but think seeing the beauty of color on canvas is her escape from this world. She is an ex-con and she is currently living with a boyfriend Jamie whom she readily has told me is on crack. To look at Jamie, one would never know this. He is young and in shape; the crack addiction has yet to take its toll on his flesh. Quickly after exiting the van, I hastily make my way over to her. It was easy to spot her because she is so short. I laugh at this, she does too. We give each other a big hug and hello. I say hey to Julian, her friend. Months earlier he was telling me about trying to start a dry cleaning business but lacked the money. She proceeds to tell me about what is going on in her life and about Kimo (her ten year old son). The connection is good; I missed seeing her all these weeks. Yet I really worry about her. As I am talking to her I see Jamie across the street wondering around and ask her what is going on. She tells me he is high and looking to score a deal. I see him duck behind some bushes and vanish in between some houses. As she tells me this, you can hear the stress in her voice. Alma really desires to change her life but as an ex-con living with a crack addict, it seems the odds are stacked against her. I pray for her because I am not sure what else to do. Alma has never asked anything from me, clothing, money, or food, she just is there for my company so I try to provide as much comfort for her as I can.

She is also there to get her picture taken by Gerry, one of the street ministry team. Gerry is an amateur photographer who randomly takes pictures of the Jackson homeless and with their permission, posts them online http://gprintz.smugmug.com/Street-Scenes. Usually, he will show up the following week and hand out copies of the photos to the people he took pictures of. Some seem to get a real joy and kick from this. In particular, Alma is giddy as a school kid to get her picture taken and she always makes a point to find Gerry and ask for a memento. For her, I think seeing herself in a photo means she exists. It almost seems like she is crying out behind her smiles and laughter as if she is saying…remember me.

Postlude 12/7/10…In an email from Gerry, I learn Alma died. Sad cannot adequately describe how I felt when I read that email. I do not know if Alma made it to heaven, and I have serious doubts. Because of this I am feeling deep remorse. Here was Alma, a living breathing person with a soul. Someone who befriended me as much as I befriended her. Both of us coming from opposite worlds and yet somehow God provided an avenue for us to meet. Yes, I prayed with her several times, but was it truly enough? Was I truly convicted enough to make her understand every time she walked away at the end of the night, there was no other decision that was as important as giving her life to Christ? I hang my head when I realize I did not. And now Alma is gone.

Things Hoped For…

1/22/09…Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:13 talks of Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, and Sarah, and writes, “These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.” Father, help me see the truth in your Words. It is so difficult at times to follow You because I cannot see or touch You. It is so much easier to follow this world because I can see and touch it…yet where is the truth in this? Have I not learned the path of the world is one which leads to the metaphor of a rotted out log? On the outside it looks like a log, but on the inside it is devoid of living cells. Father, let faith be my substance, let it be my hope, and let it be my evidence of things not seen. Let me remember all of Your promises that You have shown me in Your Word. Indeed they are too many to count on my fingers. I have received them, but many of them I will never see while I am here on earth, and yet let me keep remembering that indeed I am a stranger here. I am a pilgrim. My house has no meaning, my possessions have no meaning, and my money has no meaning. I am a nomad on a place that at best is just a “blip” in time, a quick blink of Your eye…

Let me pursue You with passion, and let me surrender myself daily to You in order to do good and glorify Your name. There is no other meaning to life than this.

Would God Rather Clean Toilets?

1/21/09…Oh Father, how another truth is revealed to me. Sitting down at lunch and talking with a woman, Your nature shows itself upon my reflection. You want all of me do You not? If I am checked out or lukewarm towards You, then there is no relationship. Is this not true? If I am sitting there listening to her in an apathetic manner, she would pick up on this. To herself she would probably think, “This guy is not listening to me, what good is it for me to sit here and talk with him, to develop relationship. I would rather go home and clean the toilets.” Is this not true? Since a woman is a reflection of You, a reflection of relationship, what does this say about You when I am apathetic towards You? Would You not rather go clean the toilets? Why bother with me if I am checked out…

I must say this is an interesting lesson for me to learn. Our relationship is only as good as my commitment towards You. It all rests on my pursuit of You like a lover. Where there is no passion, there is only a lukewarm relationship…