God is Disappointed in You

12/5/08…There is a battle raging in me. The Holy Spirit has taken up arms. He intends to win. The closer I have drawn to my Lord, my Savior, my God, the more I have been attacked, in ways unimaginable to me. Who else but Satan would be involved in this lie told to me? A lie told by a person that cuts to the core when the words are, “God is disappointed in you.” Yes I know it is a lie, given to me by the father of all lies but the battle has raged for weeks on end. At first with me pretending the words did not cut deep…but then later, weeks later, I realized they reached the mark Satan had intended it to reach and all those demons from my teenage years and why I drifted resurfacing. So the Holy Spirit has taken up arms on behalf of me…for who else is fighting for me, when I have all but laid down my Bible for three weeks, and stopped praying, and stopped listening. It is a war of attrition in the spiritual realm I cannot see, or touch, or hear, but somehow I can feel. And every temptation thrown my way is presented so I can reinforce that I am a disappointment to God. And yet I know I am not, but how do I rid myself of this thought that has haunted me every single day for weeks on end. When I least expect it, it crosses my mind and I give in to a temptation versus going to my Father. But He has not forsaken me, instead He is fighting for me. He knows there is too much good, and too much glory, for Satan to win…

Tonight I feel stronger, I can feel the battle being waged inside my soul, and for the first time I can feel Him winning. And all the while God continues to show me where the true battlefront is…for those who are sleeping tonight on a concrete slab with cardboard as their bed. For Douglas who is huddled in his dented green car trying to keep warm. To Alma who is fresh out of prison, facing a son up for murder charges, and a daughter who has been raped. For Vanda who is unable to kick her drug habit. For Jamie who is a crack addict. For Priscilla who has HIV. For Byrd whose only request of me was for a winter coat to keep warm. These are the ones whom Satan is having his way with. So I know my Father has put on his armor, and He is in me fighting as a warrior to kick the father of all lies out of me once and for all…so He can use me to do good and glorify Him. For my God is strong enough to split boulders in two with the touch of His pinkie. My God breathes dust and spits it out creating a fire breathing Sun. My God sighs and smites the evil of nations. My God is a warrior who fights for His redeemed. With the palm of His hand, my God can press down Mount Everest into a pile of dust. Who are you Satan to fight my God!? My God will win because my God is a warrior fighting for me on my behalf and His Son has said to you, “Get thee behind me Satan!”