Why am I stuck in JOB?

9/16/2013…Oh my! I realize my last blog entry was so long ago. My head hangs. My gut expands and not in breath. I have sought comfort in things not of God because I am stuck. Seems my only instant gratification consisted of this world. Is it not true I am allowing the thorns of this world to choke me out?

Late last summer, I was breezing through the Old Testament at a moderate pace and then I came across Job. For three months, I could not get past this book. It was as if the Spirit in my mind said hold on, stop, embrace. My feeble attempts to move on resulted in unfocused study and rambling short prayers. And so I would go back to Job, read some, and then try to move on. I repeated this over and over to no avail. Unfortunately, no measure of peace in my mind allowed me to move on. And then, I stopped. Everything stopped. Fifteen months later, I now sit down and write words in hope of an answer.

This is my confession. In Job, God allowed Satan to take everything away from him. The writer responds, “in all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.” Further, Satan then infected Job with boils from head to toe. Job’s response, “Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” The writer adds, “…in all this Job did not sin with his lips.”

You may ask, what is my confession? It is this. If God took all away from me today, I fear I would not respond as Job did. After all God has done for me, I feel shame. I realize maybe I did not learn anything from my previous test in Mississippi. Almost two years into a move which raised me to new spiritual heights and yet pressed on me beyond what I thought I could handle, I charged God with questioning doubt and I sinned. I also feel I sinned with my lips to my Creator. And maybe this is why Job hits home so much. I can relate to parts of his story. Near the end of the Book of Job, God calls into question Job, and this could easily be me. God says, “Who is this who darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Now prepare yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer Me.” God goes on a rant, and I mean this in the best way, because this is what Job and myself need to hear. We are put in our place as creatures created by One who is under no obligation to explain rationale or reason. After all, we created nothing. In my feeble attempts, I only create these words because of the same challenge God gives to Job, “Who has put wisdom in the mind? Or who has given understanding to the heart?”

Of nothing I have done of my own accord. My best is nothing in God’s sight. And yet the paradox, is He wants me…all in. 

One Foot In, One Foot Out, One in My Mouth and One in the Thorns

5/14/13…Lately a realization is creeping in. Did drift happen overnight? No. Never seems to work this way. Whether spiritually growing closer to God or spiritually drifting away from God, I find a slow welling up of joy or a slow erosion occurs. I much prefer the joy vs the erosion.

What do I realize? A number of things. I am straddling the world with one foot in and the other straddling God. My conscious guides me but I am not heeding, and I believe I let the devil convince me what’s the harm? The drift is so subtle, and I find my second thoughts about my actions no longer creep in. I no longer give much of a second thought. This is troubling.

I also am choking in the thorns of this world. The stress of work is hard to ignore anymore. I now realize why Deming said management by objectives is so debilitating over time. There remains a fear of keeping my job, brought on by the firing from two jobs ago. I stress ensuring my son is getting a college education. I stress financially supporting my wonderful wife. I stress way more about money than the past. Thankfully, we continue giving even in the midst of this stress.

I also realize being married and learning how to spiritually lead is difficult. My instinct is spending time on my own with Christ. However, I have a house where there is no privacy or alone time. I now understand what Paul meant when he cautioned those who are married will be conflicted with worries of the world. Those who are single have a freedom those who are married do not have. Before I considered marriage, I wrestled with this passage from Paul. My friend David knows because of our many discussions. In particular my lust needing a healthy outlet. Not a sole reason for getting married but alas playing a part when I read the Word. Do I regret marriage? Absolutely not. But I do miss the alone time with Christ. Somehow my wife and I must learn how we approach as Savior as one.

Of this I grieve. There is not much spiritual fruit in me. I feel as if I am becoming more of a caricature of my former self. This is simply seed spread on stony ground. There is not much dirt for the roots to take hold. I hang on former moments versus living joyfully in the present and letting the Spirit guide me in doing glory for God.

Righteousness

7/28/12…Proverbs 10:3 The Lord will not allow the righteous soul to famish. Father, I seek a deeper meaning. This verse appears straightforward. Yet, I cannot move on. The words Solomon wrote intrigue me as if I am approaching a green traffic light turning yellow.

I go to the dictionary for added information. I learn a righteous person is concerned with principles of right and wrong or conforming to standards of behavior and character based on those principles. I immediately think of the word self-righteous. In fact when I hear the word righteous I actually seem to hear self-righteous. However self-righteous is this; confident of one’s own righteousness, especially when smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others. Hmmm…Self-righteous is when a righteous person crosses a line. The other word popping into my thoughts like buttered popcorn is legalism; the strict adherence or the principle of strict adherence, to law or prescription, especially to the letter rather than the spirit. I also learn famish in part means to anguish or to be weak or suffer.

As I juxtapose Proverbs 10:3, this is what I come up with; The Lord will not allow the soul of a person concerned with principles of right or wrong or one who conforms to standards of behavior and character of right and wrong to anguish or to be weak or suffer. My next thought on this sends me to the Beatitudes spoken by Jesus. Among them, blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled. As well, blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Father, I am driven to go further. I am so tired right now, but I am unable to stop. I look up the meaning of suffer, I look up the meaning of persecuted and I also acknowledge famish is about those who hunger. Where does the line of thought reach a sensible conclusion to give me rest in Your Word? How much further? I wait…

I let my mind think…

Some moments later, peripheral thoughts not quite coherent enter my mind. I am one whose tendency is to avoid conflict. I fear the accusation of self-righteousness. I fear legalism. These are things of the world, not on the above. I think I fear persecution. I may fear suffering. And yet when my posture loved You with all my heart, soul and mind I was willing to go to China and face arrest. There was no fear. Now, I am in comfort and sanctuary. Is this a time of rest You blessed me with? Or am I not moving because of…

Or do I move because of…?

Submission? Community? Openness? Confession? Meditation? Listening? Willingness? Enveloping? Engulfing? Wide Wonder? Love? Study? Pursuit? Worship? Music? Joy?

I shall write no more Lord with only the final thought. Is not humility the core of righteousness?

Scoffer

7/25/12…Before I am able to get past the first twelve chapters, I keep coming back to this verse in Proverbs, He who corrects a scoffer gets shame for himself. I am unable to get past these words. I look up scoffer and understand it to mean an expression of mockery, derision, doubt, or derisive scorn; jeer. I was not expecting the word doubt to appear within the definition.  Doubt is a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something. I look up the word shame but find nothing on a deeper level. Certainly I understand correcting a scoffer is fruitless. I ask God if there are any scoffers currently in my life or ones in my past. As I am sure there are, only one comes to mind, and this hits a little too close to home.

The part I am unable to process through is the shame. Why would correcting a scoffer bring shame? I understand a scoffer might mock in return, or express derision, maybe even jeer. There could be doubt expressed. But why would this bring shame on me? I would probably just dismiss this person, or choose never to reengage. Father, the true meaning of what Solomon wrote eludes me.

I fear the knowledge may only present itself when it occurs to me. After all, words in the Bible do not come to life until we live them in experience. However, this sounds like an experience I would rather avoid.

Abominations Postlude

7/25/12…A final thought or two on abominations (see previous entry). In my life, I always thought the word abomination meant stirring up anger or hatred towards something. Now I know there is another meaning.

I also must unexpectedly acknowledge the way I viewed the two men who seemed to sow discord amongst the brethren has changed. At first, I passed judgment on them, and their behavior really detested me. I questioned whether this church was even the right place for my wife and I. In my heart, I sinned against both of them with my self-righteousness. Indeed, my pride put myself above them. This sort of disgusts me, but alas this is my confession.

This is the surprising part. Later my feelings turned into despondency. This I did not expect. Then my despondency turned into compassion for my brothers. Yes, abomination means stirring up anger or hatred towards something, and yet with Christ in me, these feelings eventually transitioned to compassion. This makes me wonder if my Father in heaven feels the same way, and somehow when those who spew abomination sermons from the pulpit actually miss the total picture.

Certainly the timing of reading this passage along with my real-life experience is curious. Proverbs 2:10 When knowledge is pleasant to my soul, discretion will preserve me; understanding will keep me, to deliver me from the way of evil. 

Abominations

7/23/12…This past week there was another passage coming to mind over and over. As I have prayed to God for wisdom, I do not want to blow through Proverbs in a couple of days. Instead I want to slow down and allow time for the words to soak in. In fact I feel there are words to digest which require time. I want to feel at peace before moving on. So I find myself stopping after chapter twelve and going back rereading the highlighted passages from the last week. One of those passages was in chapter six. When I first read it the last sentence really struck a chord with me. In this passage starting with verse 16, Solomon outlines six abominations to the Lord, and then adds a seventh, almost as if the seventh one is worse than the previous six. Whether or not this is the case or not, I am not sure.

The word abomination is a strong word. Within the context of the Bible whenever I hear of this I usually think of the Old Testament where in the Pentateuch the Lord shares abominations in His eyes. The one I seem to hear so often from pulpits is the one regarding homosexuals. So once again as I try to dig a little deeper, I look up the meaning of the word and find a list of the following definitions; abomination is anything greatly disliked or abhorred (to regard with extreme repugnance or aversion; detest utterly; loathe) or an intense aversion; a vile, shameful, or detestable action, condition, habit, etc.

In this context, I reread Proverbs and the list of the six abominations, all of which seem to make sense; a proud look, someone who lies, someone who murders, someone who devises wicked plans, those who run quickly seeking out evil, and those who speak false witness. I would not argue with any of these. They certainly are egregious and belong together. But the seventh one? I pause…then I read, and one who sows discord among brethren. One, I thought how unusual sowing discord is in the same list as murder. Two, I began to wonder if I do this in my life? Then I think about my past. Have I conducted myself in a way where I sowed discord among brethren? And what does discord really mean? Looking it up discord means in part a lack of harmony between persons or disagreement; difference of opinion; strife; dispute. So if I am sowing this among my brethren, then God views this along the same lines as murder. I am somewhat dumbfounded.

Five days later, my wife and I are going to church and a parishioner makes a snide comment about where we live and in a joking manner, they better make sure the Baptists don’t get hold of us first. Everyone around him laughs.

And then in the service, a person who is heading up the capital campaign makes a snide reference that we do not want others going to the Presbyterian or Baptist churches because the this church does not have the good facilities or such. As I listened to this, my heart sank. Is this really the reason to spend millions of dollars on building upgrades?

Keep in mind, this is only our third visit to this church, and as we have struggled to find a Spirit-filled church, hearing this was not good. I wonder if this qualifies as an abomination.

   

For some reason, I have a desire to hold this verse close to my heart on my continued journey. And I certainly wonder if I will ever outrun denominations; the answer is probably not. I can only hope I never contribute to this by railing against the very thing I detest. As I contemplate this more, the feeling I have is one of despondency, and I wonder if this is what God feels. Yes, the act itself is one of abomination. If indeed what I experienced is considered sowing discord, I find the resulting feeling I have is not anger, but a sad feeling of despondency, as if how is there any hope? Once realizing this, I realize the only answer is a Savior.

Indeed, the only logical answer God could provide human kind in our abominations is Grace.

Enraptured With Her Love

7/23/12…Certainly this passage in Proverbs spoke to me on a personal level:

18 Let your fountain be blessed

And rejoice with your wife of your youth.

19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe,

Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;

And always be enraptured with her love.

I find the blessing behind what the Psalmist wrote regarding meditating day and night on what is good. As I read the above words, I think about them not only in the moment, but at other times. The words in the Bible are all good. I do not recall anything within the Bible directing me in such a way which causes me intentional harm. Even in those cases where trials, tests, and tribulations are present, there is a greater good at work of which I may or may not know. The world directs me otherwise. The world directs me to chase. There is a lot of harm in chasing, especially in what the world is selling. 

As I read the above passage in Proverbs, I certainly felt not only continuing to find satisfaction with my wife, but letting her satisfy me at all times. Meaning this. There are times where she wants to connect physically with myself and within just this need, she finds an inner satisfaction I cannot understand. When those times occur, I need to let go and apart from feeling tired, or not feeling the same thing, indeed just let go. Let myself be enraptured with her love for me, even though I may not feel I deserve her love always. 

There was a moment this past week when I found myself at this crossroad. And suddenly this passage from Proverbs came to mind. And as this verse came to mind, I just let go…in her love.