Compelled

7/15/12…Melody and I suffered paralysis for many months on end. Why? We felt Grace in Johnson City was a place to go for our spirits being lifted in worship and teaching. However, the drive is 1 hour 20 minutes. And yet, I felt a certain amount of guilt knowing there are brothers and sisters around the world who probably walk as far as this every week just to have a chance to worship. Us, we have a nice car to take us. With this said, we acknowledge even if we did attend Grace on a regular basis, being part of a meaningful community would be a challenge.

After two years and visiting many churches, we felt compelled to attend a local church. Yet week after week of good intention instead led to us waking up on Sunday mornings still paralyzed, and avoiding. However, these last two mornings of such pure desire and joy in spending time with my Father in the Bible seemed to finally break the wall down. Once again we woke up late after sleeping 11 hours! Yes, the time was 9:15 and the service started at 9:50. When Melody realized this she broke into tears and my heart suddenly became tender towards her. I encouraged her and said we could still attend the 11:00 service. She mentioned maybe we could skip the service and go to Sunday school. The word Sunday school still causes the hair on my neck to bristle as the words have a deeper connotation of mixed emotion from my past. Her earlier tears though I could not deny. I waffled enough not to discourage, but enough to give us both an out, just in case.

On our way, a train delays us, we seem to hit every traffic light, and we have no idea where we are going. I am a little anxious as meeting new people sometimes is draining for an introvert, not to mention knowing how once again, I will have to embrace honesty in my walk, i.e. failings, if I desire to spiritually grow.

Yet somehow later in the morning I find myself sitting on a couch in front of a small group of Christians, in community. And a sense of belonging suddenly washes over me.

I feel compelled to acknowledge my Father in all this. 

Paths

7/15/12…Father, thank you for this gift of connectedness. When I submit myself and open up my desire is when your Spirit within seems to bless me. I find myself joyfully relishing in those moments when I feel Your presence by the insights offered before me. I acknowledge this. I acknowledge my own intelligence is too feeble. But oh what joy when You open my eyes! Truly I feel joy in my being! These verses in Proverbs speak to me and connect…

5:21 For the ways of myself are before the eyes of my Father, and He ponders all my paths, so therefore, 3:5 trust in my Father with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct my paths, because 2:10 when wisdom enters my heart, and knowledge is pleasant to my soul, discretion will preserve me; understanding will keep me, to deliver me from the way of evil, and oh for joy! 4:18 the path of the just is like the shining sun, that shines ever brighter unto the perfect day!

As my mind thinks deeper on these verses, I replace the some of the words above with these dictionary definitions:

Way is a method, plan, or means for attaining a goal; a manner or mode; a characteristic or habitual manner.

Ponder is to consider something deeply and thoroughly.

Path is a narrow walk or way.

Acknowledge is to admit to be real or true; recognize the existence, truth, or fact of; to show or express appreciation or gratitude; to recognize the authority, validity, or claims of.

Just is guided by truth, reason, justice and fairness.

As my mind finishes meditating on these passages, all I can think of is the last verse in Proverbs. Why? Because the last verse is the one Esther, a deeply committed sister in Christ I met in China, pointed out to me as her favorite…five years ago. I still remember. 

Love and Fear

7/14/12…Oh Father, as I sit here this morning, I desire Your presence. Strangely I feel so calm, reassured and peaceful. Seeking You soothes my soul. The days passing me by are restless. Within I sense a need of seeking out instruction, guidance and wisdom. Yesterday I turned to Proverbs in the hope of uncovering seeds of knowledge. I long not to stray, and certainly feel going to Your Word and connecting with those who came before me is the most sensible thing to do. Strange how thousands of years ago I seek the knowledge today’s world is unable to provide. One would think the advancement of our technological intellect would lead to a direct correlation of the advancement of our souls. Sadly though, it has not. We remain slaves to our sin and oppress ourselves. I know this. Therefore I seek the words of wisdom from Solomon, knowing before his fall, You inspired Him with thoughts of who You are, and guidance to travel well.

I pray for insight and humility, for I fear pride is my largest obstacle.

As I go through Proverbs, I realize circumstances in my life and the experiences behind me may shape how the Spirit within chooses to speak to me. As I start, this initial verse stands out to me:

1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. For some reason this verse caused me to pause before reading on. The word fear stood out to me like a monolith. I read this verse again and wonder why I am compelled to go no further. Indeed, the greatest commandment consistent throughout the Old and New Testament is to love, not fear, my Father with all my heart, soul and mind. On a personal level, the word fear brings up bad memories for me, especially from a fire and brimstone religious upbringing. So I think to myself, to even begin knowing God, I must fear Him first? Loving someone is much better than fearing someone. After all, with fear, how do I build relationship? With love, yes. With fear, hmmm. So I look up the word fear in a dictionary to try and grasp more of what this word means. What I find is this among the many definitions: fear is extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power. Okay, in this context, I can better live with the word fear because I am in awe of my God, and the word reverence speaks of respect, which I desire to have for God.

Still I am not quite grasping the depth yet. Hmmm. Let me look up reverence and understand more of what this word means. The definition of reverence is a feeling of profound awe and respect and often love. I am sitting in my chair and my eyes open wider and my face moves suddenly towards the computer screen. I am somewhat dumbfounded by what I just read. Am I really seeing this correctly? Did I just read the word love? I look again at the screen and indeed yes, I just read the word love.

Somehow…the definition of fear led to the word love. 

Traveling Companions

7/1/12…As I cleaned up sticks from a severe storm today, I listened to the first of seven messages in Traveling Companions by Tom Oyler of Grace Fellowship Church. This morning’s topic was Help. There was one nugget today from Tom, “With enough time, and correct theology, most of the time in hindsight we can see where the Lord was for us.” As Tom notes, easier said than done. Why? For one, we experience pitfalls in theology interpretation. And two, our nature is evaluating God in the moment, instead of letting time be our ally. 

Indeed, sometimes time is the correct theological interpretation.

Return to a “Normal Job”

6/30/12…Tom’s second message in the series Xmas in Conflict is entitled Spiritual vs Material, and reaffirmed something I needed to hear. In my book, Expect Nothing Expect Everything, I wrote about my difficulty returning to “normal” life after experiencing such a spiritual high on a short term mission trip.

In Tom’s message, he talked about the shepherds who experienced the birth of Jesus. They understood the significance. This was the Messiah. I wonder what conversations the Shepherds engaged in with Mary and Joseph as they gazed upon the newborn. And yet, what I really think about is what happened afterwards. They were, dare I say, on a spiritual high as they returned to their “normal” job. I wonder what they talked about on their walk back. More importantly, what did they talk about in the next thirty years, because Jesus did not even start his ministry until His thirties? Indeed, thirty years is a long time to wait.

Indeed, the Shepherds, just like me, must return to the Toil... 

A Quote from Tom...Priceless

6/30/12…From the series, Xmas in Conflict, “Seeking to resolve our doubts leads to freedom in time.” Tom Oyler, Grace Fellowship Church

M I Crooked Letter Crooked Letter

6/30/12…Today on my hike I listened to a message by Tom Oyler of Grace Fellowship Church. The series title was Xmas in Conflict. And yes the month is June. The message was Belief vs Skepticism and the content centered on John the Baptist’s parents. As usual Tom dug deep and offered wonderful insight. One quote which caused me pause was the following:

“Sometimes we ask for more than we need or more from God than He ever intends to give us to solicit our faith.” As an example, Tom explained how the angel only told Zacharias just enough to elicit a necessary response of faith. The angel never explained how his son would foreshadow the Messiah and eventually baptize Jesus. Indeed, maybe God never intends to tell me everything, just the minimal amount to cause action on my part. I think back on my short time in Mississippi. Upon my return to God, He blessed me with a wonderful church in Grace Fellowship, a wonderful community group of friends and a beautiful area of the country in Northeast Tennessee. And yet, as I was in-between jobs, all the doors kept closing on me until a job in Mississippi opened up. Somehow, and I cannot explain, I felt this is where I needed to go. I told God in prayer I wanted to serve Him and know Him better. He had been so good to me, and in turn I wanted to serve Him out of my gratitude.

Weeks later I am in Mississippi in my new house, starting a new job, not knowing anyone and ten plus hours away from family and my friends. The first year was incredibly difficult and many times I asked God why? And then all of a sudden incredible blessings began occurring. I met deeply committed Christian brothers and sisters. I wrote a book. I served in a downtown street ministry, whose impact still burns in me. And towards the end of my time there, I met my future wife. All this in one year’s time. God did not tell me all this before I moved to Mississippi. All I received was a prompting in some voiceless thought in my mind, somehow encouraging me to go. Somehow, just enough to solicit my faith.

Illicit a Response of Action

5/16/12…What strikes me when reading through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, and now 1 Samuel, is the word stiff-necked. It is eye opening to read how often God’s people loved God and repented of their sins, but soon thereafter became stiff-necked. Time after time, they disposed of God’s love and guidance, and furthermore showed ambivalence towards His power. Hmm…I wonder if I am no better. Maybe the Israelites are a reflection of me. Surely at times I appear stiff-necked towards Him with repeated sin. Surely at times I begin relying on my own guidance versus His guidance in my life. Surely at times I do not seek Him out with all my heart and soul.

So now towards the end of June, I have read through 2 Samuel, 1 Kings, and 2 Kings. I am depressed. King after King did evil in the sight of God and decided not to follow His ways, but am I any better? Only a King here and there such as Josiah did what was right in the sight of God. And I think, why? Why would evil King after evil King endure the horrendous response of God in their lives when they have seen His blessings and peace with Kings such as Josiah. Why? Even David gave away God’s blessings for sex and murder. There were even son’s of Kings who saw their fathers doing what was right in the sight of God, but decided not to follow, and instead did evil.

Many times when the word stiff-necked appears, the word provoke appears soon after. I looked up the dictionary meaning and the definition is “to illicit a response of action”. Over and over the Kings of Israel and Judah did so much evil, abomination, and idolatry, God was provoked to action. In my life, I wonder if I ever provoked Him? I hope my pride does not think the possibility does not exist.

Pride and the Shell Game

4/23/12…I realized something today. Most of my life I spent putting up a wall. The wall I put up was of this world. I let no one in for a long, long time. I let myself become a shallow shell of a man, someone who was good at putting up appearances, but not letting anyone in lest they find me out. Funny thing is, I bet most people could see I was a shell with very little substance on the inside. 

Shell – World

And now I have replaced one shell with another. Once God shattered my world shell and brought me to my knees acknowledging my need for Him, I have slowly without my realizing it built another shell. The shell did not happen overnight. Indeed the shell did not even start forming for 3 years. Then all of a sudden I began missing the intimacy of God. I read a blog article by John Ortberg discussing the spiritual wilderness. I remember reading a book of Mother Teresa’s memoirs. I remember a discussion by a Christian counselor. Without me knowing it, I am finding myself in a wilderness. And now the shell I am building is one of what my relationship with God use to be like versus what it actually is. What it actually is, is a shell with very little substance.

Shell – Religious

I find some ironic connection regarding going from a shell in this world to a shell in the spiritual.