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10/02/08...Let me Praise You. Thank You. My soul grieves for Your Son to return. This life has nothing to offer me. The only sweetness is pointing others toward You. Father, I thank You for showing me You, for convicting my soul to pursue Your treasures. In You I have found my life. When I hear others talk about pursuing earthly treasures apart from Your Glory, it ails me. My ears become numb, my eyes gloss over, my indifference slaps them. It no longer impresses me…it no longer stirs envy.

Trapped in a Hunk of Metal

10/02/08...Father, my ears are numb to their talk, yet I have nowhere to go. I sit here in this backseat and I listen to hour after hour of wasted words, and wasted lives. There is nothing for me to say because their hearts are hardened toward You. Only You can save them. I wonder in thought. They talk about blowjobs, they talk about strip clubs, they talk about their money, they racially slur others, they talk about their self-indulgent adventures. Hour after hour, nothing but self. The numbing talk lasts for six hours straight and I am trapped in the backseat of this riding hunk of metal. They even talk about going to church. I am not sure how you talk about the enjoyments of being at a strip club in one sentence and literally talk about going to church in the next sentence. There is no shame, or guilt, or the slightest bit of remorse in the conversation transition. How Your ears must burn. Mine, well they are just numb. I am contemplating the merits of jumping out of a car doing 85 mph. Surely, a couple of broken bones and abhorrent road rash can’t be as bad as sitting here continuing to listen to this. I mean I would speak up but what do you do when you realize there is absolutely no use.

Is this how You feel towards those who have turned from You? At the point they will not turn to You, I wonder if You stop trying, and according to Your Word, You let them wallow in their mud. You say, here, You want this world, it is yours, enjoy. And I think back to my life just a short time ago. Was I not the same as they, maybe not to the same degree, but Father you do not judge us on degrees do you?

Proverbs 1:28-31

Then they will call on me, but I will not answer;

They will seek me diligently, but they will not find me.

Because they hated knowledge

And did not choose the fear of the LORD,

They would have none of my counsel

And despised my every rebuke.

Therefore they shall eat the fruit of their own way,

And be filled to the full with their own fancies.

And yet, Father, You still never let go of me...

My Words

9/21/08...Father, is this not true? Am I not romancing You? I write words, I pour out my heart, I seek You, I am in pursuit of You…like a horse, I have blinders on so I can see nothing else ahead of me but You. Is this not romance? The pursuit of a lover. Time no longer matters. I neglect every selfish desire just so I can pursue You more…for just one glance, or one brief encounter. You woo me. You draw me closer to You, to pursue. My Bridegroom, I yearn and long for one small kiss of glory, of truth, in You. My life is consumed and irrational. You desire not candy, or flowers, or a diamond ring. Instead this is the romance you desire…all of me, nothing held back. A realization that You are the only One worth pursuing. A realization that You are precious, and to be treasured, and to be glorified. A willingness for me to show public displays of affection. A willingness to forego humiliation and embarrassment because I no longer care what others think of me…I only think of You. You woo me and I do pursue You like a lover. My words are my romance to You, for You…nothing held back.

Desire and Delight

9/21/08...Father, I know You planted the knowing of You in my mind…this desire to seek You, to worship You, to know You as my Father. Do you not delight in this, in knowing I am seeking You in this reckless pursuit of passion. Sometimes I feel my pursuit of You is like a wreck, a 16 car pileup on the highway of life. Do I need to renew my driver’s license in this pursuit? Do I need to learn how to parallel park before I get on the Autobahn? My pursuit of You is a wreck, in all its glorious u-turns, dead ends, merges, and reroutes…yet do you not delight in knowing this, knowing that this desire in me for You is so great, I am willing to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Or, would You rather me wait for You, staying under the 25 mph school zone limit, lest You give me a ticket? Because I have to tell You Father, staying under the 25 mph school zone limit is very hard to do…I just want to stomp on the accelerator.

…and Father, now that I have spoken about desire, let’s talk a little about delight. What about my soggy cereal? You see me every morning, get up, half asleep in the early dawn hours, and fix my bowl of bran cereal. I let it sit in the milk while I take my shower, only to return sometime later and, while still half asleep, cheerfully proceed to place spoonfuls of the mush in my mouth. Who planted this delight in me, for soggy cereal? I know You planted the desire in me to know You but what about this delight? It’s a little troubling. Once my friends find this out about me, they may think of me a little differently. Do You take delight in knowing this is my delight? Why did You plant this in my chromosomes, my DNA? After all, I assume one of those chromosomes got a little out of whack to plant this delight in me, this penchant for soggy cereal. How can anyone live with someone who likes soggy cereal? It really is kind of disgusting.

…and so Father, this wraps up my time alone with You this morning, I hope it was time well spent, in both desire and delight in You.

The Book

9/07/10...I have spent three years writing a book. Most of the writing took place between years one and two. Very few, thus far, have read the book. Of those who have, the reviews have ranged from the North Pole to the South Pole. Some were encouraged by what I wrote and I was taken aback by just how much. Some said nothing to what I wrote of which is fine (actually it’s not, I really want to hear how good it is…continue reading). However, the part that is troubling is a few were hurt by some of what I wrote, of which is not fine and this response completely took me by surprise. How can something I wrote with every intention of glorifying God end up hurting someone? I guess in my naiveté, I made the false assumption that anything done in the spirit of glorifying God would only create good in others lives. Apparently, for a myriad of reasons, which by the way can be found in the Bible, this may not always be the case.

So what do I do with this book? I can delete it from my computer and forever it will be gone. Clearly the book seemed to offer encouragement to some and to a degree that I never could have foreseen, so if I delete it, is God going to look at me and say why did I not use the talent (referencing the parable) he gave me. Or I can continue to edit and revise trying to take out the parts that could offend, or cause hurt, or cause division, or cause anger, or…or…or. I am afraid if I follow this path, there will not be much left to the book. Already, I have edited and rewritten to the point my eyes are crossing.

This is the other thought that is troubling to me. What I wrote, I wrote to glorify God. At least, initially. Later, not so sure. Were my motives all pure? I was humbled to hear a respected pastor whom I know personally and who to me is a shining example of a walk with Christ, tell a mutual friend, that he does not think he has ever had a pure motive in his life regarding his service to God. Talk about an eye opener. As I told my friend, if there is no hope with this Christian, then how can there be any hope for us. Alas, I realize he puts on his pants the same way as my friend and I.

Our human nature seeks glory on earth, affirmation from others that we matter, and a whole host of self-serving motives. Even in the times we start out pure, these little irritants crop up and all of a sudden we enjoy the attention and the accolades and the recognition from our good works. Yes, we want our reward in heaven but dadgoneit, how can we be sure there is a reward? Why can’t we go ahead and enjoy the earthly reward as well. Ahhh…back to our instant gratification. The motive that gets me into trouble all the time.

Do we keep our good work silent before others and only bask in the coming reward in heaven? To what extent does this silence glorify God? What is considered silence, in other words how do we define silence or better yet, when do we restrict our spiritual talents? Some say there are easy answers to these questions, but God tells me in Jeremiah my heart is above all deceitful, so I would say be careful of listening to easy answers. Or do we spread our good works (I am making the assumption now that they are good) in the hopes of touching other lives. Do we bask in knowing the greater reward awaiting us if this happens? I think it goes back to the title of my book, Expect Nothing Expect Everything. Go before God expecting nothing because all power is in Him, not ourselves. However, let our faith speak to the other side of this and expect everything, because as our Father in heaven, He is capable of all. All blessings flow from Him, not ourselves.

So back to my dilemma? What do I do with the book? I guess the decision I have come to is to let go and take this next step expecting nothing, and yet hoping for an undefined everything. I humbly am letting go of the last three years of my life writing this book, hoping somehow it can do good in others lives, and hoping somehow that there is nothing in there that will cause the exact opposite intention. I am humbled to know this may not be the case. I am also humbled to know that my motives may not be all pure as I once thought.

Father, in the end you know my heart. Let this do good if it is Your will to let it do good. If there is not good here to glorify You, then let it fall on deaf ears. If there is criticism directed at me, let me lay it at Your feet knowing I did the best I could. Forgive this flawed vessel who still seeks the earthly more than he does the heavenly. I am nothing in Your sight and forgive me for at times not loving You with all my heart and soul. To You goes all glory. Amen.

So Little Time to Glorify...

1/15/08...The snowflakes fall, tenderly, oh so gently from the sky. Each one has its own path, sometimes wistfully blown by the wind, but eventually all end up resting on the earth. These little crystal structures were created in the space towards heaven, and yet their little lives are so brief. After being born so high up in the clouds, they glorify God as they slowly tumble down to the earth. With impending finality, they also know when they come to rest, they will melt. Yes, their little lives are so brief here…so little time to glorify. Somehow though, because of grace, our Father loves each and every one of them as they complete their meandering journey…and gently melt in His arms.