Is Marriage Compromise?

11/12/10…Part of my definition of marriage is this; Marriage is two selfish people coming together trying to learn how to be unselfish. It is not about compromise as so many people have told me over the years. In compromise, neither party wins, therefore both parties lose. And in the process of losing, both parties begin losing part of their souls because neither one is really living life. Each is giving something up they did not want to give up to begin with, but instead settled.

 

Indeed, is compromise what Christ wants of me? I do not think so. Christ wants all of me with nothing held back. After all, the greatest commandment is to love Him with all my heart, mind and soul. This equates to passion. To speak of compromise means to speak of the lukewarm. Neither hot nor cold. In Revelation, did Christ not say he would rather spit us out then embrace lukewarmness?

 

So why have so many people over the years told me marriage is about compromise. It is not. It cannot be. For anyone to tell me that, I would raise this question. Are they living life or just putting on a façade that compromise is what makes them happy because they cannot face the reality of what has become. I write of what I know. My soul died in my first marriage in part because of what I write about and the fact God was nowhere in my life. In the end she spit me out because as a husband I was lukewarm.

 

Back then, I compromised but even in the compromise, I was focused on the wrong things. What do I mean? Well, back then compromise meant not buying something I wanted, not going somewhere I wanted to go, not cultivating hobbies, not doing something I wanted to do, etc. Notice a common theme here. I do, as in no mention of God. Indeed, there was something missing.

 

Fast forward fifteen years. What does compromise mean to me now? Not spending alone time with God, not in community with others, not finding a way to glorify God as He leads me, not going on retreats to refresh me, etc. Notice a common theme here. I do and God is the center. The theme now is so different than the one fifteen years prior. I can only learn to be unselfish when my relationship with God is loving Him with nothing held back. God has to be first. It is the only way I will be living with passion in my life. Passion with my God results in passion with my wife. Together, we are then one. Indeed God may steer me away from what I think compromise is right now, but I will only learn this through my intimate relationship with Him.

 

After writing my reflections on this topic, the most profound realization to me is this. Nowhere in passion do I sense the word compromise because in passion compromise does not exist. It cannot. Passion dies when we begin compromising.

Should all men wear suit and ties to church?

11/12/10…One of the churches my wife and I visited recently was interesting. Not from the aspect of whether or not people who went there were being spiritually fed, because I think some % were, just like in most churches. The % is probably different in every church and I would be curious if it follows the bell shaped curve, but that is another blog. The interesting aspect was hearing the pastor talk about his struggles regarding religion, some may say legalism. In this particular case, the struggle centered on wearing a suit and tie to church. Growing up, he said it was embedded in his mind going to church meant honoring God by wearing a suit and tie (by the way, there is no passage in the Bible saying all men must wear suit and ties). This was just one of those unwritten rules everyone followed, more so culturally than anything else. Unstated peer pressure probably had something to do with it too (adults experience this just as much as kids, except when you get beyond 70 I think).

As this pastor finished seminary and subsequently began pastoring churches, he wore a suit and tie in the pulpit. It was not until God started working on his paradigms about who He really was, that this area came into question. Seems like such a trivial thing, but if you have ever grown up in an environment where this sort of thing is almost ingrained in your DNA, it becomes a huge thing. As this pastor began looking to start up a church for this generation, one of the legalistic rules God wrestled with him on was this idea of dress. To him, any church he led meant he had to be in the pulpit with a suit and tie. God impressed upon him it was not the dress that mattered but the heart.

The pastor told us humorlessly how he wrestled with this seemingly trivial item. One week he would come to church with a tie, the next week he would not. The following week a tie, the next week not. At one point he laughed about this and said he thought people in his congregation probably thought he had lost his mind or was schizophrenic.

The end of this story is the pastor now wears blue jeans with an untucked long sleeve shirt and casual shoes, and seemed to be quite proud of being able to overcome this legalistic hurdle in his mind. The pastor wanted to impress upon people the legalistic rule of dress, i.e. suit and tie, really does not matter to God, and if we get caught up in this, we miss the point. It is about a relationship with God, not what we wear. I agree. After this encounter I thought nothing more about it until my wife and I visited a satellite location of this same church. The satellite location was a lot smaller and had a site pastor there. The worship was live but the message was broadcast from a central campus. What was interesting was the site pastor wore the same thing as the senior pastor, blue jeans and an untucked long sleeve shirt.

What I thought of was this. What if the site pastor showed up wearing a suit and tie every week?

Visiting Churches

11/12/10…My wife and I have been visiting churches in the area. Can’t say this has been the most enjoyable experience. The reason is because of the awkwardness of it all. It’s kinda like visiting someone’s extended family for dinner when you know no one there. All the right things are said like “nice to see you,” “glad you could make it,” and such but you are still not part of the family. Becoming part of a church family takes time, especially to get beyond the surface conversation. Indeed, sometimes I feel like a weatherman.

One of the intriguing observations for me has been this. No two churches are alike, even if they are of the same denomination. Each can serve the spiritual needs of those who attend, but not every church community nourishes a believer in the same way. Therefore one has to find the fit. That is the difficult part. We may pray to God for guidance, but we must still do our due diligence, or at least that seems to be what my wife and I are going through. Sometimes it feels like we are left on our own and therefore I try not to bother God by asking ad nausea. However, I must admit it sure would be nice if He just told us out loud where to go and what to do, but alas maybe I am missing a lesson in all this, right?

A Divine Appointment at Home Depot

9/25/10…This I write as a fond memory. Does God set divine appointments? Sometimes I wonder. I worked with Desmond at McNeely Plastics for about 6 months before he left for another job in town. I did not see him again for a year and a half. I remember Desmond because when I moved to Clinton, I did not know anyone. Desmond was a spiritual brother who really lifted me up in my musings and reflections of how I ended up in Mississippi. We had some meaningful conversations at times about our spiritual journey.

And then he was gone.

A year and a half later I have now accepted a job in Chilhowie Virginia and I am one week away from moving. And lo and behold, there outside a Home Depot I run into my brother Desmond. To this day a fond memory. Not sure why. There is no recollection of our words. And yet somehow, there is comfort in knowing we will see each other in heaven one day and catch up. That will be a good day.

Please don’t ask what church I go to…

11/11/10…What was one of the best pieces of advice I ever received regarding meeting someone new? Instead of asking in small talk what church they go to, ask them, how is your soul?

Why? The word church is a loaded word with much potential baggage. Who knows what experiences have shaped what someone hears in the word church. With the word soul, there exists no baggage. A person’s soul is their most intimate part of them, something to be treasured, guarded and so fragile. To ask someone how their soul is opens potential relationship in a way the word church may not be able to.

So I wonder…how is your soul?

Reminder

11/10/10…Sometimes I find piecing together verses speaks to me in a different way. Caution must be heeded as context is so important to the words in the Bible. And yet…for some reason, the following verses somehow beckoned me.

 

 

Christ speaks,

The Father who dwells in Me does the works and every branch that bears fruit my Father prunes, that it may bear more fruit.

Without Me (Jesus Christ your Savior) you can do nothing and how wonderful it is to know that I (Jesus Christ) chose you out of the world.

John 14:10, John 15:2, John 15:5, John 15:18

To Seek

11/9/10…Father, how quickly You sometimes speak to me. I confess to You how my motives are not as pure these days as they once were not so long ago. I confess I have not loved You with all my heart, soul, and mind. How quickly the days of China and Jackson fade. And yet…I remember. You created me to remember. Somehow You knew I needed to remember because Your love has never stopped, not once. No matter how frail I am in the realm of spiritual war, You let me remember quickly who You are. All it took was a moment on my knees in a hotel room and being honest before You. My prayer was no more than a drop of water in a lake…but I meant it.

Writing to glorify You means nothing apart from You. In my own power, my words are hollow. I could not face writing anything else apart from You. Have You not shown me who You are in these last three years. Every time I asked, You revealed in Your time. You blessed in Your time. You taught in Your time. When I began taking the reins is when Your glory began to cease within me because I was relying more on my own power. Oh, how many times will it take for me to learn. How faithful You are to still love me and endure my own selfishness. I love You.

Father, I have recently wondered whether publishing these incredibly bare blog entries was the right thing to do or not. I even wondered if my motives were as pure as they should be. But You pointed me to your son Jesus and his words in John say “the Father who dwells in me does the works.” On a night in a hotel room by myself, these were the words I needed to read. I have seen those who have accessed my blog and where they are from. I am humbled to realize people as far away as Japan, Russia, India, and many other countries have accessed this blog. And I also realize there is no power in this unless You are front and center. It is You who will point people toward You, not me. So I humbly offer all of me to You for glory only You can see come to fruition.

For those who may be reading this blog whom I may never meet, please realize if there is a hole in your heart, or an ache, our Father in heaven may be the one who pointed You in this direction to speak to You in only a way He knows. The only hope in my world is Christ, because all other avenues I have ever tried always ended up in a hollowed out dead end. I encourage you to seek and I hope you will find life.