2/3/11…Father, in Genesis chapters 8-11, I muse on two thoughts.
The first one is remembrance. As part of remembrance, You create a rainbow
reminding us of Your covenant not to flood the earth again. I am struck by
traits You gift us with us such as remembrance.
Two, later in chapter 8 You directly talk to Noah and instruct him
what to do, but earlier in chapter 8 You do not. What strikes me during this
time is Noah has to use his common sense to understand when it was ok to exit
the ark. He did this by releasing a raven and a dove into the air, then seeing
if either would return or not indicating dry land. You chose not to speak to
him directly about what to do which seems to say to me I am given the capacity
to make decisions on my own and reason without consulting You regarding every
small detail. Indeed every day I am faced with literally hundreds of decisions,
from what I will eat, to what I will wear, to how fast I will drive, to how I
will interact with others. If I sought You in all these decisions before I made
them, I would never make it past my front door every day.
So the question becomes, when do I consult You for decisions in my
life and ask for help? Which decisions merit awaiting an answer? Some like
accepting a job, or deciding to marry someone, or where to give financially
seem like a rational start. And yet I can’t help but think as in my previous
entry that “…the desire of the righteous is only good.” So therefore it seems
at times You release me to think through a decision, merit if it is for the
good, and then make it. If I mess up, I can only humble myself and ask for You
to still do good in the circumstance. However, I must say, in the times I felt You
speak in my thoughts regarding a decision, such as going to China, the intimacy
of submitting to Your will was powerfully reassuring knowing You were directly
guiding my steps…And I think back to a fateful morning almost 4 years ago,
8/3/07…What
a wonderful morning. At 5:23 am I went prostrate before my Father. I was broken
and beaten. I sensed I needed to come to Him in prayer. I let Him know my
deepest desires; my desire to stay steadfast, my desire in serving Him and my
desire in no longer controlling my life. Then I asked Him please prepare my
heart and mind to listen. After a few moments, for the first time in nearly 3
months, I finally heard His voice in thought. The thoughts were free flowing,
almost like a dam breaking. There were no interruptions, instead just one
stream of continuous thought in the third person. I have felt this before. Time
no longer mattered. Incredibly, when I uttered amen, the clock showed 6:30 am.
Afterwards,
I reflect on my meditation. He understands. His delight is in me finally coming
to Him with a trusting heart. Finally, my mind was in a place to listen. He
said this is what He wanted; my hope, my trust, in Him. China is
inconsequential. Go ahead and go on the China mission trip. Once I am there,
decide to serve the additional six months or decide not to. Either way, I will
know. I don’t have to go. All He wants is me. I kept silently asking Him about
China and kept getting the same response. Go, don’t go, I will know.
I
waited so long to hear from Him I have tears of joy even now as I write. The
problem was me. I was not letting go totally nor was I really understanding
China in and of itself was not the question to ask. I was thinking on the wrong
level. My Father’s silence in my meditations caused me to seek answers
elsewhere. Yet when I read books from theologians, no clear answers emerged. Some
said wait until I hear God’s voice. Some said proceed on faith. No clear
answers emerged from talking with a Christian counselor. No clear answers emerged from listening to
sermons. Some say act, some say do not. Not even the Bible provided a clear
answer. The stories of Abraham and Esther provide contrasting answers. With
Abraham, God spoke directly to him and Abraham acted. However, in the story of
Esther, God did not speak to her, yet she acted on faith. Then there are books
and people saying if He is silent don’t act, and at the other end of the
spectrum some say act because He wants you to take a step of faith. It’s
maddening!!
I
cry tears of joy realizing this is the relationship He wants for me. He wants
me knowing I am worth His time. Yes there are six billion people in this world,
but He wants to be there for me.
There
is a sweetness in this moment I can’t even begin to describe. I can’t stop
writing because I am trying to capture every intimate detail of this encounter
with my Lord. I want to savor every morsel. It is so sweet to hear from Him
after going through the desert so long.
So
now I have to figure out what I want because here is the great truth; what I
want is going to be what He wants. Do you get it? He now knows my only desire
is for Him. Therefore He is in me. I think I finally understand a booklet I
read by John MacArthur regarding following God’s will. How do you know it’s His
will? When to the best of your ability you sanctify yourself from this world,
when to the best of your ability you are Spirit filled, and when to the best of
your ability you are willing to suffer in His name, then do whatever you want,
because my Father is in me and that is all he wants, me.
It is good to remember.
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