Television and Hershey Kisses

12/21/09… This season I am in is difficult. My faith has taken a serious hit. Am I to rejoice in this trial or tribulation if this is what it is? I don’t know. I do hope there is truly a better season ahead. At the same time, I cannot help that over the course of these last two years, God has answered some of the desires in my heart and I have to be careful to recognize those and offer glory instead of looking at the desires that did not work out. I also have to understand that God better knows my desires than I. Oh how true this is.

Writing the book was an unknowing desire that God certainly answered for me. Another one was finding an avenue of ministry stretching me beyond what I thought I was capable of. Serving in the street mission team showed me a different despair in the world than the uplifting despair I experienced in China. I am amazed I have experienced such a spiritual range from opposite ends of the spectrum. Serving God in China was a "high" and was quite easy to do because there was so much love all around, even amidst the oppression. Serving God in the streets of Jackson and through a homeless shelter has been a "humbling" one to say the least. For the first time in my walk, I was confronted with a difficult question, regarding how do I love others when they do not want my love? At times, I was used, deceived, and mocked upon. This only applied to a certain few, but my encounters were enough to cause me pause in my walk. I find myself struggling with this question.

Lately, as a way of distracting myself from this question, I consume television and Hershey kisses. Usually this time of year, Halloween through Christmas, I give up regarding working out. One, I need a break. Two, it seems a futile struggle against the almost daily confrontation of holiday food. This year is different though. Indeed, my sloth is at an all time record. Yes, my faith has taken a serious hit or two. In response, what do I do? I waste time. I watch a lot of television. I eat a lot of Hershey kisses. Almost every night around 9pm, I drive to the convenience store and buy a hefty bag of those chocolate delights. The clerk knows me by first name.

Indeed, is this what my life has been reduced to? Seems I have given up. What is worse is I remember recently uttering these words aloud, “I just can’t do this anymore. It is too much.” I recall the time was late in the evening as I drove home. I remember my car bouncing up and down due to the uneven Yazoo clay underneath interstate I-20. My mind was grasping for hope in the midst of dropping an addict off at the shelter. What a day, one that started off so innocently by being there for someone but turning into a myriad of twists and turns I never could have foreseen. And so at the end of a trying day, I uttered those words, and I regret that I did. As soon as I uttered them, I honestly felt like something left me. To this day, this scares me. My memory seems to continually replay the moment and I am haunted. One reason is I realize I cannot live up to God’s expectations and I wonder why I think I have to. I dig deeper and realize I cannot live up to the expectations of some nearest to me and I project this onto God, unfairly I might add. How quickly I forget grace. And yet even with my self-awareness, I am unable to dig myself out. Oh, there is a glimpse here and there, but it is fleeting.

I also realize how the Bible, God’s word, has searched me out. How can I ever live up to the expectations presented to me? Please do not give me a “canned” response. If you do, I question the conviction of your heart. Sorry to accuse, but how can any of us read the Bible and not realize how utterly self-worthless we are in trying to live out even a tenth of one percent of what is written in there. It is embarrassing, it is humiliating, and sometimes I find it scary. The more I have read the more it seems my salvation rests on how I am changed after I accepted Christ. After all, if I am not changed deeply, can I really say I was saved in the first place? Will Christ look at me, say he never knew me, and spit me out? What do I do when I realize my corruptness stays with me even after I am saved? Do degrees really matter? It is still there. I may do good for a season, but it seems sustaining the good for a lifetime would be like an ant hiking from the bottom of the Grand Canyon to the top. It is doable I suppose, but it seems like an almost insurmountable obstacle. I…

I think I will stop writing now.

I walk back to my living room and turn on the television again. After a few moments of reflection, I decide not to drive to the convenience store and buy more Hershey kisses.