Spiritual, but Not Religious

12/26/09…I have always been curious regarding one category in internet dating sites. I have participated in Match.com, eHarmony, and Christianmingle.com. Can’t say I have been on many dates using these sites because I learned early on, I better be very discerning (I’ll write about my horror tales at another time). What I find curious is each of these generally has a category called Religion. When you are building your profile, you can check a number of categories under Religion. The one I always found interesting was “Spiritual, but not Religious.” Who checks off this one? What do they mean by that? That they believe in God, they just don’t bother reading the Bible or going to church or participating in studies or etc., not that any of these has to occur. I just would be very surprised if anyone who checked this off actually had a relationship with God worth discussing.

For me, over these last 3-4 months, I would have to switch the words and check off a category called “Religious, but not Spiritual”, at least if I want to be honest. I never knew what Jesus meant when he told those people, depart from me, I never knew you. I think I do now. I think if Jesus appeared to me right now, He would say, I use to know you, but I don’t know you now. If I am not careful, this little premonition could come to fruition.

I go to church almost every week, I sing worship songs, and I listen to sermons. I talk about my floundering relationship with God. I write journal entries about reflections centered on God. I take a phone call from a friend who is running a homeless shelter I use to be involved in and give advice. I do good deeds here and there. I listen to Christian music. I am obedient by not having sex outside marriage with my girlfriend.

All these things I am doing, but none of this is spiritually honoring God because God is not in it. I am not reading my Bible consistently, nor am I praying, and the most troubling part is I don’t even bother going to God and asking Him to speak to my still mind. I no longer meditate, at all. I no longer think about God in a way that says I want to get to know you.

With God, everything comes back to relationships. If I once had a best friend, but then we parted and I never called, nor emailed, nor bothered to try and see him, I bet he would say, I once knew you, but I do not know you now. Such is my relationship with God. I am Religious, but not Spiritual. I can talk about my friend, I can talk about what great times we use to have, but my friend is no longer going to know me because there was no effort on my part.

So what has happened? Like an alcoholic, I guess the first step is to admit what is going on. I really do not want to. I want to maintain my Religious shell and not let anyone see beyond it. After all I must keep up appearances. But after a while, and the while is fast approaching, it will begin to get exhaustive to keep up appearances.

Television and Hershey Kisses

12/21/09… This season I am in is difficult. My faith has taken a serious hit. Am I to rejoice in this trial or tribulation if this is what it is? I don’t know. I do hope there is truly a better season ahead. At the same time, I cannot help that over the course of these last two years, God has answered some of the desires in my heart and I have to be careful to recognize those and offer glory instead of looking at the desires that did not work out. I also have to understand that God better knows my desires than I. Oh how true this is.

Writing the book was an unknowing desire that God certainly answered for me. Another one was finding an avenue of ministry stretching me beyond what I thought I was capable of. Serving in the street mission team showed me a different despair in the world than the uplifting despair I experienced in China. I am amazed I have experienced such a spiritual range from opposite ends of the spectrum. Serving God in China was a "high" and was quite easy to do because there was so much love all around, even amidst the oppression. Serving God in the streets of Jackson and through a homeless shelter has been a "humbling" one to say the least. For the first time in my walk, I was confronted with a difficult question, regarding how do I love others when they do not want my love? At times, I was used, deceived, and mocked upon. This only applied to a certain few, but my encounters were enough to cause me pause in my walk. I find myself struggling with this question.

Lately, as a way of distracting myself from this question, I consume television and Hershey kisses. Usually this time of year, Halloween through Christmas, I give up regarding working out. One, I need a break. Two, it seems a futile struggle against the almost daily confrontation of holiday food. This year is different though. Indeed, my sloth is at an all time record. Yes, my faith has taken a serious hit or two. In response, what do I do? I waste time. I watch a lot of television. I eat a lot of Hershey kisses. Almost every night around 9pm, I drive to the convenience store and buy a hefty bag of those chocolate delights. The clerk knows me by first name.

Indeed, is this what my life has been reduced to? Seems I have given up. What is worse is I remember recently uttering these words aloud, “I just can’t do this anymore. It is too much.” I recall the time was late in the evening as I drove home. I remember my car bouncing up and down due to the uneven Yazoo clay underneath interstate I-20. My mind was grasping for hope in the midst of dropping an addict off at the shelter. What a day, one that started off so innocently by being there for someone but turning into a myriad of twists and turns I never could have foreseen. And so at the end of a trying day, I uttered those words, and I regret that I did. As soon as I uttered them, I honestly felt like something left me. To this day, this scares me. My memory seems to continually replay the moment and I am haunted. One reason is I realize I cannot live up to God’s expectations and I wonder why I think I have to. I dig deeper and realize I cannot live up to the expectations of some nearest to me and I project this onto God, unfairly I might add. How quickly I forget grace. And yet even with my self-awareness, I am unable to dig myself out. Oh, there is a glimpse here and there, but it is fleeting.

I also realize how the Bible, God’s word, has searched me out. How can I ever live up to the expectations presented to me? Please do not give me a “canned” response. If you do, I question the conviction of your heart. Sorry to accuse, but how can any of us read the Bible and not realize how utterly self-worthless we are in trying to live out even a tenth of one percent of what is written in there. It is embarrassing, it is humiliating, and sometimes I find it scary. The more I have read the more it seems my salvation rests on how I am changed after I accepted Christ. After all, if I am not changed deeply, can I really say I was saved in the first place? Will Christ look at me, say he never knew me, and spit me out? What do I do when I realize my corruptness stays with me even after I am saved? Do degrees really matter? It is still there. I may do good for a season, but it seems sustaining the good for a lifetime would be like an ant hiking from the bottom of the Grand Canyon to the top. It is doable I suppose, but it seems like an almost insurmountable obstacle. I…

I think I will stop writing now.

I walk back to my living room and turn on the television again. After a few moments of reflection, I decide not to drive to the convenience store and buy more Hershey kisses.