“Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing”

11/8/09…Sometimes we need reminders that we are not the only one. Today I received one of those reminders. It was from Robert Robinson, an 18th century hymn writer who composed “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.” He penned the words at age 22 in 1757. I have sung this song probably hundreds of times but today I finally understood one of the stanzas in the song.

O to grace how great a debtor

daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

here's my heart, O take and seal it,

seal it for thy courts above.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. What an amazing two lines of sheer honesty and depth of anguish and openness. I marvel at his courage to bare his soul and admit what we all feel at some point in our walk, at least those of us who are not showing any pretense. And this is much more. My Christian brother says he feels it. He feels the pain of loving God so much and yet at times wanting to give up because it is so hard. He is pleading for God to save Him from himself or at least this is how I am interpreting it. I wonder if I am right.

The words come at a time that I need to know that I am not the only one prone to wander and feeling the shame of wanting to leave the God I love. This morning in nature God showed me a prism. Later, I went to church with a still doubting heart but nevertheless I went to worship Him. I must say it is the first time in a long three months that I have went with a heart hoping to worship. And today I come across these words written 252 years ago and I realize…I am not the only one.

Prism

11/8/09…What compels me to step outside my house? I do not know. At 8am, the morning is waking up. I look outside and my soul feels like I am looking through cell bars. I am trapped inside a prison of my own making, one which I thought God was guiding me to but one that I now realize was dictated by my own free will. Like a caged hummingbird, my wings of my mind constantly flutter with thoughts of longing and lost hope. And yet…and yet if I quiet the stillness of my mind, there continues to be one thought of hope, one which is barely hanging on by a loose thread.

My relationship with God is broken. I find it hard to believe I could be in this place of devastation because that is what it is when the soul has no more hope, only devastation. Yes, I say devastation because that is what happens. The self begins to self-destruct into behaviors and thoughts and actions that further sever the relationship with God and others. The fruit on the tree is now showing signs of rotting. And yet…and yet there remains one lone piece of fruit on the entire tree that is not engulfed by rottenness. This one piece of fresh fruit is hanging on by a delicate branch. It hangs in the balance on the vine of the tree that created it. For some reason the tree has not let it go. It is as if it is saving this one lone piece of fruit. For a moment, can you picture a lone tree on a hill with the sight of fruit rotting on all its branches? Can you smell the stench as you approach? And just when you are ready to turn away, you spot this one piece of fresh fruit. Now that you can picture this, do you realize how easy it would be for someone to come by and pick it and eat it. The tree is strong, yes, but free will permits this possibility to occur.

So I am now sitting outside on my porch looking out towards a forest in the distance. I see the clouds before me silhouetting the blue morning sky. I can hear the sounds of birds tweeting. Slowly, the morning is waking up. I wonder to myself what compelled me to step outside my house on this particular morning. Rarely do I do this. Lately it has been too cold.

As the caged hummingbird is sitting down, its thoughts bring tears to its eyes. They are tears of sorrow to God and they are tears of pain. The isolation is too much. To trap a bird in a cage has got to be one of the most inhumane things to do to a creation of God that is meant to fly. But this is what others seem to want. Clip its wings and let it die from lost hope. Let it become a creature that eventually convinces itself it is comfortable here in this cage. It has food, it has water, and it has someone cleaning out its mess every day.

But deep down the hummingbird knows better and even though it suppresses it, there remains a thread of hope and there remains a lone piece of fresh fruit…one that is ready to drop with its seeds and sprout a new fruit tree.

As I look up to the left of me, my eyes widen and my mouth opens. There has been no rain for 7 days. The grass is dry and the air is drier. But unmistakably I see a prism appearing in the sky. It was not there just 4 minutes ago. Is this God? In the morning sky there is a lone wisp of a cloud that is not even a fully formed cloud. It looks almost like a circle of smoke and it is so transparent you can see the blue sky on the other side. In the middle of the vast blue sky where no rain has existed for 7 days, a prism appears within this lone cloud. It is not a rainbow, it is a prism. I see the red and I see the yellow and I see the traces of blue and purple. The prism just hangs there. I can’t look away because my eyes will not allow me. It is so…beautiful. And just as quickly as it appeared, it is just as quickly gone. In fact, if I had not looked to my left when I did, I would have missed it. If I had not sat down on my porch at 8:03 am or looked up at 8:07 am, I would never have seen it. Again I wonder what compelled me to go outside and into nature. What compelled me to look outside of the caged bars…and look up? I have seen many rainbows in my life but in my 42 years I have never seen this before, a small slice of a rainbow appearing in the middle of an almost cloudless sky.

My faith use to be so strong I would have had no doubt this was God connecting in a way only He could connect…speaking to me in the depths of my soul in only a way He would know how and giving me hope. But now, I am not so sure anymore.

But…and I say but, but somewhere deep down, the hummingbird can’t help but hope that it was…

Why Is Humor Absent?

10/20/09…Father, I am marveling at something of which I find humorous. You know how we like to laugh and smile. During the course of the day, all of us look forward and hold on to those moments when we can laugh and smile. If we could, I am sure all of us would choose this over eating. And yet, from Old to New Testament I cannot ever recall a joke being told, that in itself is very funny to me. I cannot recall reading someone teasing another in good jest because of their love for them. I cannot recall any humorous story being told with a funny punch line. There are mentions of joy and mentions of happiness, maybe a few instances of laughing although I cannot remember the word laugh being mentioned if at all.

I just find this ironic.

What does this say about…? It seems like a glaring oversight on Your part (I am now chuckling at myself for having the audacity to write this). But You see what I mean? I find that amazing and yet when I read most of my personal writing as a relationship to You, humor seems to be absent, instead weighted down by deep spiritual seriousness.

"You Move Me"

10/17/09… Written by my good friend on his blog. Somehow he was able to tap into my soul and write words I somehow could not write…

Monday, September 28, 2009 - "You Move Me"

I have a friend that moved away from this area a while back. But months before he left he searched and searched for GOD's will on what he should do. Everything seemed to point for him to leave, even though he didn't want to. I respected him for doing what he felt GOD wanted to do and not following his own desires though I knew I would miss his words, his help, his friendship, his very presence. So many people think you are supposed to have peace when you are in His will. I disagreed back then and I still do now. We shouldn't put GOD in a box. Anyway, over a year later and nothing seems to have turned out like he hoped...not even how he thought it would. So he wonders..."Was this really Your will? What am I doing here? What have I done? What do I do now?" The only thing he can think of, the only thing he can hold onto that seems right is a book he has written about a short term mission trip a few of us took half way around the world and how it changed him. He readily admits that it would not have been written if he had stayed here. And due to some other issues I won't delve into here, he questions if he should have written it w/such bare honesty. I know what I think...how I feel about it. But who am I to say? All I can say to him is....Walk on...

I know it aches

How your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much

Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind

Excerpt from U2's "Walk On"

That said, I would still encourage him with some words he has said to me. "Take the risk". He has put himself 'out there', he has done what he thought was right according to what Christ revealed to him at the time. What more can any one of us do? Was he right in the decisions he made and actions he did? How can I answer that? I say "Yes" but again, who am I? I cannot be impartial. But, should anyone ask that question at all? Can anyone ask that question? Should he? What's done is done. It is what it is. All we have is now and our intentions for tomorrow. I do know this: he has inspired me in his ever growing and evolving testimony. He has taken risks. And though he has paid and is paying for those decisions, he was not passive. He moved.

This is how it seems to me

Life is only therapy

Real expensive

And no guarantee

Oh but you move me

You give me courage

I didn't know I had

Oh but you move me

Out of myself and into the fire

You move me

Now I'm burning with love

And with hope and desire

How you move me

You go whistling in the dark

Making light of it

Making light of it

And I follow with my heart

Laughing all the way

Oh 'cause you move me

You get me dancing

and you make me sing

You move me

Now I'm taking delight

In every little thing

How you move me

"You Move Me" by Susan Ashton

Now my brother,

whistle! laugh! sing! dance! rejoice!

2 Corinthians 4:15-18 (NLT)

15 All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. 16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Posted by Zho'u Yu'e at 9:20 PM

Socrates Taught For 40 Years

10/16/09…Anonymous writer:

Socrates taught for 40 years, Plato for 50, Aristotle for another 40; Jesus for only 3. Yet the influence of Christ’s three year ministry infinitely transcends the impact left by the combined 130 years of teaching from these men who are regarded as the greatest philosophers of all time.

Jesus painted no pictures, yet some of the finest paintings of Rafael, and Michelangelo, and Leonardo Da Vinci, received their inspiration from him. Jesus wrote no poetry, but Dante, Milton, and scores of the world’s greatest poets were inspired by him. Jesus composed no music, but Hayden, Beethoven, Bach, and Mendelssohn reached the highest perfection of melody in the hymns and symphonies they composed in the praise of Christ. Every sphere of human greatness has been enriched by the humble carpenter of Nazareth. His unique contribution to the human race was the very salvation of our souls.

Philosophy could not accomplish that, nor literature, nor music, nor art. Only Jesus Christ can break the enslaving chains of sin and death. He alone can speak peace to the human heart, strengthen the weak, and give life to those who are spiritually dead.

In other words, only the masterpiece that Christ creates really counts and that’s the one that takes us from brokenness to beauty.

Sing a New Song

10/10/09…I will sing, sing a new song.

They Are Broken, Just Like Me

01/29/12…In Matthew 10, Jesus said, “Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before My Father who is in heaven. Do not think I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.”

Jesus goes even further, into the utter depths of our souls, to confront what it means to follow Him, “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me in not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.”

This passage continues to both haunt me and exhilarate me. Spiritually, I find these words continually challenging me in my walk. It is because of these words that I cannot share some recent entries from my writings in October of 2009. If I did, it would only cause unintentional hurt because as I have found out, even though I sincerely want to honor my Father with my written words, sometimes unintended hurt occurs.

What happened? Well, it was something that struck me deep in the core of my soul. I am just now beginning to crawl out of a pit so deep I sometimes wondered if I could ever find the light. How do I weigh the impact of a spiritual wounding? I am not sure. What I do know is two years later, I am only beginning to rise once again, albeit tentatively and with a little trepidation.

I also know this; they are broken just like me.

Note: To you the reader, I apologize for leaving part of my story out. It is with honesty that I post entries from my walk in order to help others, that is if God so wills. However sometimes I believe discernment is the order of the day. In this case I hope I am right, although I am not sure I am.

I could have just skipped over this season and continued posting. However, I felt I owed you as the reader some explanation before continuing my postings because everything from this time on is affected by what happened to me. Wounding takes time to heal, and healing as well as forgiveness only comes by the grace of God.

So now begins the process.